SL/RL Synthesis Note (49): "As Above, So Below

SONG OF THE MOMENT: "Lay Back" by Kwabs

Its been a while since I've written one of these, February 2012 to be exact! Ironically its of the same nature, but a different perspective. I needed to "come out" of my head and get it onto paper... albeit digital.

I’d like to tell a story about pain, choices and learning. Today I was asked to meet with an in-world support group for individuals with a specific disability. They asked that I focus on “depression” and the impact of “wearing a mask” to hide the affects. Its always synchronistic that when I need guidance the most, it comes through service which is why I continue to serve even when I find it very difficult.

Before this meeting, I received a note from a “friend” in-world asking that we end our friendship. I’ll be transparent and admit that I’d allowed myself to become emotionally attached to this person, probably because I saw in him something I felt I needed. I believe that is why we are ever attracted to anyone in this way, as there are endless people we encounter on a daily basis. It is those who with whom we see a reflection of ourselves that seem the “shiniest” amongst all the possibilities. I was willing to accept this disconnection because over time, I had found that I had (in fact) been attracted to my own reflection realizing that with all of the information I share about myself and my ideals, regurgitating it back to me isn’t difficult under the right circumstances.

For all my best efforts as a result of numerous encounters online, I was still able to be allured by words that came at a time when I needed them. I was drawn to the lips that spoke them, even in pixel form. I was finding, however, that the more I began to trust this person, the more I would hear my vulnerabilities in very harsh words and tones as a reprimand for some misunderstanding. It was very subtle initially, almost imperceptible, but grew more as deeper vulnerabilities were shared, in trust, and I became more exposed.

The challenge for me is my effort to bring harm to no one, and to offer closure when I can if I find a relationship is not healthy for me... the blessing and burden of caring enough to avoid someone feeling abandoned. The problem is how I have allowed myself to be sucked into this this circumstance yet again! I have a good RL family and have worked hard to keep them happy, healthy and filled with love. My life is not perfect, however and has been a struggle, especially in recent years.

…I lost my father in 2001 to renal failure, a result of being a 5 time diabetic amputee who would not stop drinking. He was Bipolar, a Narcissist, and womanizer, but he loved me more than anything. He worshiped me and always placed me on a pedestal which created more damage to other relationships around me growing up, than I care to share in this writing.  He was nearly homeless at the time, living in poor conditions, but had made it a home. We were told he had 6 months at my last visit with him. but he died while awaiting transport to my home from another state… a decision that was very difficult for me because of the erosion of our relationship at the time due to his poor habits and resultant health problems. I saw my father in this man. I realize that now...

I lost my Grandfather, suddenly in the Fall of 2013 and of course all of those feelings resurface as I grieved losing the Man who raised me with the values and insights that have allowed me to develop into the person I am today despite my parent’s influences. I miss him and it has been hard. I miss my Dad too. I miss losing the men who meant the most to me. I struggle with losing people I care about... don't we all?

As I spoke to the in-world group about depression we explored the idea that there is a underlying purpose for “living” part of our lives on the grid for “residents” of Second Life. Its more than an escape, but a place to examine how we understand people, function with them, and form relationships.. I have always used “service to others” as my motivation, but I can be honest enough with myself to say there is more to my reason for being here. The apathy that comes with depression is often cloaked with a loss of purpose and having to confront parts of ourselves that have atrophied due to neglect and focus on areas where we are already strong.

Second Life has allowed me to develop aspects of my personality that I could not access otherwise. Beyond the “Caregiver” and “Achiever” where I am the strongest, I have become the “Idealist” and “Peacemaker” My SL relationships have allowed me to dissect the “Helper” and “Loyalist” sides of me as well. I am still developing my ability to be a “Challenger” understanding  it is one of my weakest traits and appreciate that perhaps the relationships and circumstances I have attracted into my life are providing opportunities to be more “willful, confrontational and controlling.” They are skills that require so much diplomacy that I have difficulty gathering the strength to fight and perhaps that is where I need to focus my energy. I am realizing that the idea that “fighting” may hurt others, dismisses the hurt others may be causing me. Sometimes its easier to be alone, than to risk the miscommunication and misperceptions that real engagement inevitability causes.

I am ready to move on, however, and if it is "power" that is needed now, so be it. I pray for the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wish me luck!

In Love,
Acu ღ

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (48): "Life Is Worth Living"

The news of the Death of Don Cornelius by suicide came as a real shock to me. Contemplating how a man who seemingly had it all, ...wealth, fame, legacy… could not find happiness or understand his value and purpose enough to feel the value of LIFE opens the way to consider what we make priority.

Its caused me to reflect deeply on my relationships in Life, first and second and the number of people I encounter who are hurting so deeply, although wearing a fearless mask, and are struggling to find their value and purpose too.

Life is complicated, and people never change when things are going well. Our world is filled with messages that encourage our fears and sometimes we get stuck because we worry that we will make a mistake, or there is nothing better.

There is always something better, when you are not happy.

ALWAYS!

However, sometimes in the grand “role play” that is living, we have to experience discomfort in what is familiar to discover something new…something greater…than we knew existed in our current understanding. Pain is part of Joy. Hate is part of Love. One could not exist without the other. To live in FEARLESS emotion is to understand that the obstacles in our lives are TRULY opportunities to learn something new, to grow in understanding...to have faith. Giving up should never be an option, because more often than not, around the corner is the bliss we feel is eluding us.

I pray that Don is now at peace and that the family he leaves behind is able to move through this pain now imposed upon their lives in a way that helps illuminate their true purpose…. It certainly has for me…

You are beautiful, you have value, your life has a purpose

…and if no one has told you today, I love you!

In peace,

Acu

p.s. I wrote the attached poem in honor of Don and all of us who have struggled and may be struggling. Live life in fearless emotion. LIVE LIFE in FEARLESS EMOTION… God bless XO

http://acuminousone.blogspot.com/2012/02/living-in-fearless-emotion-poem.html

Don Cornelius Dead: 'Soul Train' Host And Creator Dies After Apparent Suicide

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (47): "2012: The End?"

Welcome to 2012! Is this the end?

I knew it was coming. I got my first “store-some-water-and-food-the-end-is-coming-in-December” note from one of my in-world acquaintances. Let me get on top of this thing RIGHT NOW! (chuckles)

For the past year there has been a lot of hype around the end date of a 5,125-year-long Mayan calendar. December 21, 2012 is supposed to bring a huge occurrance. Spiritualist believe there will be a consciousness transformation and scholars believe the abuse of natural resources will come to a head in cataclysmic events. There are of course people who believe it’s all bogus and the biggest thing that will happen on 12/21/2012 is that the day will turn to night and when we awake, it will be December 22^nd.

Regardless of any of these possible outcomes and predictions, it is hard to ignore that SOMETHING is happening in our culture and world. Without a defined date, change IS occurring and I predict that big things ARE coming that will surely contribute to our evolution. Will it be the end of the world? I doubt it. The end of the world as we understand it now? Quite possibly!

I think people forget sometimes that things were not always the way they are now. There was a time when there was no Internet, no computers, no phones, no planes, no cars, and so on. We have been evolving for some time now, constantly creating and innovating ways to make our lives better. As our lives improve, our ideas become more complex, our brains develop more in line with the pace of our environment and culture.

Not a long time ago, it was unimaginable that millions worldwide could be in contact with each other simultaneously. We have access to more information, more PEOPLE than ever before in human existence. We no longer need the media or newspapers, as biased as they are, to inform us of what is going on in other parts of the world. Consuming information fed to us in a way that engenders fear and a craving for protection is becoming less the norm. Today with the Internet and social networking, we can easily join our hearts and minds in thoughtful, peaceful response to challenging world events. This can only facilitate a HUGE shift in our own ideas about ourselves and the collective whole of the world.

As I write this, I am listening to a news report of Obama’s signature on a defense bill that will regulate the detention, interrogation and prosecution of AMERICAN CITIZENS suspected of being terrorist. In essence ANYONE can be detained INDEFINATELY if suspected of terrorist involvement in the United States as of today, January 1, 2012. In an election year, this is surely a sign of more to come and the outcome of the election might contribute to a shift in SOMETHING as we are ending the year.

We all feel it. I hear over and over this increase in anxiety and a sense of frustration around the state of world affairs. People are asking different kinds of questions about religion and government and are positioning themselves to be heard and answered (see http://occupywallst.org/).  Living in fear is not natural to our bodies, there must be a balance between *growth* and *protection* to survive. Could it be that collectively we are seeking to evolve out of a social paradigm of fear, and that it is finally culminating at this time in our development as human beings? No more fear of world domination, obliteration, degradation, depreciation, segregation? That sounds AMAZING, but I digress from my Jesse Jackson moment. (grin)

I don’t believe any of it is worthy of fear. In contrast, confusion, doubt chaos and crisis, anger, despair and pain are all excellent conditions for growth. No one ever evolves when things are going GOOD. It is when we reach a place of discomfort that we seek necessary change to be at peace again. Collectively, we all seem to be ready for this as we begin a new year. 2012 presents a wonderful opportunity to move ourselves and our community toward something better than we have been in years past.

What is most important is that each person be open and receptive to looking at our own fears and inner darkness in a different light, and willing to SEEK the change desired. I will start with ME and act on those changes in my own life that will bring my heart more happiness and fulfillment. From there, I will work to make similar changes in my community and as one drop of water is part of the ocean, I will do my part to heal the world.

Are you ready to make that move too? If not now, when?   


With a gentle nudge of encouragement... :)
I love you XO
Acu

p.s. For more commentary on conspiracy theories like the Illuminati and New World order see Joining The Illuminati

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (46): “Auld Lang Syne” Welcome 2012!

The song "Auld Lang Syne" has come a long way from its Scottish roots and is roughly translated as "old long since", or “for (the sake of) old times.”

Singing it as we bring in the New Year should remind us that times and experience past are good indicators to us of what things we should seek or avoid as we begin again, renewing another year.

Accepting change is probably one of life’s most difficult tasks. Even positive change sometimes produces in us feelings of grief and regret. However, it is the contrast of experiencing something new that allows us to grow …EVOLVE!...in heart, mind and spirit.

There have been things in my Second Life that no matter how many times I have thought, said, and believed that I let go, the memories always bring me back to where it felt I had begun. What I am appreciating NOW, is that it is the memories of the “joy and bliss” that keep me wanting. Each return, however, has provided a new opportunity to look back and review what had previously been a faulty understanding and allowed me to view it through a new, more enlightened lens. It is what forgiveness and healing look like in action.

"Mending a Broken Heart" by LaffyTaff247

The lyrics to this traditional song have new meaning for me as I enter the New Year. I am willing to accept the grief that comes with the loss of something…someone so dear to the heart you believe you can never move on. I resolve to find focus and contentment in connecting to the best and brightest in myself. I invite you to join me and let your light shine!

And should old acquaintances be forgot, and never brought to mind?

Of course not.

Keep old friends near, hold on to the pleasure of joyful memories of love, and allow them both to help you through the changes in your life that will produce miracles.

Peace and many blessings in 2012

Always and All Ways (RMD)

I Love You

Happy New Year! :)

Acu

Auld Lang Syne

(Downtempo Remix by Rex Kalibur)

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,

and never thought upon;


The flames of Love extinguished,


and fully past and gone:


Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,


that loving Breast of thine;


That thou canst never once reflect
on

Old long syne.

CHORUS:

On Old long syne my Jo,

in Old long syne,

That thou canst never once reflect,

on Old long syne.

My Heart is ravisht with delight,

when thee I think upon;


All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight,


and speedily is gone;


The bright resemblance of thy Face,


so fills this, Heart of mine;


That Force nor Fate can me displease,
for Old long syne.

CHORUS

Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief,


when from thee I am gone;


will not thy presence yield relief,


to this sad Heart of mine:


Why doth thy presence me defeat,


with excellence divine?


Especially when I reflect
on Old long syne

CHORUS

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (45): "…On Being Ambiguous…"

Song of the Moment: “Closer” by Shawn McDonald

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t16b2yMqME

Make Up Your MIND…

    Just say YES…

As simple as it sounds, when at a crossroad making a choice can be an overwhelming experience. More often than not, the stumble is in reflecting and realizing that we already know what choice must be made, but must find the courage to make it. Until we come to the place where we can say “no” to something that has not worked and “yes” to something other than that, we spin in circles sometimes spiraling into some of our darkest life periods. The goal of life is to say YES to those things in our path that call to the joy in our hearts,  and then accepting that it also means saying “No” to other paths available even when they may provide temporary relief to a choice we may be struggling with. We can only be in one place at one time, and so we must walk one path at a time.

Living a “Second Life” of course can complicate these matters because you can, in effect, walk two paths at once. The challenge though is that even with 2 lives (or 3 or 4 dependant upon how many alternate lives you may be living with various avatars) there is only one human operator and therefore you can only be “present” and be available as one “self” at a time. Trying to juggle several paths at once will never allow you to fully be “present” to one goal. To live and enjoy it; to contemplate it and discover new ways to navigate it; to move swiftly toward the fulfillment of it. Straddling two choices IS also a choice, akin to riding with one of each feet on two different tracks. Ultimately what works as a parallel ride will still bring you to a place of separation and you must decide which direction you want to go. Tangibly or spiritually two tracks are never intended to run parallel forever... why would there be a need for both?

We make choices all day, every day for the duration of our lives. Life IS but a series of choices, one after another, moving us toward more experiences, maturity and wisdom. In relationships, sometimes it is the choice another has made, that puts us in the precarious situation of then having to make a choice of our own. We sometimes get stuck, when we are unable to accept the choice another has made, and hold on to the hope that they will change their mind. The pain of waiting, then ensues sometimes moving us to do and be things we might never had considered, in hopes that the person will choose again … and say “yes” to you once more. What is it you are living in the meantime? What is it that you must say “No” to in your life, that might bring you to a happier place than you are experiencing while “in wait”. The reality is, whatever it is you are saying “yes” to precludes many other options. Conversely, when you do say “yes” to something, it creates a pathway toward that goal for you, and if you are saying “yes” to a closed door, there really isn’t must distance for the wear unless the person behind it chooses to open it. Do you really want a life that is lived contingent upon the actions of another? …I’m just sayin’… Coming to the realization that a choice must be made in and of itself can be an epiphany moment. Making the choice, however, can be a long, arduous process that puts our life on hold…and what a sad, isolated existence that can become!

When we are born, we leave that comfortable symbiotic space that is the womb, and are delivered into infinite possibilities. Life becomes a series of choices by which we are narrowing down the prospects into a series of paths that slowly converge into what we call life. Early on our caretakers give us the tools we will use to carve our lives into our personal existence. Our eulogy then becomes a recap of the paths we’ve chosen and our life’s hope that each road has led to happiness and fulfillment. Each choice brings us closer to a more clearly defined path shaping our sense of purpose and …our relationships.

Its time… NOW… CHOOSE …and LIVE … Stop procrastinating…

Just say “YES!”

XOXO

Acu

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The "Meet" Market (Synthesis Note [44])

I was having a conversation recently with an SL resident who was essentially saying that she does not understand why people take relationships in Second Life so seriously. Her relationship in world is strictly sexual as she enjoys the delights of intellectual dialogue and the excitement that is experienced when another person describes in great detail the way the sexual fantasy makes them feel in the tangible world. She appreciates living her SL without the messy details of being in a committed relationship. She firmly declared “Its role play, not Match.com!

I don’t know that I agree with that. When newcomers to the grid visit the Second Life website, they are greeted by a video montage that includes a virtual couple enjoying a romantic date together that ends with them embracing at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I would say Linden Labs is on board with the idea that sex sells and people are coming to SL for more than business meetings or combat role play. 2010 statistics indicate that 17% of all partners who got married in the past year met over the internet. That’s A LOT of couples. Its par for the course that some of that match making would have occurred on gaming platforms.

Unlike sites like “Match.com” Second Life offers two things 1) the ability to create yourself in your grandest vision and to “live” within that ideal; and 2) the ability to remain completely anonymous while actively engaging others socially. Unlike other virtual gaming platforms, it is strictly a social grid. No levels to achieve, no PVPing or battles to win. Although it may not always be the intention of people visiting SL to fall in love “with an avatar,” It happens thousands of times a day. Its hard to resist being pursued in your perfection and having the ideal you’ve held in mind and translated digitally, be validated by another person. Even better, it allows someone to really get to know YOU, appreciating that most people accept that the human behind the screen is not likely to be an identical match to his or her avatar.

The tricky part is being open enough with your partner to be clear about expectations of the relationship...because as my counterpart asserted, for her SL is for role play, not a true love connection. If you find yourself looking for that, and are not clear that it is role play for your partner, you are inevitably set up for heartbreak and lots of disappointment.

The key is going into relationships with your eyes WIDE open and to have expectations CLEAR in your mind…clear enough that you can convey them to another person and clear enough that you can excuse yourself from potential relationships that do not meet that. After all, if you ARE seeking a love connection in a virtual world there are many MANY possibilities, and why settle or take time and opportunity away from the person you truly desire? It is unfair to blame someone else for your disappointment if you failed to inquire about another person’s expectations or worse, never communicated your own.

The diversity of Second Life extends beyond anything we can experience in the tangible world, which in some ways may make it seem more appealing than life lived amongst the breathing. Any ideal you fantasize about for yourself or a partner, assuredly exists. As you explore all the possibilities, don’t lose touch with who you truly are, and that which will bring both lives happiness and fulfillment. In short, don’t become “meat” in the market. (grin)

Love, peace and blessings XO

Acu

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (43): Finding Satisfaction

Someone once told me, when a person is showing (or telling) you who they truly are, you need to listen. In a world of fantasy, where we are seeking connection to something other than what we what we are used to, the line between what is real and what is only in our mind is blurred. Its like living in a lucid dream where things seem real, but aren’t quite right …and that “not right-ness” is what helps us to remember we are dreaming. Sometimes we want something so badly, that we shape this reality into something it is not, as though trying to carve an idol from papier-mâché’. It may stand up initially; however, as it is exposed... the fragile nature of its consistency reveals its true durability and begins to rip and fade away unable to withstand the harsh reality of time. Even in a place where your reality is seemingly validated, because there are "others” there with you living, dreaming, experiencing at the same time, it is still our ideas and perceptions that shape what that is for us. …and sometimes it seems so real, so palpable that we believe in it so deeply... with hope it IS real, despite the “not right-ness” that is there to remind us.

If you want to believe in something, believe in your Self. If you need to trust in someone, trust your Self. If you want to be loved by someone, love your Self. It is the one thing in the universe you can be certain of. Self is real, true, tangible, magnificent and with you always. Self will not hurt you, abandon you, lie to you, take advantage of you.  Perceptions are not real. Ideas are not real. It is only what you allow those thoughts to manifest in your life that give them life. What is it you are bringing to life? or what previous life are you resurrecting? What is manifesting in your life? 

Is what you are carving durable enough to withstand the reality to which you must return?

"Singed" (a poem) 

…Waking Up…

Acu

XOXO

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (42): "Going Home"

I can’t sleep. Its 5:30AM and my mind is racing so I decided I might as well get up. I have been restless since yesterday. I met someone, a very nice person who is reengaging after having left Second Life a few years ago. He had deleted his avatar at that time, appreciating that he “had to” because his “real life” depended upon it. Pretty drastic, but not unusual. Like so many others, the allure of this place called to him again and he is back, ready for a second round of immersion in this virtual space.

I meet lots of people, on regular basis. It’s one aspect of Second Life that I truly enjoy. I love people, and when I found the grid, I was at a point in my life when I had all but completely closed myself off to the world, relationally. I had begun to isolate myself having felt betrayed, unappreciated, unvalued….unloved.

Second Life seemed like Heaven. I could be anyone I wanted to be and hide behind my avatar. This prospect was exhilarating, because I’d lead such a “vanilla, appropriate, socially acceptable” life. I loved the idea of being and doing something else. Over the course of 2 years, I proceeded to explore every possible curiosity to include the darker, more repressed aspects of myself. I’d done the whole “squeaky clean thing” and my existence boiled to a head with me feeling like my life had no meaning. Over and over I met with my understanding about life and myself crossing new ideas and perceptions that challenged my understanding about what was good, bad, real or unreal. I became frustrated about some of those crossroads deciding that those who had guided me were delusive and had left out some really important stuff. I began to realize, everything that I understood as “bad” was not…only subjectively evaluated as such… although some things still, I decided really WERE bad *for me* but not necessarily for all.

I’ve formed some very intense relationships as a result of my life on the grid. Challenging judgments opened the way for me to allow people into my life, I might have avoided in the tangible world. Relationships are TREMENDOUSLY important in this process because it allows us to actually “test” these ideas about “being” via the reactions, experiences and connections we create with others while in this new skin. All relationships, of various kinds are important and we are drawn to them, in an almost hypnotic way, sometimes seeking the same painful experiences over and over trying to make sense of this urging we feel.

..and then in 2009, the wall came crumbling down and I realized that my second life was seeping into my first one and my core was rocked in a way, I can not explain. So I began asking different questions, and looking for others who felt the same. I needed to know I was not loosing my mind and that someone else knew exactly what it was I was talking about. …and a group of 500 members; a friends list of over 700 and nearly 100 live discussions later I realized this experience is prevalent and calling to many MANY people as technology and social networking evolves the way people of the world relate to one another.

People come to Second Life for a myriad of reasons…business, education, research…There is a special population of us, however, who are here to discover who we truly are. We are the residents… generally people who heard about Second Life somewhere in the media or via recounts of another resident fully immersed and were so intrigued by what we heard that we came to see for ourselves…and moved in.

As I reflect, I have redefined my understand of “purgatory” the place in Dante’s “Divine Comedy” between hell and paradise where the souls “purge” their thoughts and ideas about themselves and the way they lived their life. Most say it’s a place of punishment… but a deeper understanding reveals it is a place of purification… where a “burning off” of these thoughts allows the soul to become “free and pure” of those ideas that no longer serve it and over time guides the soul toward paradise…and paradise isn’t even “Heaven” the mystical place of golden streets and angels, eternal peace…as most religions describe… it is Eden… a place on EARTH where the soul continues its ascension toward something all encompassing but with a more “serving and meaningful” existence on the next plane.

This is the soul’s journey… one that happens for everyone over the course of a lifetime. The Internet, social networking and especially virtual worlds have provided a space where this process of liberation happens at a tremendously hyper rate… it is unprecedented…we are connecting, growing and exploring in a way never seen before.

I don’t know where this journey is leading me now, there is a new longing in my chest that is urging me to ask, and I wait patiently for an answer. Under every challenge is an opportunity to ask… the really hard question, and find redemption and release in the answer.

In less than a week I will be 40….40 years in the wilderness…I am asking…and praying for a renewal of my mind…and a place in Paradise.

Peace and blessings XO

Acu

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (41): "Fall ...In Love"

Song of the Moment: “Fall In Love With Me” by Earth, Wind & Fire

Lyrics & Youtube Link below

I am crying as I write this note to you, but promise that I am smiling. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU and THANK YOU again for all of you who have contacted me directly, or indirectly with loving sentiments and energy to offer support during my grief.

::pauses to catch her breath again and to allow the feelings to flow::

For the past month, I have been so grief stricken, down on myself, and feeling the pain of love lost. I have been diligently searching my feelings inventory for the script for deleting the pain of love. Despite the constant support of friends and family, I have been so focused on feeling trapped by the closed door in front of me that I’ve all but ignored many open windows around me. I’ve felt scared and afraid to love again, placing distance between me and the opportunity to be healed by everything else offering hope and promise of freedom from my grief.

Last night, I finally remembered a string of previous experiences that matched my current level of distress perfectly. In each case I realized that I loved those people HARD, like I love all people… but the difference was that they walked away from that love. Each of them, I believe, had never experienced such unconditional and genuine love and intense expressions of those feelings, as I tend to provide. For me, LOVE is always the answer.. it is always, always, ALWAYS the answer and so through it all I will love you. I will always love you, although sometimes forgiveness is required to maintain that love.

I have been hiding out, holding myself back, unsure if I can handle loving like that again. It hurts… a lot! ..but I reflected back again and realized that each of those painful experiences allowed me to grow. Each time, each person came back.. and helped me to know that I was a good person, and helped them in some way during our time together. I appreciated how they had helped me too, because I realized that the only motivator for change and growth in ones life is for something to go “wrong” (even if only perceptually so) otherwise, why would we WANT to change course in our lives.

Thank you for helping me to know, through your words and encouragement, that somehow I have touched some of you. I am eternally grateful that in return, so many of you rallied around me to help me to know I am loved reinforcing my belief in interdependence and reciprocal love and connectedness.

I heard the Song of the Moment this morning on my way home from dropping the kids off to school. I have been chanting the refrain “I can pick you up turn your life around, if you fall in love with me…” over and over.  There is also a lyric in the song that says “In love with me, find yourself a part of me… …In love with me help yourself to all of me”

I am in love with you… each of you… falling…

Love is the answer… ALWAYS the answer… I don’t have to be afraid… I can FALL in LOVE with you… and you with me! :D

::/me JUMPS...floats ...and smiles::

Forever and Ever… I love you XO

Acu

“Fall In Love With Me” by Earth, Wind & Fire

Listen via Youtube Here!

I can tell you that love

Is too deep to be played on

Down the line, you'd find

Time would reveal who to count on

I'm well inclined to use the lines

That comes from the learning tree

Let the seed that grows, and ages old

Give us our destiny

Baby, you know, I could pick you up

Turn your life around

If you fall in love with me

I would build you up, never let you down

If you fall in love with me

If you're having second thoughts from the past

I can cool you out

I've been there before, right down to the core

I can sing and shout

I can't hold back what I feel

I bring experience

I'll be your rock when Gibraltar falls

Baby, give me a cause

Baby, you know, I could pick you up

Turn your life around

If you fall in love with me

I would build you up, never let you down

If you fall in love with me

Baby, in love with me, find yourself a part of me

Baby, in love with me, help yourself to all of me

I've got your number and I wanna shout

I dig you baby, come and check me out

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (40): "Surviving Hell's Fire"

Song of the Moment: “Thankful” by Meshell N‘degeocello

(Lyrics and Youtube Link Below)

There is a lyric from a favorite song of mine that says "…And hellfire's a promise away I'd still be saying…I'm still in love” The song is about a man who is in love with a woman who is already taken by another man. He sings of the joy this woman brings, but also expresses his tortured frustration that the “hands of fate” did not allow them to find each other first. He acknowledges that he knows this relationship is doomed, hence “hell’s fire”, but he is willing to risk it, to be with her, even if just for this time. Pretty romantic stuff…

I will probably get some flack, for saying this, but in my own spiritual belief, I don’t define Hell (or Heaven for that matter) as a place, but rather a state of being at various points in our lifetime. Hell is the consequence for SIN which I believe stands for “self inflicted nonsense” since being in hell is a personal experience based upon what I am thinking, doing and feeling. One of my favorite classic writings is Dante’s epic poem “The Divine Comedy”. The cantos from this work are often falsely attributed to the bible and used to “shame” practitioners away from certain behaviors. It should more accurately be seen as an allegory of the soul's journey towards God, or “Divine Peace”. The “Divine Comedy” is given credit for Christianity’s understanding of hell, purgatory and the seven deadly sins (or 7 roots of sinfulness). The origins can be traced back much farther than that…but that’s another note…. Anyway, purgatory is described as the place between heaven and hell where we are stuck in the “mind” of  sin… the place where thoughts lead to the actions which promise to bring us to Hell’s fire or deliver us into Heaven.

I have toyed with the idea of Second Life as my own purgatory. In the last few months, I have lost 3 people in SL who were very close and dear to me. The most devastating was very recent, (and probably the best for both of us), but is tremendously painful to grieve. Last night, I encountered this person off the grid, accidentally, and was devastated that I wasn’t even acknowledged. There were no words exchanged, (other than my genuine greeting and expression of love), so after the silence I was left only with my thoughts about what that lack of acknowledgement meant. I could have decided, it was a technical issue, but instead, I completely tanked resulting in an hour or so of grief stricken sorrow and self-doubt. It was hell… you can’t tell me that was not hell, although it was absent of the fire and brimstone I’d heard so much about in Sunday school. When I tried to decide what SINs I had committed (my mind to), I decided gluttony (over indulgence of anything to the point of waste) and sloth (failure to utilize one's talents and gifts) continue to keep me in this Hell like state.

I was initially attracted to Second Life for the social richness relationships provide here. The grid gives me access to people of different cultures, beliefs, lifestyles, ways of being, thinking and feelings that add to my experience in both lives when shared. The love, passion and grief developing those relationships offer me are unparalleled. However, being in two places at once has its benefits and consequences.

Freedom (and deliverance) from my Self Inflicted Nonsense, according to the poem, is marked by joy, courtesy, and service. Although Second life provides opportunities for all of these, the balance between gluttony and sloth versus temperance and diligence are challenging ones for me. It is EXCESS that turns something beautiful into something perverted and SIN-FULL. Balance will deliver me. I help HARD, I grieve HARD, I love HARD, as anyone who is close to me will attest too. I am so busy giving, though, that I am left empty, spent, feeling used…and wrapped in SIN.

It is equilibrium that I seek, faithful that it will provide space for me to RECEIVE in a reciprocal way so that all my relationships are able to grow in a healthy way. The feelings of happiness, disappointment, pleasure and pain that allow me to EXPERIECE life, in a way I never could in ONE place…country, state, city, neighborhood, house…and so more quickly than ever before, when “the student is ready, a teacher will arrive.” If the lesson is patience, he will force me to wait; if the lesson is faith she will leave me so that I am left wanting; if the lesson is peace, he will tear my world apart so that I am left only with those pieces that continue to serve me, allowing me to let go of those that don’t any longer. Relationships allow me to LIVE these ideals, to feel them, understand them and make use of these states of being in a way I could not learn, any other way.

As I grow, I endeavor to be grounded in reality, …but liberated virtually!

With Love XO

Acu

“Thankful” by Meshell N‘degeocello

Listen via YouTube HERE :-)

just wanna be happy

mother&*©#ers like fancy things

big houses,

big cars,

like movie stars

gotta have everything

numb myself to the suffering

just wanna be happy

and thankful

not just

try to get through

just wanna be happy,

thankful

not just

try to get through

should i lie

should i cheat

turn on my tv

tell me what i want,

what i need

i lose my faith sometimes

i lose my faith sometimes, yeah

so much suffering for

fancy cars,

big houses,

everything

i lose my faith sometimes

i lose my faith sometimes, yeah

just want to be happy

and thankful

not just

try to get through

just want to be happy

and thankful

just want to be happy

and thankful

try to get through

you're all i need

lay your burden down

ease my sadness

you're all i need

i lose my faith sometimes

i lose faith sometimes

just trying to get through

i lose faith sometimes

you're all i need

lay your burden down

i lose faith sometimes

you're all i need

i'm thankful

that i feel you

ease your sadness

you're all i need

lay your burden down

ease my sadness

you're all i need

lay my burden down

i laid my burden down.

Free Yale University Video Course on the Divine Comedy can be viewed here!

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Call for Support in Japan (SL/RL Synthesis Note [39] "Tree of Life"

After meditating this morning, I again became cognizant of the tree in my yard that sometimes obstructs my view of the water. As  I reflected on the number of times this awareness occurs when I am feeling less than joyful, I went back into meditation. I thought about the people in Japan being affected by the earthquake and subsequent tsunami and about the challenges of life, ...those expected and unexpected challenges that can turn our world upside down. I could see in my mind’s eye a Baobab tree, in Africa known as the Tree of Life, and the spiritual principles represented in the Kemetic Tree of Life for ways to navigate life’s cycles.

I was inspired to write the poem I’ll share below that I gently combed after an SL log in. A request for prayer went out to one of my groups and I submitted the following words to channel my love to those affected. Please allow my words to be your words, if you like or take one moment to offer silent affirmations for these other human beings in need.

Hetep!
Peace and many blessings unto you ….

I love you!
Acu

~*~*~*~*
Sweet Spirit, We come to you humbled by your Divine Grace, knowing and affirming that it is Your Will at work always in our lives . We  call upon Divine Love  as our spirits are moved to send affirming loving energy to those affected by the tsunami and ask that you embrace them with Our light, enfold them with our love and provide them peace of mind and heart so that they are open and receptive to your Grace, Healing and Wisdom as to how to move forward in their lives. We release this prayer knowing that all things are ultimately for your good and that even as we read this it is done, it is done it is ALWAYS done. and so we bless this...together... so it Is... Amen (Ra)
~*~*~*~

Tree of Life

It is the tree
It is the tree
Calling out to me

It asks why there are tears in my eye
It asks what cause has made me cry

I do not answer
It’s just a tree
I am of sound mind
A tree cannot speak

The leaves begin to rustle
The branches sway
The wind whispers to me
“It doesn’t have to be this way.”

I close my eyes, feeling anxious
For it must be a dream
My face floods with water
My eyes have lost their gleam

A leaf falls close to me
It brushes over my feet
I’m reminded I am grounded
I prepare my voice to speak

“How I wish I were as strong
and majestic as this tree
Every day and every season
Experiencing life, living carefree

No boss to direct its branches
No family to bind it down
No obstacles or obligations
To bring this tree top down

The tree says …
“There are seasons
When it gets very cold
Although my branches feel weak in these storms
They nourish other souls”

“I know the seasons always change
Voices of life renewed are sounded
With every year that passes
My roots more firmly grounded.”

The message gives my mind great pause
My heart slowly releasing
And love enfolds the empty space
My misery is ceasing


“I am the tree!” I say out loud
And so the tree I am
One and the same, cycle of life
I begin to understand

For what goes up
Must come down and up it will again
But time…the only healer
Makes way for wounds to mend

Standing near the majestic trunk
My palms against its bark
I sweep my hand along its length
Until my back is arched

I close my eyes inhale this dream
The wind begins to blow
Again I feel I am at peace
And rest in Spirit’s flow.

 ©Acuminous Watanabe

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (38): Rez-olution

res·o·lu·tion [rez-uh-loo-shuhn] –noun

1. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

2. the degree of sharpness of a computer-generated image as measured by the number of dots per linear inch in a hard-copy printout or the number of pixels across and down on a display screen.

Last week (March 2, 2011) marked the 4^th anniversary of my Second Life. Each time a new year passes, I try to reflect on my time here and make a decision about how SL will fit into my life moving forward. I have spent a significant amount of my existence here the past four years. When I found SL in 2007, I was in a particularly vulnerable place in my life having lived within the confines of a very narrow definition of what it meant to live a “good life”. At the time, what I valued most was my marriage, family, financial stability and career mobility. What I realized at that critical time in March 2007 was that none of those things gave me happiness. Of course at different times, in different ways they each gave me joy, but I was not satisfied with my life.

As I reflected back I realized that, at that time, I had become socially isolated, while meeting the demands of my family and career; that I no longer remembered how to save time just for myself, to contemplate…anticipate and grow; and that I had given up what I valued most…the gift of creativity. As a result, I could no longer see my value because I felt out of place within the confines of this predefined role I assumed and worked diligently to mold myself into.

Second life changed all that. On the grid, there were no limits or expectations about who I was or what I was doing there, other than those I self-imposed. I was free to create in ways I never had before and to explore relationships more deeply than I had ever imagined. I love people so much, and being reconnected was like a rebirth. After a while though, I found that all I wanted to do was “be” in second life. The gift of relationship and intimacy also taught me that I was hungry for something deeper in my life, to some how synthesize what I was experiencing in SL into my first life so that I could feel it more intensely and regularly. Life doesn’t always work the way you want it though and after 4 years I am realizing that SL has its place, but to try to integrate it into my first life in some permanent way, would cause it to lose some of its majesty, mystery and infinite possiblitiy.  It is a part of my life, but a separate part and one that can bring both intense pleasure and pain as many of you well know.

So I’ve decided that it’s ok, to have two separate lives that influence but don’t necessarily coincide with each other. I’ve resolved that my “rez”olution in world is only part of my “resolution” for LIVING. That instead of living my second life in the real world (which will never happen until I can fly and teleport [wink]) that it is much more useful for me to create a second FIRST Life. A second “phase” , if you will, appreciating that I can choose to develop new ways of living for as long as I am alive. That I do not have to limit myself in one lifetime to one way of living my life! This go ‘round I’ll include those prudent things that help me to maintain food, water, shelter…and internet access (grin) but more importantly it will also include first life “paved ways” for exploration of the self in tangible way.

“It is better to create than you be learned, creating is the true essence of life.”

                                                                                    -Barthold Georg Niebuhr

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Synthesis Note (37): "Ask"

Song of the Moment: “Ask” by Narissa Bond (lyrics below)

Last week was interesting. After a several months of being unmotivated to do much of anything, except sleep and game, I felt a renewed sense of worth early in the week with each thing I marked off my to do list. Prior days were not so great. Second Life is my fantasy land…place of ideals and dreams deferred… and the social interaction and relationships I have here give me such a sense of love and worth. The connections I have with friends, SL family and you (!! [wink]) generally, brings some relief from the pressures of my first life, but last weekend in particular, I could gain no satisfaction. When I’d log off and be reminded of all that was left undone, still demanding my attention, I would become overwhelmed with anxiety and all I wanted to do was sleep. In the mean time, the list of “to do’s” only grew larger as managing a career and a family with young children requires daily maintenance. One of my most fulfilling SL relationships had begun to break down, but the shift offered an opportunity to evaluate what it is I really need from it and began a process of exploring that within myself. I’ve got the “do unto others” thing down, but still struggle with always knowing what I’d have them “do unto me.” More often than not my obligations are the direct result of saying “yes,” which I suppose I still believe is the key to happiness and prosperity, at least ultimately. In some cases it has been, but in those occurrences where I said “yes” when I really wanted to say “no,” the effort required and self sacrifice willingly given, rarely outweighed any personal gain from the experience.

Last week, I calmly and patiently moved through tasks, with ease. I traveled to Kentucky last Wednesday and there were many things that needed to be done, prior to my flight…to escape to Second Life or any other unnecessary situation would leave my home and work lives in a mess for those who would be managing them for me. Knowing I had a relatively short time to accomplish all of this, I was forced to ask for help, from anyone who stood near me for longer than 3 seconds. (grin) I found that most people were more than willing to help. Most people DO want to help, but are never asked. I never ask because I fear hearing “No” and sometimes I would rationalize that it would be easier and quicker to get it done myself. When I was younger, this was probably so, but as I’ve grown older and my responsibilities have grown greater, I realize I can not do it all myself… especially if I keep saying “yes.”

I was sitting in the nail salon, one of those few occasions when I can’t type or talk on the phone and just closed my eyes to think. My mind began to run through my TO DO list and I could feel myself becoming anxious despite the awesome sensation of having my feet pampered. I also started to feel resentful that people had not offered to help me with this or that, and as a result I must rush tirelessly to complete the list…some of the items related to a “yes” or two I had given someone else. Then from what seemed like nowhere my thoughts were interrupted with one word “Ask!” I was startled at first, and then smiled. “Sure… ASK!” I thought to myself. “People sure do a good job of asking ME, why am I so resistant to doing the same?” This single question opened a Pandora’s box of questions and answers that allowed me to do some real self reflection. It was refreshing to realize that playing victim really wasn’t serving my life very well, especially because people ARE willing to help …. but only if  you ASK them, since the majority of people are not mind readers (grin)

So I invite you to join me on this journey of self exploration by asking what is it you have not been asking for, and why NOT? I’d like to believe we all do this on some level and that it not only prevents us from having the life that we want, but discounts the gifts others have and are willing to share.

I would love to hear about what things you will now begin to ask for, and what happens as a result… hoping you’ll say “Yes!” (smile)

With love and gratitude…
Acu

p.s. I am a HUGE fan of Narissa Bond, a local artist who performs at my church and other local venues often. She has 3 CDS, but Between Two Rivers is my absolutely favorite. It has brought me through some very difficult times. Check her out at http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/NarissaBond or iTunes.

“Ask” by Narissa Bond

Stand at the river
Raise your head to the sky
Ask me for the answers
They will come by and by
If you don’t have the words
Say what’s in your heart
Hold your hands high to the sky
I will place them in your palms

Chorus
You are worthy
and I love you
You are priceless
I’ll help you
Find your truth
Just Ask
...Ask
…Ask
Just Ask

Stand at the river
With diligence and grace
Feel the power of all that surrounds you
and give thanks give thanks
If you can’t find the answers
Wait to receive
I Am always here, so
Always Believe

Chorus

Stand at the river
Feel the sky all around
Look beyond the river
and smile
and smile
Raise your face to the sun
See how it cuts through the grey
With the warm of loves power
Feel the power of my grace

Chorus

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Synthesis Note (36): "A Lesson in Humility"

Song of the Moment: “Insane” Tamara Wellons  (lyrics below)

A Lesson in Humility

Trying to juggle two lives can be a crazy experience. The demands can be overwhelming. In recent months, I have felt more and more like I am going insane. Have you ever feIt that you’re trying to do the best you can, but often feel like it is never enough? I ask myself, that for all I try to be for others, why is life so difficult for ME? I have tried with great effort to search internally for the source of these feelings… to find and fix them, so that I can get on with my life in a happy and productive way. I am realizing that PRIDE, may be the culprit and that my understanding of what it means to be prideful, especially when in relationship, may have been significantly off.

I was talking to one of my best friends this morning about a devastating blow to my sense of self worth and value. The erosion of a relationship that has meant a lot to me has sent me into a tailspin. This relationship offered an opportunity for reciprocal love and affection, which is almost heretical for me. The break down was initiated by me, instigated by me and propagated by my thoughts of self righteousness and an attitude that “I am in complete control of my life, to include how others function with me, and that I need to manage difficult relationship situations by isolating myself.”

My friend listened attentively and provided loving support (God bless you Dainie Fraina) and when I began to ask “why me?” she gently replied “maybe this is a lesson in humility.” The words resonated with me so deeply, I stopped crying for a moment and decided I needed to write…to organize my thoughts, to tap into this message she was able to give me.

Growing up, my caretakers were diligent in teaching me a strong sense of pride. This was encouraged by helping me to know that I was better than “that” and could excel in anything I set my mind to. As a poor, African-American family with few social supports for courageous effort, I believed that sacrificing the things I wanted in lieu of that which would represent my family well, was what life is all about. The problem, however, is as I got older, I began to realize that there is more to life than public notoriety and that although my family was pleased, I was not happy at all.

To say that I am a prideful person, would probably be an understatement. I am not used to being cared for by others, and often feel obligated to take the lead in caring for everyone else, their needs and desires. In the interim, I feel lost, alone and afraid and often isolate myself with the belief that the “good” is for everyone else, not me. In that way I call myself a humble servant and justify the self sacrificing as a sacred and selfless. As I thought about Dainie’s suggestion, however,  I understood how crippling my pride has been. Although healthy pride can encourage us to great things, the problem with
self-pride is that it is a distancing attitude, that separates us from what we need the most… to be able and willing to lean into the depth and wisdom of others.
Perhaps in my case, the ‘need for pride’ has been more about a  deep, pathological ‘need for a sense of significance’ and if I am “sick” I have to ask how legitimate, then, is pride in my life?

In relationships the expectation has seemed to be that I would “take care of it,” whatever “it” might be, which ultimately lead to feelings of obligation and sometimes superiority, because in my mind, no one could afford for me to be “weak” or to “not know what to do.”  From that space, I developed an expectation that in exchange for the sacrifices I make for my relationships, that my family, friends, acquaintances, should be available for me, and agreeable to whatever it is I needed, or asked. After all, I was sacrificing my own needs for them, … or so I would tell myself.

Pride affects all of life's relationships. When we become jealous of someone, pride is the root. When we re embittered toward competitors, pride is lurking underneath. When we put someone down; when we covet our neighbor's possessions; when we say, "I can do it better;" when we give someone the silent treatment; when we gossip; when we get our feelings hurt; pride is the reason.

Humility is about a willingness to be self-abasing, to appreciate that in the way we care for others, we too need care. It’s a willingness to accept the love of others and to be supported in ways that allow us to continue to grow and  in the process being supportive of other’s growth. It is letting go of the …need, desire, compulsion… to do and/or be it all, and to allow others the pleasure of “doing” too, and thusly supporting their sense of self value and competence.


Seeking peace in the pieces… and reclaiming my sanity and sense of Self…

In love, peace and humility…
Acu
XOXO

p.s. I found tremendously helpful an article at http://www.livestrong.com/article/14711-handling-pride/ on the impact of self pride. Great definitions and an activity for some self exploration. Hope you find it useful too…

“Insane” Tamara Wellons

La dah dah dah doh, dah dah dah dah doh…

Tried to cry
…the stress away
Tried to cry it out
Dealing with my head…
Dare to close my eyes and dream
…can make the tears flow down my face
Some days I think I’m going insane.

CHORUS
Some days I feel I’m going insane
Got to get up above my thoughts
Faith got me going today…
..trying to live this way

I am what I am
I WANT TO BE
…wanting to BE (want to BE)

(Repeat Chorus)

Part of me
Still wants to smile
Even though my soul
Falls down to the ground

I keep telling myself that…
“I’m courageous, don’t be weak”
Some days I feel I’m going insane…

(Chorus)

Ok lets stop it now…

BREAK
Some days
I feel
I’m
going INSANE
Some days
I
FEEL LIKE
I’m
going INSANE
La dah dah dah doh, dah dah dah dah doh…

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Synthesis Note (35): "All The Beauty"

Song of the Moment: "All the Beauty" by Donn

Once upon a time there a there was a beautiful avatar named (your name here).  She  (or your correct gender) was perfect in the eyes of her maker and was created at the perfect time, in the perfect place with all the tools she would need to fulfill her (second) life purpose. She would bring experience to her maker (in first life) which could not be had without her existence and she would function "as" her creator (in avatar form) in this new world to fulfill this purpose and ultimately allow them both to grow.

As she explored this strange world, she was curious and inquisitive, enjoying the beauty and mystery of this place, which seemed made just for her. She then began to encounter other avatars of all colors, shapes and sizes. She was intrigued by all of the experiences she had and in time began to question her self image. She began to change her appearance, ways of living and being to fit in, to feel accepted and to try to meet their (perceived) expectations of her. She is socially successful with many friends, but begins to feel less whole as she juggles the new images she creates for them.

Eventually, she fell in love with another avatar who found her quite beautiful even though she no longer thought this of herself. This pleased and then later frightened her because she had never experienced feelings like this before and had forgotten how perfect she was in the eyes of her maker at the time of her creation. You see, he was perfect (as was she) and she could see this clearly. She felt unworthy of all that he had to offer her and so, she began to shape herself into what she believed would match his perfection. These changes confused her partner and in time she was no longer the avatar he fell in love with and they grew apart.

…so "as above so below" ...and the story goes in second life as in the first life... innocence lost... she’d forgotten her perfection moving from avatar to avatar, relationship to relationship searching for that which she felt would make her whole again….

Will our protagonist fulfill the purpose designed by her maker? Will they synthesize these experiences and grow as one?

......stay tuned....

NOTE To The Reader (grin): What governs each of us is our own self image…that is, how we SEE ourselves. Even in our most perfect form, we find that that which we seek eludes us if we cannot love and accept ourselves in the same way we seek that acceptance from others. We don’t consider that those things we see as flaws, may be just the perfection another is seeking. “I am” is the most power phrase ever spoken. Whatever follows it, …you become. If you want new experiences you have to see yourself differently. Change your inner image and perceptions…transform your LIFE.

Finding peace in pieces…
Acu

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