to LIVE (a poem)

Still in the darkness
I Am
Peace

A thought from within
To Be
Free to feel, to experience
To LIVE

In that moment awakened
I Am
Real
I wear the mask, a shell of my Self

Peace now pieces, the stillness forgotten
I birth
Duality

Living In Fearless Emotion
I feel the intangible
Perceive the imperceptible
Joy, pain
Courage, FEAR
Good and
EVIL, I LIVE

Until the darkness returns
The weakness underlying my strength
Transcendence
Brings sweet surrender
Each piece I re-collect
Remember
Remove the mask
and return…

by Acuminous (c) July 2009
written for the in-world Egbe Akowe Writing Group

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The "Meet" Market (Synthesis Note [44])

I was having a conversation recently with an SL resident who was essentially saying that she does not understand why people take relationships in Second Life so seriously. Her relationship in world is strictly sexual as she enjoys the delights of intellectual dialogue and the excitement that is experienced when another person describes in great detail the way the sexual fantasy makes them feel in the tangible world. She appreciates living her SL without the messy details of being in a committed relationship. She firmly declared “Its role play, not Match.com!

I don’t know that I agree with that. When newcomers to the grid visit the Second Life website, they are greeted by a video montage that includes a virtual couple enjoying a romantic date together that ends with them embracing at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I would say Linden Labs is on board with the idea that sex sells and people are coming to SL for more than business meetings or combat role play. 2010 statistics indicate that 17% of all partners who got married in the past year met over the internet. That’s A LOT of couples. Its par for the course that some of that match making would have occurred on gaming platforms.

Unlike sites like “Match.com” Second Life offers two things 1) the ability to create yourself in your grandest vision and to “live” within that ideal; and 2) the ability to remain completely anonymous while actively engaging others socially. Unlike other virtual gaming platforms, it is strictly a social grid. No levels to achieve, no PVPing or battles to win. Although it may not always be the intention of people visiting SL to fall in love “with an avatar,” It happens thousands of times a day. Its hard to resist being pursued in your perfection and having the ideal you’ve held in mind and translated digitally, be validated by another person. Even better, it allows someone to really get to know YOU, appreciating that most people accept that the human behind the screen is not likely to be an identical match to his or her avatar.

The tricky part is being open enough with your partner to be clear about expectations of the relationship...because as my counterpart asserted, for her SL is for role play, not a true love connection. If you find yourself looking for that, and are not clear that it is role play for your partner, you are inevitably set up for heartbreak and lots of disappointment.

The key is going into relationships with your eyes WIDE open and to have expectations CLEAR in your mind…clear enough that you can convey them to another person and clear enough that you can excuse yourself from potential relationships that do not meet that. After all, if you ARE seeking a love connection in a virtual world there are many MANY possibilities, and why settle or take time and opportunity away from the person you truly desire? It is unfair to blame someone else for your disappointment if you failed to inquire about another person’s expectations or worse, never communicated your own.

The diversity of Second Life extends beyond anything we can experience in the tangible world, which in some ways may make it seem more appealing than life lived amongst the breathing. Any ideal you fantasize about for yourself or a partner, assuredly exists. As you explore all the possibilities, don’t lose touch with who you truly are, and that which will bring both lives happiness and fulfillment. In short, don’t become “meat” in the market. (grin)

Love, peace and blessings XO

Acu

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"Keep It Moving" (a poem)

He comes in the night

She draws back her curtain

His words are convincing

Still she feels uncertain

He says "No drama"

and has no shame

"Don't hate the player

Hate the game.."

What she does not see 

Behind the screen

A human typist

and low self esteem

His ego is grand

When his face is hidden

and he'll go to places

That were once forbidden

His philosphy of life

Reveals his true weakness

His time in life spent

With little achievement

His friends list revealed

He reads like a book

If she is fast and easy

He drops the hook

but a Man, proudly certain

will sets his sights high

and will not settle

for a quickly raised thigh

Great effort produces

The highest aquisition

His desire aroused

By his soul's intuition

To conquer the woman

He most admires

Affirms to his soul

Worth of all he aspires

Perhaps in time

He will know his value

Look for depth in his life

and the Love he is due

Until then he'll continue

The pseudo expert of seduction

With the women in his path 

Victims of his destruction

Take heed willing lady

If His worth is left unproven

Save yourself the heartbreak

and  tell him... "keep it moving..."

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (42): "Going Home"

I can’t sleep. Its 5:30AM and my mind is racing so I decided I might as well get up. I have been restless since yesterday. I met someone, a very nice person who is reengaging after having left Second Life a few years ago. He had deleted his avatar at that time, appreciating that he “had to” because his “real life” depended upon it. Pretty drastic, but not unusual. Like so many others, the allure of this place called to him again and he is back, ready for a second round of immersion in this virtual space.

I meet lots of people, on regular basis. It’s one aspect of Second Life that I truly enjoy. I love people, and when I found the grid, I was at a point in my life when I had all but completely closed myself off to the world, relationally. I had begun to isolate myself having felt betrayed, unappreciated, unvalued….unloved.

Second Life seemed like Heaven. I could be anyone I wanted to be and hide behind my avatar. This prospect was exhilarating, because I’d lead such a “vanilla, appropriate, socially acceptable” life. I loved the idea of being and doing something else. Over the course of 2 years, I proceeded to explore every possible curiosity to include the darker, more repressed aspects of myself. I’d done the whole “squeaky clean thing” and my existence boiled to a head with me feeling like my life had no meaning. Over and over I met with my understanding about life and myself crossing new ideas and perceptions that challenged my understanding about what was good, bad, real or unreal. I became frustrated about some of those crossroads deciding that those who had guided me were delusive and had left out some really important stuff. I began to realize, everything that I understood as “bad” was not…only subjectively evaluated as such… although some things still, I decided really WERE bad *for me* but not necessarily for all.

I’ve formed some very intense relationships as a result of my life on the grid. Challenging judgments opened the way for me to allow people into my life, I might have avoided in the tangible world. Relationships are TREMENDOUSLY important in this process because it allows us to actually “test” these ideas about “being” via the reactions, experiences and connections we create with others while in this new skin. All relationships, of various kinds are important and we are drawn to them, in an almost hypnotic way, sometimes seeking the same painful experiences over and over trying to make sense of this urging we feel.

..and then in 2009, the wall came crumbling down and I realized that my second life was seeping into my first one and my core was rocked in a way, I can not explain. So I began asking different questions, and looking for others who felt the same. I needed to know I was not loosing my mind and that someone else knew exactly what it was I was talking about. …and a group of 500 members; a friends list of over 700 and nearly 100 live discussions later I realized this experience is prevalent and calling to many MANY people as technology and social networking evolves the way people of the world relate to one another.

People come to Second Life for a myriad of reasons…business, education, research…There is a special population of us, however, who are here to discover who we truly are. We are the residents… generally people who heard about Second Life somewhere in the media or via recounts of another resident fully immersed and were so intrigued by what we heard that we came to see for ourselves…and moved in.

As I reflect, I have redefined my understand of “purgatory” the place in Dante’s “Divine Comedy” between hell and paradise where the souls “purge” their thoughts and ideas about themselves and the way they lived their life. Most say it’s a place of punishment… but a deeper understanding reveals it is a place of purification… where a “burning off” of these thoughts allows the soul to become “free and pure” of those ideas that no longer serve it and over time guides the soul toward paradise…and paradise isn’t even “Heaven” the mystical place of golden streets and angels, eternal peace…as most religions describe… it is Eden… a place on EARTH where the soul continues its ascension toward something all encompassing but with a more “serving and meaningful” existence on the next plane.

This is the soul’s journey… one that happens for everyone over the course of a lifetime. The Internet, social networking and especially virtual worlds have provided a space where this process of liberation happens at a tremendously hyper rate… it is unprecedented…we are connecting, growing and exploring in a way never seen before.

I don’t know where this journey is leading me now, there is a new longing in my chest that is urging me to ask, and I wait patiently for an answer. Under every challenge is an opportunity to ask… the really hard question, and find redemption and release in the answer.

In less than a week I will be 40….40 years in the wilderness…I am asking…and praying for a renewal of my mind…and a place in Paradise.

Peace and blessings XO

Acu

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (38): Rez-olution

res·o·lu·tion [rez-uh-loo-shuhn] –noun

1. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

2. the degree of sharpness of a computer-generated image as measured by the number of dots per linear inch in a hard-copy printout or the number of pixels across and down on a display screen.

Last week (March 2, 2011) marked the 4^th anniversary of my Second Life. Each time a new year passes, I try to reflect on my time here and make a decision about how SL will fit into my life moving forward. I have spent a significant amount of my existence here the past four years. When I found SL in 2007, I was in a particularly vulnerable place in my life having lived within the confines of a very narrow definition of what it meant to live a “good life”. At the time, what I valued most was my marriage, family, financial stability and career mobility. What I realized at that critical time in March 2007 was that none of those things gave me happiness. Of course at different times, in different ways they each gave me joy, but I was not satisfied with my life.

As I reflected back I realized that, at that time, I had become socially isolated, while meeting the demands of my family and career; that I no longer remembered how to save time just for myself, to contemplate…anticipate and grow; and that I had given up what I valued most…the gift of creativity. As a result, I could no longer see my value because I felt out of place within the confines of this predefined role I assumed and worked diligently to mold myself into.

Second life changed all that. On the grid, there were no limits or expectations about who I was or what I was doing there, other than those I self-imposed. I was free to create in ways I never had before and to explore relationships more deeply than I had ever imagined. I love people so much, and being reconnected was like a rebirth. After a while though, I found that all I wanted to do was “be” in second life. The gift of relationship and intimacy also taught me that I was hungry for something deeper in my life, to some how synthesize what I was experiencing in SL into my first life so that I could feel it more intensely and regularly. Life doesn’t always work the way you want it though and after 4 years I am realizing that SL has its place, but to try to integrate it into my first life in some permanent way, would cause it to lose some of its majesty, mystery and infinite possiblitiy.  It is a part of my life, but a separate part and one that can bring both intense pleasure and pain as many of you well know.

So I’ve decided that it’s ok, to have two separate lives that influence but don’t necessarily coincide with each other. I’ve resolved that my “rez”olution in world is only part of my “resolution” for LIVING. That instead of living my second life in the real world (which will never happen until I can fly and teleport [wink]) that it is much more useful for me to create a second FIRST Life. A second “phase” , if you will, appreciating that I can choose to develop new ways of living for as long as I am alive. That I do not have to limit myself in one lifetime to one way of living my life! This go ‘round I’ll include those prudent things that help me to maintain food, water, shelter…and internet access (grin) but more importantly it will also include first life “paved ways” for exploration of the self in tangible way.

“It is better to create than you be learned, creating is the true essence of life.”

                                                                                    -Barthold Georg Niebuhr

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Synthesis Note (35): "All The Beauty"

Song of the Moment: "All the Beauty" by Donn

Once upon a time there a there was a beautiful avatar named (your name here).  She  (or your correct gender) was perfect in the eyes of her maker and was created at the perfect time, in the perfect place with all the tools she would need to fulfill her (second) life purpose. She would bring experience to her maker (in first life) which could not be had without her existence and she would function "as" her creator (in avatar form) in this new world to fulfill this purpose and ultimately allow them both to grow.

As she explored this strange world, she was curious and inquisitive, enjoying the beauty and mystery of this place, which seemed made just for her. She then began to encounter other avatars of all colors, shapes and sizes. She was intrigued by all of the experiences she had and in time began to question her self image. She began to change her appearance, ways of living and being to fit in, to feel accepted and to try to meet their (perceived) expectations of her. She is socially successful with many friends, but begins to feel less whole as she juggles the new images she creates for them.

Eventually, she fell in love with another avatar who found her quite beautiful even though she no longer thought this of herself. This pleased and then later frightened her because she had never experienced feelings like this before and had forgotten how perfect she was in the eyes of her maker at the time of her creation. You see, he was perfect (as was she) and she could see this clearly. She felt unworthy of all that he had to offer her and so, she began to shape herself into what she believed would match his perfection. These changes confused her partner and in time she was no longer the avatar he fell in love with and they grew apart.

…so "as above so below" ...and the story goes in second life as in the first life... innocence lost... she’d forgotten her perfection moving from avatar to avatar, relationship to relationship searching for that which she felt would make her whole again….

Will our protagonist fulfill the purpose designed by her maker? Will they synthesize these experiences and grow as one?

......stay tuned....

NOTE To The Reader (grin): What governs each of us is our own self image…that is, how we SEE ourselves. Even in our most perfect form, we find that that which we seek eludes us if we cannot love and accept ourselves in the same way we seek that acceptance from others. We don’t consider that those things we see as flaws, may be just the perfection another is seeking. “I am” is the most power phrase ever spoken. Whatever follows it, …you become. If you want new experiences you have to see yourself differently. Change your inner image and perceptions…transform your LIFE.

Finding peace in pieces…
Acu

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A Wonderful Life 2010 (Synthesis Note [34])

Welcome to 2010…it’s a wonderful life! Remember that movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)”?!? If for some reason you haven’t, it’s a great holiday movie about an angel who helps a compassionate but despairingly frustrated businessman by showing what life would have been like if he never existed. I was a kid when I first saw it, and although I didn’t understand all the themes at the time, I was attentive enough to have the seed planted that without certain people in my life, it would not be the same, and vice versa.

There were many times in 2009 when I questioned my self-value. It was a challenging year! RL demands and financial problems, relationships gone sour, periods of loneliness that felt worse during the holidays…and on and on. Many times I wanted it all to stop… and to be given a chance to start over. As the close of the year drew near, I began to explore what I might change in the approaching New Year.

Lots of things were placed on the chopping block for consideration…some personal relationships, a change in my professional career… and my Second Life. I, however, wondered if the things I want to release, might actually be serving me in some way that I do not yet understand. I still get confused about my Second Life. Why I am here, why I feel so compelled to stay and whether it actually serves any real purpose in my life. I cannot deny, however, the value of the relationships I have built, the joy I experience when I virtually connect with people here, and the applicability of some of the SL experiences, in my RL.

One of my greatest pleasures in SL is the ability to PLAY with abandon. I can present my avatar in whatever form I wish and still be accepted and appreciated. Not sure if I could show up to a ball dressed as a Na’vi from the movie “Avatar (2009)” and receive the same reaction. (chuckles) It gives my heart so much joy to play …probably the reason why I love kids so much. I can hear the childhood song “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”  in my head as I am writing this. The lyrics are so simple that it is probably the best advice I can follow as I resolve to create a better year in 2010 than I had in 2009.

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream.

A Wonderful Life… what made the life more valuable in that 1946 movie was a new LOOK on that life. George’s ability to appreciate his life from another PERSPECTIVE was what liberated him from his pain. His circumstances did not change, his outlook of them did, and that brought him tremendous joy and peace.

Instead of focusing on all of 2010, I’ll choose to focus on each day, …each new moment, and opportunity at a time. Everything, every day is a new creation. It is a new activity moving through us at that very moment. So, when things are not so merry, I’ll stop…ask myself what can I do differently IN THAT MOMENT to change the direction of my thoughts and thereby my actions. From that peaceful place, I affirm that I will gain BETTER understanding of what I need to release and what to allow in. If I am unable to think of anything else, I will express my gratitude for whatever things keep me whole in that moment… my friends, my family, my health, …for the love in my heart.

“Peace by Piece” is my resolution for the new year.. for this new day. Thank you for allowing me to share and for sharing your Second Lives with me.

Sharing my Peace/Piece, with love and gratitude
…gently and merrily down the stream,
Acu   XOXO

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Relationships Are Like Glass (Synthesis Note [32])

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it is better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown

Today I want to remind you that you are whole, perfect and worthy just the way you are. You are loved and appreciated, but sometimes we seek acknowledgement for that from someone beyond a door that has closed despite that fact that there are open windows all around.

Melodie Beattie said “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

I am grateful for the blessings of my first life.

I am grateful for the blessings of my second life

I am grateful for my relationships in both lives and connecting with people who are as open and willing to provide me love, support and guidance, as I am to provide it for others.

I am grateful for the ability to forgive and for the understanding that if I am unwilling to forgive, how could I ask others to forgive those transgressions *I* have committed? It has to start somewhere...

I am grateful for those who have forgiven me, in honor of our love and connection.

If noone has told you today, I want you to know that *I* love you, *I*  appreciate you and feel so grateful that you share your second life with me ...and each other.

We are here for you … just beyond the window pane (and pain)…

SEE US? (waves & smiles)

Bless XOXO
Acu

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The Stolen Life (Synthesis Note [29])

Song of the Moment: “Sometimes Dancin’” Brownstone (lyrics below)

“Sometimes [people] try to sneak their inner life…because people are desirous of having the ESSENCE [of] the thing that reminds them of true consciousness, true love, true relationship with … spirit, and the soul… It’s that feeling… they’re after (whatever their proclivities are)… Sneaking a life because the real one is not given room enough to thrive, is hard on vitality...and the captured and starved people sneak all kinds of things... The stolen life is a half life…because it does not allow a person to function like a normal person.... it causes them to function...as though they are a furtive and captured person.”
      ~Clarissa Pinkola-Estes
“The Red Shoes: On Torment and The Recovery of the Soul Life”

Many of you know that I have danced tirelessly with my relationship to Second Life. Some days I feel like a ballerina leaping effortlessly in pirouettes and chaînés across the grid, while others I feel tortured like a private dancer called to sway endlessly to the intoxicating melodies.

I have flirted frequently with the idea that I am addicted to SL. As a mental health professional RL, I am trained to look for pathology and there are many times that I’ve felt that SL is used as an escape that is unhealthy for me. After all, I tell people all the time that if you spend five consecutive hours per day doing any one thing, it’s worth examining. I love Second Life. I have learned more about myself (who I am and who I am NOT) in the past 2 years, than I had in the previous 30 “something” (grin). I’ve rationalized that anything that feels this good, can’t be bad for me.

A few months ago I went public and called it an addiction. Not in my playful chiding, but a serious admission as the initial step to what I’d hoped would become the “first step” of my “recovery”. Although my PATH-ology was not completely indicative of an addiction, I was dancing tirelessly, uncontrollably and wanted to reclaim “productive” time.

Earlier this year, (2009) I came to a crossroad where I was no longer able to understand how SL fit into my real world. I believe everything happens in cycles, and in my early stages of SL residency, most of my time was productive! I am very proud of the relationships I’ve developed and the growth of the SL/RL Relationships Discussion Group. The discussions are always lively and the attendance and feedback encouraged me to continue to do them. Additionally, some of my SL relationships have provided a means to examine my RL relationship with my husband and the things about my marriage that are healthy and valuable! I made many positive changes, becoming more serious about my writing (a passion abandoned early on as I was socialized to believe it was not a valuable pursuit) and reevaluating my career path.

Logging in almost daily for two years has become a part of my daily routine “…go to work…pick up kids…help with homework, baths, kids to bed…SL time”. Although active with the in-world group and SL commitments, (which I felt was an extension of my RL work and a means for volunteerism), SL has become less productive and more of a distraction from my efforts to integrate my new connection to my creative self…the Writer Reborn.

I am realizing that its time for a new routine. Not that SL will not continue to be part of my real life, but that it is time to redefine what role it will have as I rearrange my life to incorporate all that I have learned…

So call it an addiction… or a distraction…at some point we all must accept when it is time to let go of those things in our lives that no longer serve us. I have embraced Second Life, for the positive service it has provided my life, and hopefully the lives of others… my husband, children, friends, clients and just perhaps you as you are reading this now (smile)…

Thank you for being part of my Life (First & Second)
                                               … Self Discovery
                                               … Self Acceptance
                                               … loving and allowing me to Love!                                          

In Love, Peace and Faith…
Acu

P.S. to follow me DEEPER in the water…read “The Devil’s Red Shoes” at http://www.blogher.com/devils-red-shoes ([smiles] Bless XOXO)

“Sometimes Dancin’” Brownstone

I never knew that you wanted me so bad
Feelings now convert to love
Can’t look to your eyes
I’m too afraid to see
Where we might end up tonight

Maybe it won’t be so bad
After all I’ve never had
Loving where one moment’s all it took

CHORUS
Sometimes dancing can make you fall in love
The way your body moves before you eyes

Sexy movements keeps you dreaming of
All the little games you play at night

(Brownstone -- coming straight to attack ya
  B R O W N S T O N E, Brownstone)

Gotta be careful
We just might be too close
I don’t know if that’s so good

We shared that moment
And now it has to end
Want to see you once again if I could

Maybe it won’t be so bad
After all I’ve never had
Loving where one moment’s all it took

CHORUS

When you dancing boy, I make you go crazy
Want your every move to keep you daydreaming
While you only have me body for one night
Wanna make you move
Wanna make you groove and you feel alright
(repeat)

CHORUS to fade

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Follow The Leader (Synthesis Note [28])

Song of the Moment: “SuperWoman” by Stevie Wonder (lyrics below)

You know some people might tell you that I am the shy, quiet type (snickers) NOT! … more like the quintessential control freak! (smile) This idea of following the leader has become a recurring message for me as I somehow can’t seem to figure out how to make this idea of life and relationships work consistently. A long time SL friend of mine recently accused me of “not wanting to be happy,” which certainly is not the case… (although my best writing usually happens when I’m in the valley versus on the mountain top). I, however, keep finding myself in the same situations over and over, as if I am playing out a tale where the characters change, but the story always ends the same.

While on the phone today trying to advise a friend (who ironically seems to be following a parallel fairy tale), we talked about the idea that sometimes we just have to resolve that we don’t have the answer to every problem. You’ll never see books on how to be a good “follower” it’s LEADING that we all strive for, being in control. I realized however, that being a leader does not mean telling people what to do, or how to do it… it is saying to those around you “I’ll go first.”

In some situations, I am the ideal person to go first, because I have a knowledge base developed of my experiences and there are some territories I have already navigated. I, therefore, have a better probability of being able to guide others to the desired destination. There are many paths, however, that I have not yet traveled, and in those situations it would be in the best interest of all involved, to be willing to follow someone else who has been down that road and “done that.”

The hardest thing for me is the idea of having someone “lead” me. For some reason I interpret that to mean that I am inferior in some way…that I need someone else to help me. Isn’t that what relationship is about, though? Sharing the responsibility of caring for one another? If I was complete and perfect all by myself, would I even desire relationship with another? The reality is, although I may be unwilling to admit it, I DO need to be lead, to be guided down those roads less traveled. I need to hear/see/experience another’s script so that I can end this play  …this DRAMA…this TRAEGDY and finally have the happy ending I’ve been waiting for.

I’ve been a leader for so long, I think its time to learn how trust that someone ELSE may have just the answer I’ve been looking for and to have FAITH that if I am patient and truly WILLING, the people I need to lead me will come.

Even better…I’ll discover that they were here for me all along!


Faithfully,
Acu XOXO

“Superwoman” by Stevie Wonder

Mary wants to be a superwoman
But is that really in her head
But I just want to live each day to love her
for what she is

Mary wants to be another movie star
But is that really in her mind
And all the things she wants to be
She needs to leave behind

But, very well, I believe I know you-very well
Wish that you knew me too-very well
And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

Very well, and I think I can face-very well
Wish that you knew me too-very well
And I think I can cope with everything going through your head

Mary wants to be a superwoman
And try to boss the bull around
But does she really think that she will get by with a dream

My woman want to be a superwoman
And I just had to say good-bye
Because I can't spend all my hours start to cry

But, very well, I believe I know you
Very well wish that you knew me too
Very well, And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

Very well, think that I know you too
Very well, wish you knew me like I know you
Very well, but I think I can deal with everything going through your head
Your filthy head

Very well, dum dum da, dum dum da
Very well, wish you knew me too
Very well, And I wish I could think of everything going through your head

Very well, dum dum da, dum da, dum da
dum dum da, dum da, very well
And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

When the summer came you were not around
Now the summer's gone and love cannot be found
Where were you when I needed you-last winter, my love?

When the winter came you went further south
Parting from love's nest, leaving me in doubt
Where are you when I need you, like right now?

Our love is at an end
But you say now you have changed
But tomorrow will reflect love's past

When the winter came you were not around
Through the bitter winds love could not be found
Where were you when I needed you, last winter, my love?

Oh I need you baby, I need you baby

Our love is at an end
But you say now you have changed,
But tomorrow will reflect love's past oh

Spring will fill the air and you will come around,
With your summer love that will let me down,
Where were you when I needed you, last winter, my love?

La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, la la la la la
Where are you when I need you, like right now?
Right now, right now, right now

Where were you when I needed you last winter, my dear
I need you baby, I need you baby, I need you baby
Oh, Where were you when I needed you last winter, last winter

Yea, Need you Baby, need you, need you baby,
Oh, you want me too need you baby
Oh where were you when I needed you last, dear
Yea

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Loving You Always... (Synthesis Note [27])

Song of the Moment: "As" by Stevie Wonder (lyrics below)

Yesterday I sent out a note to the group. Later in the day, I received a note from a member indicating that he was leaving the group. In his note, he explained: " I am not comfortable when people are so openly expressing deep personal feelings like love and fear and doubt towards relatively strangers. And that we are, we members of your group. In the Netherlands we only say I LOVE YOU to very intimate friends." He attributed this to cultural differences as I am from the US. The writer went on to say that he felt that in the discussions, the quality of the input from other members may be less than insightful "... I see a lot of superficial 'acting out' of being spiritual and feeling persons with some of the group members. Saying you appreciate and even love each other a lot does not make it more real, I fear."

My initial response to the writer, although supportive and affirmative relative to my desire to remain connected, was very defensive. I felt attacked and felt the members who I love so dearly were also being attacked and so I drew a line around myself (and the group) and commented: "... [I] believe...a true connection is... free of any conditions or stipulations around how they should or should not behave to validate my (desire) to feel connected to them. With that said, I respect your choice and affirm my relationship with you (smile)...Membership is optional...love and acceptance (at least until love is possible) is required."

As I reflected on this exchange later, I realized that I was being just as judgmental and segregative as I'd perceived the writer to be. I had missed an opportunity to connect with him, in the way I have always supported and encouraged in others. After all, he didn’t have to write me a note at all. He could have simply left the group. In my introspection, I understood that despite what I perceived the words to mean, that this was a reaching out. This member has not attended the discussions, but I would assume has kept track of them via the webposts. I also could not recall a time when I have conversed with him on a personal level. This might seem insignificant, as there are many members in the group with whom I have not interacted with on a personal level, but the fact that he took the time to compose a well articulated message to me says something...more than I was willing to acknowledge in my initial defensiveness.

Drawing lines, making judgments, separation …are against everything I believe. I will accept his choice, of course… but will release any feelings of discontent around the experience. That is what love IS. I will not stop loving him... I will not stop loving YOU, because IMHO love is ALWAYS the answer... ALWAYS. We are so interdependent upon one another. It was divinely indoctrinated. No wo/man is an island, although socially we may feel that way sometimes. I attribute the growth of the group less to anything I have done (other than provide a means to come together) but more because people feel connected to something. I think members feel affirmed, cared for, validated.. but most importantly, not alone.

Thank you for being a part of the group...
Thank you for being willing to connect with one another...
Thank you for being....and loving!

Peace & blessings with LOVE
Acu
XOXO

"As" by Stevie Wonder

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I'll be loving you always
As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I'll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky---ALWAYS
Until the ocean covers every mountain high---ALWAYS
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea---ALWAYS
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
Just as time knew to move on since the beginning
And the seasons know exactly when to change
Just as kindness knows no shame
Know through all your joy and pain
That I'll be loving you always
As today I know I'm living but tomorrow
Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear
For I'll know deep in my mind
The love of me I've left behind Cause I'll be loving you always

Until the day is night and night becomes the day---ALWAYS
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away---ALWAYS
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4---ALWAYS
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Did you know that you're loved by somebody?
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left---ALWAYS
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
I'll be loving you forever
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through---ALWAYS
Until the day that you are me and I am you---ALWAYS
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky~~ALWAYS

We all know sometimes lifes hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet you life times that and twice its double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed
so make sure when you say you're in it but not of it
You're not helping to make this earth a place sometimes called Hell
Change your words into truths and then change that truth into love
And maybe our children's grandchildren
And their great-great grandchildren will tell
I'll be loving you

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky--Loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high--Loving you
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea--Loving you
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream--Be loving you
Until the day is night and night becomes the day--Loving you
Until the trees and seas up, up and fly away--Loving you
Until the day that 8x8x8x8 is 4--Loving you
Until the day that is the day that are no more--Loving you
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left--Be loving you
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself--Loving you
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through--Loving you
Until the day that you are me and I am you--
Now ain't that loving you
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Ain't that loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
And I've got to say always

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Born Again (Synthesis Note [26])

Song of the Moment: "Born Again" V feat. Jill Scott (lyrics below)

As I've moved toward self evolution and away from compulsions which don't serve either of my lives (1st or 2nd), I've begun to expand my online presence outside the walls of SL. Yesterday, I was playing around with my new twitter subscription and one of my followers posted a URL for an article about SL (http://tinyurl.com/b82few). The article itself was not all that intriguing, as I find most people outside of the grid really don’t understand what is happening here for us residents. It was a comment posted by a user however, that threatened to take me back in my progress of integrating online with RL. He/she posted quite judgmentally: "I guess when you don't have a real-life you have to make one up online and pay for it on top of it... Alot of sad individuals out there.  I count my blessings everyday that I have a good job, good friends and good family and not have to resort to a fantasy world to fulfill my happiness." 

It is comments like these that chase me into thoughts of guilt and shame about my relationship with SL, which I've battled for most of my time here. Thoughts of being "less than" because of fear about what "outsiders" would think of my second life. In my self-condemnation after reading this post, I failed to acknowledge that the person writing 1) posted to an online forum; 2) anonymously; 3) in an effort to be acknowledged in his/her online presence. 


How hypocritical I finally realized!


I've focused so much effort and attention on making the fragments that are my first and second life a singularity. The irony is, every aspect of my RL is compartmentalized and before SL, I always thought this was healthy.  As I was chatting with my SL friend Reflection Freenote, he put it this way: "yes, it is dissociative in the moment, but the overall fabric is maintained through a sense of acceptance of fragmentation, and the awareness that all the pieces have of all the others:))"


Yeah! What he said! (grin) In recent weeks, I've let go of a lot... with SL on the top of my list of things NOT to do despite its place in the corner of my heart as a "thing to hold on to." I think I've been focused on letting go of the wrong thing. It is the judgments, criticisms and self-doubt that no longer serve me... in any life. I don’t expect my Caucasian friends to fully understand my experience as an African-American, (even when they try too) but I still love them, and don’t judge them for it. Why should I expect any different in my relationships with offline friends relative to my SL?


SL is just another source of love, support, self-fulfillment and connectedness. Acu was created in my RL likeness (personality wise [grin]), and although she is able to explore parts of me that may be unavailable RL, I always reserve the right to create that same aspect of me in my RL. It is all love…, a closed cycle, complete, perfect with both ups and downs. I envision the symbol for infinity turned up…cycling up and down to return up again, never ending..... 
the valleys …
and mountain tops…
and dives to the valley again... 
Blessing each experience 
As birth, life, death, resurrection... Born Again.


With love peace and blessings INFINATELY…
Acu  XOXO


"Born Again" by V. feat. Jill Scott


I'm Born Again
Your Living Water never ends
I'm Born Again
Your Living Water never ends


I used to be so sad
but now a days I bathe inside your love
I can't get away
My eyes now tell a story
how lonely days no longer rule my life
now that you're with me
Never forget that day
I first decided, said "how 'bout it?" to myself
and took a leap of faith
No disappointments today
'cuz everything I've ever wanted
is inside your rain.


CHORUS
I'm Born Again (Baptized by your spirit)
Your Living Water (It's because of you)
I'm Born Again (but now I can feel it)
Your Living Water never ends


You made me change my ways
and I'm so glad I found someone
who can quench my thirst.
Had problems before you came in my life
now the problems in my life 
are washed away
A new beginning you have given me
all sins are forgiven, evening if I'm not worthy
Tranquility feels so good to me
Drenched by your majesty, I'm soak and wet


CHORUS


(J. Scott interlude to fade)


Captured...I'm captured


Write it down(so lost)...to rest 
Page for page (this existence) 
(I am so lost inside this ... miracle)
and by no measure (capture this) can I comprehend delicious-THIS
(Create me all over again just to experience this)


This experience ...captured and I come (so satisfying)
I am so emoted...let me KNOW


Book after book could not possibly fit
(Can't even begin) capture this love
I would start all over again...

Read more »

SL/RL Synthesis Note (25): The Resurrection

Song of the Moment:  "My Life" Mary J. Blige  (Yamama’nym Remake)

In my life, I’ve tried to live authentically. To be the best I could be and to live by the creed “do the right thing.” When I found SL, I discovered a place to be “inauthentic,” and explore sides of me I had not previously examined or entertained. Having reached what I thought was the top of the mountain, I leaped from the peaks deep into the valley like a droplet racing the waterfall down hill. For more than a year I immersed myself in this world swimming among others, exploring the depths of my soul. Here I  discovered ocean trenches: places so deep that I felt my life had imploded…

I have often joked about the idea of my Second Life being an addiction. In-world the word is thrown about casually and usually in jest. I realized that I spent an extraordinary amount of time logged in, but shook it off as an earned indulgence for the hectic RL I was living. Slowly I pulled away from the monotony spending less time away from home, then at work, then at my church and with friends. I’d log on, meet up with online friends who were doing the same thing and enjoy exploring the grid, and my inner most fantasies. At some point, however,  I realized that I needed to integrate my 1st and 2nd lives and invited my RL husband to join me in an effort to synthesize, but even that did not slow my free fall. There were aspects of my SL that I wanted to keep to myself…my escape and refuge.

…and then one day I stopped, looked around and realized that I had forgotten my way home. At that moment, I realize that in my seclusion, it was dark and I became afraid that I might not make it back. For the next year, I struggled against the water to swim upstream, desperate, tired and afraid. I wanted to go back to the peak, to climb out of the rabbit hole. I asked myself, “What is it that keeps me here?” I realized that when I wasn’t logged in, I wanted to be in-world. My thoughts kept me longing for my next SL adventure and during especially stressful times I felt agitated and irritable if unable to access my special, private space. Logging in was a relief…a release.

When finally I made that realization, I also accepted that I was lost. Addiction at its core is about isolating and guarding compulsive activity against the other aspects of one’s life. Overcoming it, means releasing the anxieties and frustrations locked inside the habit and mastering rather than suppressing them…it is resurrecting the abandoned self and creating a healthy marriage with the isolated self…reclaiming the isolated self back into the mainstream of one’s identity.

…but how did I get here in the first place? If I were able to master my fears, frustrations and anxieties I wouldn’t be in this predicament!

…and so with no plausible idea for how to get back to the peak, and unsuccessful in my efforts to swim upstream

I Surrender

… and ask that something greater than “I” take over…and in that release, I am flowing, freely embracing the current which cycles me through the crashing tides to a gentle, restful stream which nurtures me. In my open admission and voice, people in RL and SL come to my side to offer support, reassurance and comfort…divinely guided to my path to assist me in this journey. We assist one another, and grow…”flow” together.

…and in that space of quiet contemplation and open space, I rediscover who I am and begin to move toward a rebirth,

…finding rest in the SYNERGY.

In love…Bless XOXO
Acu

"My Life" Mary J. Blige
(Yamama’myn Remake)

Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin’ down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

And you'll be at peace with yourself
You won't really need no one else
Except for the man up above
Because He'll give you love

[Chorus]
If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
My life, my life, my life

[Verse 2]
Take your time
Baby don't you rush a thing
Don't you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
And if you don't believe in me
Just believe in "He"

Cause He'll give you peace of mind
Yes He will
And you'll see the sunshine
For real, yes you would
And you'll get to free your mind
And things will turn out fine
Oh, I know that things will turn out fine
Yes they would, yes they would

[Chorus to Music interlude]
  (In the Sunshine)

All you gotta do is take your time,
And you will see the sunshine
One day at a time
Then you will see the sunshine
If you take it one day at a time
If you look into my life

[Chorus]

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (24): *I* Set ME Free

Song of the Moment: "Sojourn of Arjuna" by Bela Fleck & the Flecktones

It has been sometime since I've written a note. In recent months I've been seriously contemplating the meaning of my life... first and second. My relationship with SL continues to be a battle, for which I have consistently sought a peaceful resolve. There are no words to express what I have gained and lost in my time here and in a few days, I will meet my rez day for the second time. I began the SL/RL Relationships Group discussions as I sought answers around SL relationships and only recently have I discovered that it is my relationship with SL that is of primary concern and importance for me.

The question has always been, "Who am I and what am I supposed to be doing?" I grew so tired of the rigor of RL and the constant anxiety around fulfilling some societal, predetermined life purpose, that ultimately I was forced to surrendering to something outside of myself (out of my realm of control) to give me guidance and direction.  It was then that I found SL. The connections I have made here have filled me with joy, fear, pain. Through exploration and experimentation, I have experienced many of the fantasies and ideals I had convinced myself would fulfill my RL if given the opportunity. I learned, however, that many of these fantasies were more facades which only continued to distort my view of who I am and my purpose for being. Regardless of who I pretended to be, the end result was always the same...a feeling of being unfulfilled.

I believe that I chose my life journey, prior to being conceived (human and avatar). That some how I was predestined to walk this path of self-discovery over the infinite possibilities. To discover my "self"... who it is I am destined to be. As I've traveled, however, I have been waiting for this discovery as though it would just show up one day and set me free. I would have arrived at my destination, achieved the goal! What I am beginning to understand, is that life is not a destination or discovery....it is a CHOICE, a decision, a process of creation. I am learning that I can create whatever life I want in each moment if I can let go of needing to control the outcome. Letting go of the disappointment of things not turning out exactly as I had planned, but accepting and appreciating that I may be (co)creating something new, of which I would have never planned for or expected on my own. A partner and friend of the "Infinite" which reminds me that there are no mistakes.

 ... and with that understanding, I am accepting that the answer to my problems is knowing that each person, place or situation placed in my path is exactly the way it is supposed to be at that moment.

I am listening to my heart
      and in each moment
            making a choice
               stepping out on faith
                    and creating my journey.
Join me in manifesting destiny!

With love, peace and blessings
Acu
XOXO


"Sojourn of Arjuna" by Bela Fleck & the Flecktones

So Arjuna and Krishna
   you know they're hanging out on the battlefield
Arjuna is like tired of war,
   he's trying to get out of this battle
so Krishna drops a little science on him,
   he says "You know, it's the way of spiritual growth
    a man must go forth from where he stands
    he cannot jump to the absolute, he must evolve toward it."
Krishna says, "At any given moment in time we are what we are,
   Arjuna we have to accept the consequences of being ourselves
   and only through this acceptance can we begin to evolve further
   we may select the battleground but we cannot avoid the battle."

MUSIC INTERLUDE

so Krishna tells Arjuna,
   "It follows therefore that every action under certain circumstances
     and for certain people may actually be a stepping stone
     to spiritual growth."
Arjuna is to do the best he knows
in order to pass beyond that best to better
How can we prescribe our neighbors to be perfect
when it is so hard to know our own heart?

The pacifist must respect Arjuna
Arjuna must respect the pacifist.
Both are going toward the same goal.
If they are really sincere
There's an underlying solidarity between them
Which can be expressed
Each one follows without compromise the path upon which he finds himself
   for we can only help others to do their duty
   by doing what we ourselves believe to be right
   it is the one supremely social act.

So, Krishna's reply to Arjuna occupies the rest of the story
It deals not only with Arjuna's immediate personal problem
But the whole nature of action
The meaning of life
   and the aims for which man must struggle here on earth.

At the end of the conversation Arjuna has changed his mind
He's ready to fight, he's ready to go ahead on
It is the way of spiritual growth
   a man must go forward from where he stands
   he cannot jump to the absolute
   and the battle begins...

Read more »

SL/RL Synthesis Note (22): "Yeah, ... but LOVE don't pay the RENT!?!"

Originally posted 10/18/2008


Song of the Moment: "Love Will" Ra-Re Valverde (feat. Paul Harder)
(lyrics below)

Over a year ago I awoke from a nightmare when I finally asked the question "what exactly is the point of it all?" Having reached all that my grandparents insisted I achieve "college educated, married, career mother of 2.5 kids (a daughter and boy/girl twins ~complete with the material accessories)," I felt disconnected, numb and unhappy.

It all felt pointless until I reevaluated what success is. It is so easy to overlook your blessings and be ungracious when you are focused on all the things you still need to acquire. In this constant striving, it is as though we are always seeking something more, many times at another’s expense. It amazes me how those who seemingly "have it all" seem to be just as unhappy as the rest of us, so I again question the point.

In the United States the consciousness is shifting, a move away from stagnation as people are craving change...something new, hope in a promise of Unity, collaboration, awareness and growth. When we begin to focus on this for our own lives, one by one this shift becomes more evident as groups, communities, a NATION begins asking the same question.

The answer...is always Love. Love of oneself, love of another, love for each other, love of our environment. It isn't just a "feeling," it is a state of BEING. When centered in it, there is a level of clarity and certainty that is unparalleled as it serves as the foundation for how we make decisions, how we treat others, the way we live our lives.

I realize that love in and of itself won't pay my bills. As much as I'd like to dedicate my entire life to spreading love and connection, unless I get paid for some aspect of it, I place my family at a disadvantage. However, I have faith in what loving and supporting others (versus competing with and undermining them) will allow me to build through the connections I make with people placed in my path. I TRUST the infinite nature of the universe and am grounded in the idea that there is enough for everyone if we are open to being connected as opposed to seeking ways to segregate from one another.

Being open to each person's insight helps me to remember that anything I aspire to achieve is possible. Where I am ignorant, you have knowledge. Like pieces of a puzzle, we fit together to create greater wisdom...but we must come together. No success is achieved alone and every question I ask is often answered if I am attentive and receptive to the people surrounding me.

More important than what we own, is how enriched our lives are through our relationships with others. It is relationship with another that creates learning, healing and growth in our lives...individually and collectively.

There is power in Unity...
                the power in becoming One.

Blessed love XOXO
Acu

                     VOTE~VOTE~~VOTE~~VOTE~~VOTE
                   +*✰*+*'*•.¸(*•.¸♥¸.•*´)¸.•*'+*✰*+
                    ♥«´¨`°• OBAMA/BIDEN °•´¨`»♥
                                             2008
                      +*✰*.¸.•*(¸.•*´♥`*•.¸)`*•.¸.+*✰*
                      VOTE~VOTE~~VOTE~~VOTE~~VOTE
                    
"Love Will" Ra-Re Valverde (feat. Paul Harder)

Mailbox is filled
Bill collectors wanting a piece
    of my dream
I'm holding on to what's left of me
I just gotta make it
Watching MTV lifestyles
    of the quick and famous
So how do I measure
    what's important to me

Cuz its the little things
Like knowing that somebody
    Needs me
The rest will come in due time
I know its the little things
Like knowing how this love can feed me
   and keep me high!

CHORUS
What happens when love don't pay the bills
How will we get by on the feeling
Who's gonna understand how hard we try
What happens when love don't pay the rent
and all the money's spent
Who's gonna understand the time
I'm telling you        LOVE will

Questioning...
How long will she stay
If my pen don't win
Is reality poverty?
   and if so, should I sign my life away
   to only gain
Pennies and  loose change

Cuz its the little things
Like knowing that somebody
    needs me
The rest will come in due time
I know its the little things
Like knowing how this love can feed me
   and keep me high!

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Love will...
 get by
You will make it by
When we get by on love

We'll get by
We'll make it by
When we get by on love

We'll make it
We'll make it by

CHORUS

Read more »

SL/RL Synthesis Note (21): "The Day *I* Died"

Song of the Moment: "Love's Victory" by Ronnie Laws (lyrics below)

As most of you know, I recently entered my darkest hour. There had been many seasons of darkness before it, but this by far was my deepest test of Truth. You know, at every crossroad, I have tried to examine the paths to understand the lesson and in choosing my direction, always felt *I* had finally turned the last corner...that bliss was just ahead in the distance. What I failed to realize is that on this journey, each crossroad forced a chipping away at a heavy load I have carried for a long time.

In this last stop in the road, there was little left and *I* felt defeated . All that was left, was that which I most used to define my SELF. Surely *I* had done enough…had worked hard and *I* was ready for the reward. However, there was part of me that *I* has defended, shielded and protected that *I* continued to hold onto tightly.

My relationships! ...feeding into them with the expectation that the bliss I sought would be returned....but in this last moment of darkness *I* felt lost... there were no words, no answers...NOTHING and so...

*I* LET GO....

Pain no longer paralyzed me... I let go, willing to accept whatever the consequences might be. And so there I stood, completely naked, dead to everything around me. First the fear reared its head once more and when I realized there was nothing left to lose, an overwhelming feeling of peace came over me.

There is a saying that "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground,... it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." In this last surrender *I* was set free. My dependence on all things external for my sense of well being, self and gratitude GONE.

Beyond this moment? …my friends, love ones, SL family (damn have you all come through) have remained by my side... and all others fallen away. In that "empty" space a new love was created and born of it, more love to give... to receive.

Have I struggled since then? C'mon... YES ... but the experience of "grace" has given those struggles new meaning now. I understand that if I release it, accept it for what it is, and move only when I am able (being still and enjoying what  *can* do in each moment) that my days are less painful and problems... well no need to make "something" out of "nothing" at all.

In the flow.... care to join me (winks)

With overwhelming love,
Acu

"Love's Victory" by Ronnie Laws

Love is...
so good to me
Bring back sweet memories
You help to ease my mind
Such joy, never knew I'd find

I will celebrate love's victory

I feel an eternity
So close as you'll always be
Tears and pain can't get in my way
You gave me a brand new day

I will celebrate love's victory

(Music Interlude)

I will celebrate love's victory

Love is…
so good to me
Bring back sweet memories
You help to ease my mind
Such joy, never knew I'd find

I will celebrate love's victory

Read more »

SL/RL Synthesis Note (20): "What HAPPINESS is NOT..."

Originally Posted: 09/21/2008


Song of the Moment: "If I Need To Move On (Sometimes)" by Ladybug Mecca (lyrics below)

The past couple of weeks have been challenging. Thank you to those closest to me, who have expressed genuine care and concern around my disconnect in SL and RL.  There are times in your life when you have to learn to let go of the old to make room for something new. As persistent as I have been in following the path to something greater than myself, my faith has been tested more in the past month than ever before. A stand off between me and my faith ensued, when I questioned the point of it all. To hell with all this metaphysical, conceive~>believe~>achieve bullshit, I want the red pill to go back to sleep in physical reality and to enjoy the mirage...to feel good damn it! (even if only in temporary spurts) This self-exploration crap is HARD! ...and then in a moment of painful silence, my heart, mind and soul in full chorus yelled "STOP!" ...and so I did...everything, every person, place and thing -- a non issue. I became totally SELFish for a moment... and you know what? It felt great!

The best thing about falling apart, is that you can then chose to pick up only the pieces you want. This pause allowed me to really examine my happiness (or lack thereof). The term is so vague…almost cliché'. People always talk about it, but when you try to nail down exactly what it is that would have it manifest in people's lives, folks never seem to be really certain. For me (and others I suspect), happiness isn't about *not* being sad. Happiness and sadness are the same side of one coin, which is why we can cry even when happy about something. The converse of happiness is BOREDOM, not feeling sad.

My struggle with staying in or leaving SL, for example, is about apathy.  When things are going well in RL, the urge to log on is never as great as when things are going badly. In SL, I can do, be, see ALL the things inaccessible to me in my busy, demanding and sometimes apathetic RL. There is a level of excitement, and anticipation that comes with being immersed here. The relationships are rich with twists and turns that send my adrenaline racing. The experiences allow me to create (and recreate) situations that help validate the possibility of those things I thought fantastic. Acu's formula: If SL =3D Imagination, RL=4D Manifestation.

Step ONE, however, to making this happen... is you…
Understanding your significance, your strength, and power...
    and sometimes you have to carry a load and then lay  it down understand your strength  (and weaknesses). Its our strengths and the pursuit of their development that make life worth living and the weaknesses that keep us connected to one another...for where I am weak and you are strong, in love, we can grow together.  No (wo)man is an island and like pieces of a puzzle we are destined to shift and move toward creating the whole.

Second Life isn't a panacea for happiness... but can be a template for living...find what excites you…makes you feel truly ALIVE (aside from what society has told you). If lived in love and connection... BLISS is yours!

Bless XOXO
Acu

 "If I Need To Move On (Sometimes)" by Ladybug Mecca
 At times we gotta stop
 and smell the cool breeze (yeah)
Gotta slow it down
 and spend time with the seeds
Sometimes we just need to sit still
 and master our breath like a monk in Tibet (well)
Sometimes I feel the need to cry
 to release the fear through my tears (and keep it moving cuz')
I like to travel and I know how to move on
  If I need to move on

CHORUS
Sometimes
You cannot hold onto the river when it flows
   (where it goes, well I just don't know)
There are times in your life
   when you have to learn to let go
   (current of life is so free)
Embrace the experience so you can continue to grow
   (follow the wind to the end of your dreams)
So if your boat rocks, before it docks
you betta still stay in the flow.

Sometimes we gotta listen to that intuition
Break free from the systematic
  ways and habits
Flow like your etheric
and get that leech off your spirit
Like Tina did Ike on Friday night

Sometimes you just need to throw a party
 and celebrate the fact that we're healthy and still here
Time to let your guard down
  find trust in YOURSELF
So you can maintain
 the weight of the world and your wealth
CHORUS

BRIDGE
Drifting away....
   (don't you start)
Drifting away....
   (don't, [don't] start [start])
Drifting, drifting, drifting away

At times you gotta just drink water all day
  go and play in sunrays for pay (hey)
Break the rules and define your destiny
  like the India Arie(s) of today (get what I'm saying [Peace Queen])
Time is of the essence
  well not really 'cuz its of the physical
  and could never be a spiritual
So take the time out, and get into the tune
  while me and Eric Ricco make music from the womb

CHORUS

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (15): "Repression, Depression and Second Life"

Song of the Moment: "You Can't Stop the Rain" by Loose Ends (lyrics below)

Recently I experienced what Chan calls Dejavu-Barzane Syndrome [grin]. One of those days when I felt a rush of emotion and began to question my purpose for being: RL and SL. It’s not the first time since becoming immersed in second life that I've had this experience and it is usually followed by a moment of clarity in thought. I discover something about myself that I had been living, but never fully acknowledged.

When I was growing up, my family had very little. My mother was not always able to give my siblings and I what we needed on many levels, so my grandparents served as mentors and guides. My grandfather, who had lived through many trying times, was adamant that failure was not an option. "Too many people (in the hood) get stuck there, but that won't be the case for you..." was essentially the message he instilled.

I feel fortunate that I succeeded in the way he said I should. Got the degrees, career, marriage, kids, house, cars...the American dream. When I found SL more than a year ago, I had come to a place in my life, that I realized this "dream" I had achieved was not mine. I realized that to achieve this dream, I had never succeeded at finding who I "really" wanted to be. I “had it all” and wasn’t happy. As I moved though life focused on achieving, there was no time to get hung up on sadness, fear, grief. They were distractions I couldn't deal with at the time.

We all repress thoughts, feelings, emotions. Our motivations for doing so (and the degree to which we do so) vary, but we all do it. Repression doesn't make it "go away" however. We store it up to be released at a later time, whether self initiated or spontaneous explosion.

Grief, anger, envy, fear, love... all natural feelings that fall within the polarities of love and fear (the two only true emotions, IMO).  These feelings repressed, tend to manifest themselves anyway…sometimes in ways we did not intend or expect. RL does not always allow us the means to express these emotions fully...but for those of us immersed in SL, on some level we appreciate that here, there are no boundaries. We are free to explore our true selves in a way that allows us to bring all these emotions into expression.

Accepting the significance of Second Life in all that is my life, is an ongoing process. I discover more and more about who I am living part of my life here. The doubts about being here at all?....perhaps my efforts to manifest a struggle which allows me to face emotions I've avoided for a long time.

Never-the-less, the love I feel, which enfolds the fear and pain, is undeniable and it is that which keeps me coming back for more.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination...Enjoying the "trip"


Peace and blessings...
Acu

"You Can't Stop the Rain" by Loose Ends

Seems to me
We're living a fantasy
Walking blind
We forget sometimes
To search beyond
There's no boundary

Bridge
There will come a day when lightening will flash
...and maybe then we'll see
Everything we've known all gone in a flash
Is this our destiny?

Chorus
You can't stop the rain
When it starts to fall
Noone else to blame
You didn't lock that door

There comes a day
When everyone will find
Who they are
So find your heart
Don't ever stop
Its our destiny!

Bridge/Chrous

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (14): "IN LOVE... with my AVATAR!"

Song of the Moment: "Bittersweet" by Siji

What is true love and how do you know you've found it? The fairy tales tell us the prince comes, prepared to rescue a damsel from all her woes and the takes the princess away on a white horse into the sunset. Most of us have outgrown that ideal for love, although the prospect of finding or being a knight in shining armor sounds romantic.

I remember when I first began customizing my avatar, I took special care in choosing her skin, eyes and shape. A true work of art, I thought, when she was finally complete. As she moved through SL, exploring and taking part in things not possible in RL (for many reasons), I found myself wishing I could be "Acu" in RL...free and limitless in what she could do. I remember the first time she wore black latex. How exhilarating!  Outside of SL, however, how guilty were my thoughts to have felt such a thing. After all, that would NEVER be acceptable in my RL social circles. So the battle within began as I confronted all the self-inflicted nonsense [SIN! (wink)] and engaged in an ultimate releasing of self judgment to make way for acceptance! True LOVE...of Acu...of ME! How much easier, was it then, to begin to reject the judgments of others and feel the love ever present surrounding me?

Isn't love more than just the romance in our lives? Sometimes we are so lost in the pain of our romantic relationships and doubts about ourselves that we miss all the other expressions of love around us: friends and family who are there when needed, random acts of kindness we experience as we go through our day (a smile, a returned item we dropped while dazed, a warm "have a nice day" from a stranger) Many of us are willing to give love freely, yet are so resistant or distrustful of the love offered by others. Its difficult to trust and receive from another when we are unwilling to give/receive it from ourselves.

Love is... unconditional, nonjudgmental, acceptance. Romantic relationships help us feel this more intensely and passionately, but this often fades as we feel judgment from our partner or begin to place judgment on ourselves for being or not being something "other" than what we believe we should be.

Does true love exist? Why not ask yourSELF?

With love, peace and blessings...
Acu

"Bittersweet" by Siji
This bittersweet feeling
I have inside
Forbidden
Misleading
I can't deny it

You're gonna go away
and I'm wishfully thinking
You're here to stay
Deep on my thoughts
Girl you stay
Even though I deny it
For you alone I crave

The very arms that hold you close
Said I
Ought to trust and obey

Chorus:
This bittersweet feeling
I have inside
Forbidden
Misleading
I can't deny
This Bittersweet feeling
I can't describe it
So pleasing
Deceiving
Do or Die

Although you are miles away
This joyous feeling
Still remains
The better I stay away
I'll be forever tempted, yeah

Come whatever what may
Yet too great a price to pay

Chorus

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (13): "Innocent until MOVIN' BLISSFULLY"

Song of the Moment: "Miss Q'N" by Zap Mama (lyrics below)

I was talking with one of my four-year-old twins who refused to take off her princess costume for clothes I thought more appropriate for heading out. She told me, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a princess and I'll wear a long Cinderella gown all the time."  I encouraged her pointing out (in a way she understood) that there is nothng in this world you "CAN'T" do although there are some things she "can't yet" do due to physical, social and knowledge limitations. She finally agreed to wear the costume over her clothes. :))

It is curious to me how the innocence of childhood can be so profound. When we were young we believed that anything was possible. As we got older, and became laden with the responsibilities of being an adult and society's push to conform to a "norm" we slowly began to lose that feeling of limitlessness. We lose sight of who it is we feel strongly we want to be...to become. So then begins the process of trying to recapture the bliss of our youth. Our parents/caregivers are the first to set the foundation for our ability to realize these paths. Some of us are placed properly on our journey, but most of us begin far off course. We become engaged in many relationships: peers, teachers, authority figures who "help" us to know that we shouldn't be doing this or that. It is better to "BE" something else...and so we conform.

I have this theory that when each of us is born we have encoded in us, who it is we are to become. A doctor, a priest, a thief, a princess :)) and we are given all the emotional tools to be motivated by these paths and to follow them.  Why do I believe this happens? It is the relationships we have with one another -directly and indirectly- that facilitates our interdependence. We assist each other in realizing our true selves through our experiences with one another. The thief will steal from me and as a result I gain a feeling of appreciation for what I have. When she is caught, she (ideally perhaps) experiences remorse for her actions and its impact on another. These experiences create *life* and facilitate living, versus some grey existance where everything is constant and never changes. There must be contrasts in our experiences to make meaning of our lives and who we are. (The movies "Crash" and "Butterfly Effect" offer great examples of this)

We all want to be happy... to be loved. I think we sometimes fail to recognize that underlying all our thinking, motives, behavior is that one true drive. We tell ourselves all sorts of "things" will give us that. Money, a big house, a relationship...the reality is that those are a means to an end. Happiness...love...resides within. There is no tangible thing that can give it to us. Relationships (and the things we acquire) help us generate a feeling, but it is often fleeting. To access the sustaining feelings of happiness/love within, however, we must become clear about who it is we truly are.

It is interal drives, strong urges that guide us and it is up to us whether we yield to them and enjoy our journey or resist them to conform to something other than that which drives us.  Life is a journey, not a destination...follow your bliss!

In love and light...blessings!
Acu

"Miss Q'N" by Zap Mama

When I was a little child
I dreamed to be a princess
When I tried to be this princess
I dreamed to meet a prince

When I was this princess
I dreamed to be like a queen
When I was this princess
I dreamed to meet a prince

CHORUS
Traveling from the north to the south
Southern stories
South to the east, east to the west
We're all looking for the best
Traveling from the south to the north
Northern Stories
North to the east, east to the west
We're all looking for the best

When I met this prince, I dreamed to be a queen
When I tried to be this queen, I dreamed to meet a king
When I was with this prince, I dreamed to be a queen
When I was this queen, I didn't know what to do with this prince

CHORUS

When I was this queen
Like society tell us to be.
I realize that i was empty.
I was empty inside
When I was this queen
Fooled by corruptive behavior
I realized that I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be me

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