SOUL ON FIRE

For the past few weeks I have been immersed in the process of building a new understanding of my Self in this world. There have been so many changes and negative events pervading our media and psyche that I felt it necessary to delve deeper into my own Mind to find a peaceful space to rest.

Synchronistically, I was invited to join a Black Consciousness group and was reintroduced to the spiritual material that had served, in part, to facilitate my own awakening. I was not prepared for the emergence of old wounds as I re-engaged this learning and sharing with the community.

I think what I am realizing, through new eyes, is that we are all in different places in our spiritual development and path. When I willingly began this journey, I felt so unsure about my beliefs and understanding. Some of the teachings were confusing and contradicted one another but were all espoused as “truth”. I would shame myself for misunderstanding, but never gave up on finding the TRUTH some of which came from religious and spiritual texts I would have NEVER allowed myself to examine prior to “opening the way” for new information. I wanted better answers than I had received through my secondary and college educations, church and mentors.

15 years and LOTS of reading, researching and reintegrating history was useful in allowing me to finally create a space in my mind and heart for the acceptance of things that I was taught we not for me (or rejection of ideas/teachings that I realized were not). Each answer encouraged another question, and answer, and question and so on. Mis-Education disempowers because we tend to believe only what has been proven (someone has done it before) and in the absence of “truth” we do not allow ourselves to believe  we have power to change or create new understand, situations and LIVES. I am never beyond learning, but am beyond arguing facts because I have learned enough to understand where I came from and what I am capable of HERE and NOW in this world which is much more significant to taking ACTION.

As a woman of both African and Native American descent raised in the SouthEast, I was taught that I had little power. The things that felt right for me, intuitively, were described as sinful or blasphemous. The result of choosing to question (without faith) or pursue another path would result in eternal damnation .. Hell Fire, Brimstone. “God forbid” I burn for eternity. I could not fathom the idea and remained in fear.

It has not been an easy journey. It has required a LOT of healing, a LOT of introspection and a LOT of building around the questions I held deep inside. Things just didn’t make sense and I needed to know why.

In the process I learned that

I Am spiritual,
I Am intuitive,
I Am powerful,
I Am magical,
I Am sensual,
I Am the Divine manifested in human form
I Am connected to the Universe in cosmic ways
I Am a GODDESS!

...and the wisdom I have gained in the process can never be taken from me. I work diligently to protect myself from negative energy/ideas/images that reinforce complacency and ignorance. I focus my energy/attention on the things I want to co-create/manifest in this world for myself, my family, my people.

Knowledge of history, “the TRUTH”, of who we have been is the beginning… but WISDOM comes from knowing Who We Are

I have become a Soul On Fire, the embodiment of LOVE and I am ready to be a light unto the world.

Ase.Selah ღ
Acu

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (49): "As Above, So Below

SONG OF THE MOMENT: "Lay Back" by Kwabs

Its been a while since I've written one of these, February 2012 to be exact! Ironically its of the same nature, but a different perspective. I needed to "come out" of my head and get it onto paper... albeit digital.

I’d like to tell a story about pain, choices and learning. Today I was asked to meet with an in-world support group for individuals with a specific disability. They asked that I focus on “depression” and the impact of “wearing a mask” to hide the affects. Its always synchronistic that when I need guidance the most, it comes through service which is why I continue to serve even when I find it very difficult.

Before this meeting, I received a note from a “friend” in-world asking that we end our friendship. I’ll be transparent and admit that I’d allowed myself to become emotionally attached to this person, probably because I saw in him something I felt I needed. I believe that is why we are ever attracted to anyone in this way, as there are endless people we encounter on a daily basis. It is those who with whom we see a reflection of ourselves that seem the “shiniest” amongst all the possibilities. I was willing to accept this disconnection because over time, I had found that I had (in fact) been attracted to my own reflection realizing that with all of the information I share about myself and my ideals, regurgitating it back to me isn’t difficult under the right circumstances.

For all my best efforts as a result of numerous encounters online, I was still able to be allured by words that came at a time when I needed them. I was drawn to the lips that spoke them, even in pixel form. I was finding, however, that the more I began to trust this person, the more I would hear my vulnerabilities in very harsh words and tones as a reprimand for some misunderstanding. It was very subtle initially, almost imperceptible, but grew more as deeper vulnerabilities were shared, in trust, and I became more exposed.

The challenge for me is my effort to bring harm to no one, and to offer closure when I can if I find a relationship is not healthy for me... the blessing and burden of caring enough to avoid someone feeling abandoned. The problem is how I have allowed myself to be sucked into this this circumstance yet again! I have a good RL family and have worked hard to keep them happy, healthy and filled with love. My life is not perfect, however and has been a struggle, especially in recent years.

…I lost my father in 2001 to renal failure, a result of being a 5 time diabetic amputee who would not stop drinking. He was Bipolar, a Narcissist, and womanizer, but he loved me more than anything. He worshiped me and always placed me on a pedestal which created more damage to other relationships around me growing up, than I care to share in this writing.  He was nearly homeless at the time, living in poor conditions, but had made it a home. We were told he had 6 months at my last visit with him. but he died while awaiting transport to my home from another state… a decision that was very difficult for me because of the erosion of our relationship at the time due to his poor habits and resultant health problems. I saw my father in this man. I realize that now...

I lost my Grandfather, suddenly in the Fall of 2013 and of course all of those feelings resurface as I grieved losing the Man who raised me with the values and insights that have allowed me to develop into the person I am today despite my parent’s influences. I miss him and it has been hard. I miss my Dad too. I miss losing the men who meant the most to me. I struggle with losing people I care about... don't we all?

As I spoke to the in-world group about depression we explored the idea that there is a underlying purpose for “living” part of our lives on the grid for “residents” of Second Life. Its more than an escape, but a place to examine how we understand people, function with them, and form relationships.. I have always used “service to others” as my motivation, but I can be honest enough with myself to say there is more to my reason for being here. The apathy that comes with depression is often cloaked with a loss of purpose and having to confront parts of ourselves that have atrophied due to neglect and focus on areas where we are already strong.

Second Life has allowed me to develop aspects of my personality that I could not access otherwise. Beyond the “Caregiver” and “Achiever” where I am the strongest, I have become the “Idealist” and “Peacemaker” My SL relationships have allowed me to dissect the “Helper” and “Loyalist” sides of me as well. I am still developing my ability to be a “Challenger” understanding  it is one of my weakest traits and appreciate that perhaps the relationships and circumstances I have attracted into my life are providing opportunities to be more “willful, confrontational and controlling.” They are skills that require so much diplomacy that I have difficulty gathering the strength to fight and perhaps that is where I need to focus my energy. I am realizing that the idea that “fighting” may hurt others, dismisses the hurt others may be causing me. Sometimes its easier to be alone, than to risk the miscommunication and misperceptions that real engagement inevitability causes.

I am ready to move on, however, and if it is "power" that is needed now, so be it. I pray for the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wish me luck!

In Love,
Acu ღ

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Falling In Love with Potential (repost)

Thank you Paul for writing such a brief but poignet message (and Thanks N'Delamiko for posting this to your feed. This message seems to be a recurring theme this month. 

"So often I see good-willed people focus much of their energy on attempting to “rescue” or “upgrade” their partner. They give unreciprocated time, love, money, energy, and advice. I’m sure you know someone doing this right now. If so, do them a favor and have a good Come-To-Jesus talk with them. The truth is they’re not in a relationship, they’re working on a science project. They haven’t fallen in love with the man/woman, they have actually fallen in love with the “ideal” of the man/woman. This is dangerous, simply because often times the “ideal” is never realized." Paul Brunson

Clearly the Divine is ready for us to hear this... ♥

Read the rest of the post here. 

Namaste' <3

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Unconditional Love and Respect

I am FEELING this dude right here. I truly do love each person UNCONDITIONALLY and try my best to see past other's pain to hold a sacred space for those in need, BUT I agree with NYOIL's perspective on this one...Meeeh about 95% (I'd love to debate him [chuckles])

This is REAL TALK, take what is useful to you and leave the rest...

NYOIL tends to be a bit self righteous on the front end. To skip to the good stuff click this youtube link ... His profound affirmation (below) starts the discussion... ♥

_______________________________________

"I will not love you "No Matter What"
I will not support you "No matter what"
I will not stand by you "No matter what"
I will not love you unconditionally
I will not always believe in you

I have expectations of you. I'm not part of your life .. to watch you [Screw] it up in front of me. I'm not here for you to take advantage of my heart or my good spirit. I'm not here to cosign bullshit behavior and tolerate it because of our relationship

hell no.

I'm here to see you WIN.. I'm here to see greatness, I'm here to see HONOR and COMMITMENT I'm here for the YOU that YOU CAN BE.

I aint here to [mess] around.. and play games while you figure shit out.. find someone else for that.
If you're in my life.. then you're at the NEXT LEVEL OF THE GAME.. the part that expects something out of you.. and if you can't live up to it.. then step the [hell] off.

I makes no pledges with Bullshit artist and [ignorant] fools.

You are either BOUT THIS [THING].. or you are not.

Now what's it gonna be!" ~NYOIL

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A Goddess...

A Goddess...

is a woman who emerges from deep within herself. She is a woman who has honestly explored her darkness and learned to celebrate her light. She is a woman who is able to fall in love with the magnificent possibilities within her. She is a woman who knows of the magic and mysterious places inside her, the sacred places that can nurture her soul and make her whole. She is a woman who radiates light. She is magnetic. She walks into a room and male and female alike feel her presence. She has power and softness at the same time.

She has powerful sexual energy that's not dependent on physical looks. She has a body that she adores and it shows by the way she comfortably lives and moves in it. She cherishes beauty, light and love. She is a mother to all children. She flows with life in effortless grace. She can heal with a look or a touch of the hand. She is fiercely sensual and fearlessly erotic and engages in sex as her way to share with another in touching the divine. She is compassion and wisdom. She is seeker of Truth and cares deeply about something bigger than herself.

She is a woman who knows that her purpose in life is to reach higher and rule with love. She is woman in love with love. She knows that joy is her destiny and embracing it and sharing it with others to heal wounds.

She is a woman who has come to know that her partner is as tender, lost, and frightened as she has been at times. She has come to understand the scars of the boy in him and knows that together, love can be the relief, the healing of their wounds.

She is a woman who can accept herself as she is. She can accept another as they are. She is able to forgive her mistakes and not feel threatened by another's even when attacked. She is a woman who can ask for help when she needs it or give help when asked. She respects boundaries, hers and another's. She can see God in another's eyes. She can see God in her own. She can see God in every life situation. She is woman who takes responsibility for everything she creates in her life. She is a woman who is totally supportive and giving.

She is a Goddess"...♥"

Listen... 
Raheen DeVaughn - "Woman"

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (48): "Life Is Worth Living"

The news of the Death of Don Cornelius by suicide came as a real shock to me. Contemplating how a man who seemingly had it all, ...wealth, fame, legacy… could not find happiness or understand his value and purpose enough to feel the value of LIFE opens the way to consider what we make priority.

Its caused me to reflect deeply on my relationships in Life, first and second and the number of people I encounter who are hurting so deeply, although wearing a fearless mask, and are struggling to find their value and purpose too.

Life is complicated, and people never change when things are going well. Our world is filled with messages that encourage our fears and sometimes we get stuck because we worry that we will make a mistake, or there is nothing better.

There is always something better, when you are not happy.

ALWAYS!

However, sometimes in the grand “role play” that is living, we have to experience discomfort in what is familiar to discover something new…something greater…than we knew existed in our current understanding. Pain is part of Joy. Hate is part of Love. One could not exist without the other. To live in FEARLESS emotion is to understand that the obstacles in our lives are TRULY opportunities to learn something new, to grow in understanding...to have faith. Giving up should never be an option, because more often than not, around the corner is the bliss we feel is eluding us.

I pray that Don is now at peace and that the family he leaves behind is able to move through this pain now imposed upon their lives in a way that helps illuminate their true purpose…. It certainly has for me…

You are beautiful, you have value, your life has a purpose

…and if no one has told you today, I love you!

In peace,

Acu

p.s. I wrote the attached poem in honor of Don and all of us who have struggled and may be struggling. Live life in fearless emotion. LIVE LIFE in FEARLESS EMOTION… God bless XO

http://acuminousone.blogspot.com/2012/02/living-in-fearless-emotion-poem.html

Don Cornelius Dead: 'Soul Train' Host And Creator Dies After Apparent Suicide

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Living In Fearless Emotion (a poem)

Living In Fearless Emotion

Born from Divine Oneness

Seeking destiny

Human flesh makes tangible

Infinity…

The reality of life

And its guarantee

Is that each day

Will be filled with uncertainty

Sometimes we laugh

Sometimes we cry

Living In Fearless Emotion

We wonder “why?”

Every tear, on each face

Tastes the same

Doesn’t matter the difference

In color, place or name

Life’s test is to question

The things that we see

Although born from perfection

We’re part of life’s impurity

Divinely chosen existence

We experience vibration

hurt, joy, fear, pain

Live to feel each sensation

Walk life’s journey as our body grows old

Become Peace by piece

Mind

Body

Soul

© Acuminous Watanabe (2012)

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (46): “Auld Lang Syne” Welcome 2012!

The song "Auld Lang Syne" has come a long way from its Scottish roots and is roughly translated as "old long since", or “for (the sake of) old times.”

Singing it as we bring in the New Year should remind us that times and experience past are good indicators to us of what things we should seek or avoid as we begin again, renewing another year.

Accepting change is probably one of life’s most difficult tasks. Even positive change sometimes produces in us feelings of grief and regret. However, it is the contrast of experiencing something new that allows us to grow …EVOLVE!...in heart, mind and spirit.

There have been things in my Second Life that no matter how many times I have thought, said, and believed that I let go, the memories always bring me back to where it felt I had begun. What I am appreciating NOW, is that it is the memories of the “joy and bliss” that keep me wanting. Each return, however, has provided a new opportunity to look back and review what had previously been a faulty understanding and allowed me to view it through a new, more enlightened lens. It is what forgiveness and healing look like in action.

"Mending a Broken Heart" by LaffyTaff247

The lyrics to this traditional song have new meaning for me as I enter the New Year. I am willing to accept the grief that comes with the loss of something…someone so dear to the heart you believe you can never move on. I resolve to find focus and contentment in connecting to the best and brightest in myself. I invite you to join me and let your light shine!

And should old acquaintances be forgot, and never brought to mind?

Of course not.

Keep old friends near, hold on to the pleasure of joyful memories of love, and allow them both to help you through the changes in your life that will produce miracles.

Peace and many blessings in 2012

Always and All Ways (RMD)

I Love You

Happy New Year! :)

Acu

Auld Lang Syne

(Downtempo Remix by Rex Kalibur)

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,

and never thought upon;


The flames of Love extinguished,


and fully past and gone:


Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,


that loving Breast of thine;


That thou canst never once reflect
on

Old long syne.

CHORUS:

On Old long syne my Jo,

in Old long syne,

That thou canst never once reflect,

on Old long syne.

My Heart is ravisht with delight,

when thee I think upon;


All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight,


and speedily is gone;


The bright resemblance of thy Face,


so fills this, Heart of mine;


That Force nor Fate can me displease,
for Old long syne.

CHORUS

Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief,


when from thee I am gone;


will not thy presence yield relief,


to this sad Heart of mine:


Why doth thy presence me defeat,


with excellence divine?


Especially when I reflect
on Old long syne

CHORUS

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The "Meet" Market (Synthesis Note [44])

I was having a conversation recently with an SL resident who was essentially saying that she does not understand why people take relationships in Second Life so seriously. Her relationship in world is strictly sexual as she enjoys the delights of intellectual dialogue and the excitement that is experienced when another person describes in great detail the way the sexual fantasy makes them feel in the tangible world. She appreciates living her SL without the messy details of being in a committed relationship. She firmly declared “Its role play, not Match.com!

I don’t know that I agree with that. When newcomers to the grid visit the Second Life website, they are greeted by a video montage that includes a virtual couple enjoying a romantic date together that ends with them embracing at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I would say Linden Labs is on board with the idea that sex sells and people are coming to SL for more than business meetings or combat role play. 2010 statistics indicate that 17% of all partners who got married in the past year met over the internet. That’s A LOT of couples. Its par for the course that some of that match making would have occurred on gaming platforms.

Unlike sites like “Match.com” Second Life offers two things 1) the ability to create yourself in your grandest vision and to “live” within that ideal; and 2) the ability to remain completely anonymous while actively engaging others socially. Unlike other virtual gaming platforms, it is strictly a social grid. No levels to achieve, no PVPing or battles to win. Although it may not always be the intention of people visiting SL to fall in love “with an avatar,” It happens thousands of times a day. Its hard to resist being pursued in your perfection and having the ideal you’ve held in mind and translated digitally, be validated by another person. Even better, it allows someone to really get to know YOU, appreciating that most people accept that the human behind the screen is not likely to be an identical match to his or her avatar.

The tricky part is being open enough with your partner to be clear about expectations of the relationship...because as my counterpart asserted, for her SL is for role play, not a true love connection. If you find yourself looking for that, and are not clear that it is role play for your partner, you are inevitably set up for heartbreak and lots of disappointment.

The key is going into relationships with your eyes WIDE open and to have expectations CLEAR in your mind…clear enough that you can convey them to another person and clear enough that you can excuse yourself from potential relationships that do not meet that. After all, if you ARE seeking a love connection in a virtual world there are many MANY possibilities, and why settle or take time and opportunity away from the person you truly desire? It is unfair to blame someone else for your disappointment if you failed to inquire about another person’s expectations or worse, never communicated your own.

The diversity of Second Life extends beyond anything we can experience in the tangible world, which in some ways may make it seem more appealing than life lived amongst the breathing. Any ideal you fantasize about for yourself or a partner, assuredly exists. As you explore all the possibilities, don’t lose touch with who you truly are, and that which will bring both lives happiness and fulfillment. In short, don’t become “meat” in the market. (grin)

Love, peace and blessings XO

Acu

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"Keep It Moving" (a poem)

He comes in the night

She draws back her curtain

His words are convincing

Still she feels uncertain

He says "No drama"

and has no shame

"Don't hate the player

Hate the game.."

What she does not see 

Behind the screen

A human typist

and low self esteem

His ego is grand

When his face is hidden

and he'll go to places

That were once forbidden

His philosphy of life

Reveals his true weakness

His time in life spent

With little achievement

His friends list revealed

He reads like a book

If she is fast and easy

He drops the hook

but a Man, proudly certain

will sets his sights high

and will not settle

for a quickly raised thigh

Great effort produces

The highest aquisition

His desire aroused

By his soul's intuition

To conquer the woman

He most admires

Affirms to his soul

Worth of all he aspires

Perhaps in time

He will know his value

Look for depth in his life

and the Love he is due

Until then he'll continue

The pseudo expert of seduction

With the women in his path 

Victims of his destruction

Take heed willing lady

If His worth is left unproven

Save yourself the heartbreak

and  tell him... "keep it moving..."

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (43): Finding Satisfaction

Someone once told me, when a person is showing (or telling) you who they truly are, you need to listen. In a world of fantasy, where we are seeking connection to something other than what we what we are used to, the line between what is real and what is only in our mind is blurred. Its like living in a lucid dream where things seem real, but aren’t quite right …and that “not right-ness” is what helps us to remember we are dreaming. Sometimes we want something so badly, that we shape this reality into something it is not, as though trying to carve an idol from papier-mâché’. It may stand up initially; however, as it is exposed... the fragile nature of its consistency reveals its true durability and begins to rip and fade away unable to withstand the harsh reality of time. Even in a place where your reality is seemingly validated, because there are "others” there with you living, dreaming, experiencing at the same time, it is still our ideas and perceptions that shape what that is for us. …and sometimes it seems so real, so palpable that we believe in it so deeply... with hope it IS real, despite the “not right-ness” that is there to remind us.

If you want to believe in something, believe in your Self. If you need to trust in someone, trust your Self. If you want to be loved by someone, love your Self. It is the one thing in the universe you can be certain of. Self is real, true, tangible, magnificent and with you always. Self will not hurt you, abandon you, lie to you, take advantage of you.  Perceptions are not real. Ideas are not real. It is only what you allow those thoughts to manifest in your life that give them life. What is it you are bringing to life? or what previous life are you resurrecting? What is manifesting in your life? 

Is what you are carving durable enough to withstand the reality to which you must return?

"Singed" (a poem) 

…Waking Up…

Acu

XOXO

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...Singed... (a poem)

Broken wings

Cause my unrest

Ever lower

Forever falling

…Fearfully

Resting upon Infinite Ocean

Drifting upon the waves

In the darkness

The tides carry me

…Aimlessly

Each day a stagnant shifting

Watching tides wash ashore

No storm in these waters

So quiet their turning stale

…Agony

Though water abound

My thirst unquenched

I am restless

I am sinking

…Slowly

And then he arrives

He is the sun

Vibrant and hot…forbidden

Rays caressing each crest

Drawing his light

…Upon Me

As he fades into the dark

The night brings cold

Darkness replaces his warmth

Thoughts of his heat

…Ecstasy

The ache boils over me

Brings new life to these wings

The attention gives new meaning

…To each day

Here

Where I slowly stir the water

And every day is the same

Now

I am warm, I am wet

Didn’t know it could be

..this way

Thrashing about,

The waters swell

Thick with current

I feel my Self moving

Stirring about

Boiling

“I am yours.”

…I say

Wings spread eagle

And when he rises

His rays like fire

I am drawn into him

…Willingly

The attention keeps me

Hanging on each day

Each wound cauterized

Each ember authorized

I cling to him

…feebly

It is a dance

Forbidden

Fire against Water

Against Fire

Evaporate … condensate

Into tears

…repeatedly

Ascertain my wings are singed

Playing with fire, burned by sin

Become still and I let go

and I Am

Set Free…

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"Thirst" (a poem)

What is it that I want from him

I question over and over again

I know I’m not the only one

And we agreed “its just for fun”

But this now is more than just play

I fell for him and lost my way

Forgot of what I’m truly made

And watched my inhibitions fade

Not knowing what I truly seek

I got caught up and in too deep

My heart’s desire to be his choice

Although this need I could not voice

I feared that he would turn away

Bound by my flesh, asked him to stay

He learned my needs and met them well

The longing in my chest he’d quell

As long as I could wait my turn

He’s not the first, I’ll never learn

What is it that I want from him

I question over and over again

I thirst for love, hunger for peace

He fills the void, the aching ceased

Then I awake, realize he’s gone

The ache returns, for him I long

I wait in pain for his return

Pray for the peace my heart doth yearn

In comes the echo, “you’re not the only one..

...and you agreed 'its just for fun'”

Then from inside a 

...Still

...Small 

...Voice

Speaks into me “you have a choice!”

My mind now quieted by the Love I seek

Open my heart as it continues to  speak

"You've done this before, haven't you learned

You are gift that should be earned?'

You must be still and you will know"

and in the silence, I let him go

Replaced by a love like no other

My love of Self, not from another

An endless stream to quench my thirst

Constant reminder of who comes first...

   …Be Still and Know I Am…

...and she was warned...a year in 6 minutes or less...

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (42): "Going Home"

I can’t sleep. Its 5:30AM and my mind is racing so I decided I might as well get up. I have been restless since yesterday. I met someone, a very nice person who is reengaging after having left Second Life a few years ago. He had deleted his avatar at that time, appreciating that he “had to” because his “real life” depended upon it. Pretty drastic, but not unusual. Like so many others, the allure of this place called to him again and he is back, ready for a second round of immersion in this virtual space.

I meet lots of people, on regular basis. It’s one aspect of Second Life that I truly enjoy. I love people, and when I found the grid, I was at a point in my life when I had all but completely closed myself off to the world, relationally. I had begun to isolate myself having felt betrayed, unappreciated, unvalued….unloved.

Second Life seemed like Heaven. I could be anyone I wanted to be and hide behind my avatar. This prospect was exhilarating, because I’d lead such a “vanilla, appropriate, socially acceptable” life. I loved the idea of being and doing something else. Over the course of 2 years, I proceeded to explore every possible curiosity to include the darker, more repressed aspects of myself. I’d done the whole “squeaky clean thing” and my existence boiled to a head with me feeling like my life had no meaning. Over and over I met with my understanding about life and myself crossing new ideas and perceptions that challenged my understanding about what was good, bad, real or unreal. I became frustrated about some of those crossroads deciding that those who had guided me were delusive and had left out some really important stuff. I began to realize, everything that I understood as “bad” was not…only subjectively evaluated as such… although some things still, I decided really WERE bad *for me* but not necessarily for all.

I’ve formed some very intense relationships as a result of my life on the grid. Challenging judgments opened the way for me to allow people into my life, I might have avoided in the tangible world. Relationships are TREMENDOUSLY important in this process because it allows us to actually “test” these ideas about “being” via the reactions, experiences and connections we create with others while in this new skin. All relationships, of various kinds are important and we are drawn to them, in an almost hypnotic way, sometimes seeking the same painful experiences over and over trying to make sense of this urging we feel.

..and then in 2009, the wall came crumbling down and I realized that my second life was seeping into my first one and my core was rocked in a way, I can not explain. So I began asking different questions, and looking for others who felt the same. I needed to know I was not loosing my mind and that someone else knew exactly what it was I was talking about. …and a group of 500 members; a friends list of over 700 and nearly 100 live discussions later I realized this experience is prevalent and calling to many MANY people as technology and social networking evolves the way people of the world relate to one another.

People come to Second Life for a myriad of reasons…business, education, research…There is a special population of us, however, who are here to discover who we truly are. We are the residents… generally people who heard about Second Life somewhere in the media or via recounts of another resident fully immersed and were so intrigued by what we heard that we came to see for ourselves…and moved in.

As I reflect, I have redefined my understand of “purgatory” the place in Dante’s “Divine Comedy” between hell and paradise where the souls “purge” their thoughts and ideas about themselves and the way they lived their life. Most say it’s a place of punishment… but a deeper understanding reveals it is a place of purification… where a “burning off” of these thoughts allows the soul to become “free and pure” of those ideas that no longer serve it and over time guides the soul toward paradise…and paradise isn’t even “Heaven” the mystical place of golden streets and angels, eternal peace…as most religions describe… it is Eden… a place on EARTH where the soul continues its ascension toward something all encompassing but with a more “serving and meaningful” existence on the next plane.

This is the soul’s journey… one that happens for everyone over the course of a lifetime. The Internet, social networking and especially virtual worlds have provided a space where this process of liberation happens at a tremendously hyper rate… it is unprecedented…we are connecting, growing and exploring in a way never seen before.

I don’t know where this journey is leading me now, there is a new longing in my chest that is urging me to ask, and I wait patiently for an answer. Under every challenge is an opportunity to ask… the really hard question, and find redemption and release in the answer.

In less than a week I will be 40….40 years in the wilderness…I am asking…and praying for a renewal of my mind…and a place in Paradise.

Peace and blessings XO

Acu

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (41): "Fall ...In Love"

Song of the Moment: “Fall In Love With Me” by Earth, Wind & Fire

Lyrics & Youtube Link below

I am crying as I write this note to you, but promise that I am smiling. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU and THANK YOU again for all of you who have contacted me directly, or indirectly with loving sentiments and energy to offer support during my grief.

::pauses to catch her breath again and to allow the feelings to flow::

For the past month, I have been so grief stricken, down on myself, and feeling the pain of love lost. I have been diligently searching my feelings inventory for the script for deleting the pain of love. Despite the constant support of friends and family, I have been so focused on feeling trapped by the closed door in front of me that I’ve all but ignored many open windows around me. I’ve felt scared and afraid to love again, placing distance between me and the opportunity to be healed by everything else offering hope and promise of freedom from my grief.

Last night, I finally remembered a string of previous experiences that matched my current level of distress perfectly. In each case I realized that I loved those people HARD, like I love all people… but the difference was that they walked away from that love. Each of them, I believe, had never experienced such unconditional and genuine love and intense expressions of those feelings, as I tend to provide. For me, LOVE is always the answer.. it is always, always, ALWAYS the answer and so through it all I will love you. I will always love you, although sometimes forgiveness is required to maintain that love.

I have been hiding out, holding myself back, unsure if I can handle loving like that again. It hurts… a lot! ..but I reflected back again and realized that each of those painful experiences allowed me to grow. Each time, each person came back.. and helped me to know that I was a good person, and helped them in some way during our time together. I appreciated how they had helped me too, because I realized that the only motivator for change and growth in ones life is for something to go “wrong” (even if only perceptually so) otherwise, why would we WANT to change course in our lives.

Thank you for helping me to know, through your words and encouragement, that somehow I have touched some of you. I am eternally grateful that in return, so many of you rallied around me to help me to know I am loved reinforcing my belief in interdependence and reciprocal love and connectedness.

I heard the Song of the Moment this morning on my way home from dropping the kids off to school. I have been chanting the refrain “I can pick you up turn your life around, if you fall in love with me…” over and over.  There is also a lyric in the song that says “In love with me, find yourself a part of me… …In love with me help yourself to all of me”

I am in love with you… each of you… falling…

Love is the answer… ALWAYS the answer… I don’t have to be afraid… I can FALL in LOVE with you… and you with me! :D

::/me JUMPS...floats ...and smiles::

Forever and Ever… I love you XO

Acu

“Fall In Love With Me” by Earth, Wind & Fire

Listen via Youtube Here!

I can tell you that love

Is too deep to be played on

Down the line, you'd find

Time would reveal who to count on

I'm well inclined to use the lines

That comes from the learning tree

Let the seed that grows, and ages old

Give us our destiny

Baby, you know, I could pick you up

Turn your life around

If you fall in love with me

I would build you up, never let you down

If you fall in love with me

If you're having second thoughts from the past

I can cool you out

I've been there before, right down to the core

I can sing and shout

I can't hold back what I feel

I bring experience

I'll be your rock when Gibraltar falls

Baby, give me a cause

Baby, you know, I could pick you up

Turn your life around

If you fall in love with me

I would build you up, never let you down

If you fall in love with me

Baby, in love with me, find yourself a part of me

Baby, in love with me, help yourself to all of me

I've got your number and I wanna shout

I dig you baby, come and check me out

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (40): "Surviving Hell's Fire"

Song of the Moment: “Thankful” by Meshell N‘degeocello

(Lyrics and Youtube Link Below)

There is a lyric from a favorite song of mine that says "…And hellfire's a promise away I'd still be saying…I'm still in love” The song is about a man who is in love with a woman who is already taken by another man. He sings of the joy this woman brings, but also expresses his tortured frustration that the “hands of fate” did not allow them to find each other first. He acknowledges that he knows this relationship is doomed, hence “hell’s fire”, but he is willing to risk it, to be with her, even if just for this time. Pretty romantic stuff…

I will probably get some flack, for saying this, but in my own spiritual belief, I don’t define Hell (or Heaven for that matter) as a place, but rather a state of being at various points in our lifetime. Hell is the consequence for SIN which I believe stands for “self inflicted nonsense” since being in hell is a personal experience based upon what I am thinking, doing and feeling. One of my favorite classic writings is Dante’s epic poem “The Divine Comedy”. The cantos from this work are often falsely attributed to the bible and used to “shame” practitioners away from certain behaviors. It should more accurately be seen as an allegory of the soul's journey towards God, or “Divine Peace”. The “Divine Comedy” is given credit for Christianity’s understanding of hell, purgatory and the seven deadly sins (or 7 roots of sinfulness). The origins can be traced back much farther than that…but that’s another note…. Anyway, purgatory is described as the place between heaven and hell where we are stuck in the “mind” of  sin… the place where thoughts lead to the actions which promise to bring us to Hell’s fire or deliver us into Heaven.

I have toyed with the idea of Second Life as my own purgatory. In the last few months, I have lost 3 people in SL who were very close and dear to me. The most devastating was very recent, (and probably the best for both of us), but is tremendously painful to grieve. Last night, I encountered this person off the grid, accidentally, and was devastated that I wasn’t even acknowledged. There were no words exchanged, (other than my genuine greeting and expression of love), so after the silence I was left only with my thoughts about what that lack of acknowledgement meant. I could have decided, it was a technical issue, but instead, I completely tanked resulting in an hour or so of grief stricken sorrow and self-doubt. It was hell… you can’t tell me that was not hell, although it was absent of the fire and brimstone I’d heard so much about in Sunday school. When I tried to decide what SINs I had committed (my mind to), I decided gluttony (over indulgence of anything to the point of waste) and sloth (failure to utilize one's talents and gifts) continue to keep me in this Hell like state.

I was initially attracted to Second Life for the social richness relationships provide here. The grid gives me access to people of different cultures, beliefs, lifestyles, ways of being, thinking and feelings that add to my experience in both lives when shared. The love, passion and grief developing those relationships offer me are unparalleled. However, being in two places at once has its benefits and consequences.

Freedom (and deliverance) from my Self Inflicted Nonsense, according to the poem, is marked by joy, courtesy, and service. Although Second life provides opportunities for all of these, the balance between gluttony and sloth versus temperance and diligence are challenging ones for me. It is EXCESS that turns something beautiful into something perverted and SIN-FULL. Balance will deliver me. I help HARD, I grieve HARD, I love HARD, as anyone who is close to me will attest too. I am so busy giving, though, that I am left empty, spent, feeling used…and wrapped in SIN.

It is equilibrium that I seek, faithful that it will provide space for me to RECEIVE in a reciprocal way so that all my relationships are able to grow in a healthy way. The feelings of happiness, disappointment, pleasure and pain that allow me to EXPERIECE life, in a way I never could in ONE place…country, state, city, neighborhood, house…and so more quickly than ever before, when “the student is ready, a teacher will arrive.” If the lesson is patience, he will force me to wait; if the lesson is faith she will leave me so that I am left wanting; if the lesson is peace, he will tear my world apart so that I am left only with those pieces that continue to serve me, allowing me to let go of those that don’t any longer. Relationships allow me to LIVE these ideals, to feel them, understand them and make use of these states of being in a way I could not learn, any other way.

As I grow, I endeavor to be grounded in reality, …but liberated virtually!

With Love XO

Acu

“Thankful” by Meshell N‘degeocello

Listen via YouTube HERE :-)

just wanna be happy

mother&*©#ers like fancy things

big houses,

big cars,

like movie stars

gotta have everything

numb myself to the suffering

just wanna be happy

and thankful

not just

try to get through

just wanna be happy,

thankful

not just

try to get through

should i lie

should i cheat

turn on my tv

tell me what i want,

what i need

i lose my faith sometimes

i lose my faith sometimes, yeah

so much suffering for

fancy cars,

big houses,

everything

i lose my faith sometimes

i lose my faith sometimes, yeah

just want to be happy

and thankful

not just

try to get through

just want to be happy

and thankful

just want to be happy

and thankful

try to get through

you're all i need

lay your burden down

ease my sadness

you're all i need

i lose my faith sometimes

i lose faith sometimes

just trying to get through

i lose faith sometimes

you're all i need

lay your burden down

i lose faith sometimes

you're all i need

i'm thankful

that i feel you

ease your sadness

you're all i need

lay your burden down

ease my sadness

you're all i need

lay my burden down

i laid my burden down.

Free Yale University Video Course on the Divine Comedy can be viewed here!

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Synthesis Note (35): "All The Beauty"

Song of the Moment: "All the Beauty" by Donn

Once upon a time there a there was a beautiful avatar named (your name here).  She  (or your correct gender) was perfect in the eyes of her maker and was created at the perfect time, in the perfect place with all the tools she would need to fulfill her (second) life purpose. She would bring experience to her maker (in first life) which could not be had without her existence and she would function "as" her creator (in avatar form) in this new world to fulfill this purpose and ultimately allow them both to grow.

As she explored this strange world, she was curious and inquisitive, enjoying the beauty and mystery of this place, which seemed made just for her. She then began to encounter other avatars of all colors, shapes and sizes. She was intrigued by all of the experiences she had and in time began to question her self image. She began to change her appearance, ways of living and being to fit in, to feel accepted and to try to meet their (perceived) expectations of her. She is socially successful with many friends, but begins to feel less whole as she juggles the new images she creates for them.

Eventually, she fell in love with another avatar who found her quite beautiful even though she no longer thought this of herself. This pleased and then later frightened her because she had never experienced feelings like this before and had forgotten how perfect she was in the eyes of her maker at the time of her creation. You see, he was perfect (as was she) and she could see this clearly. She felt unworthy of all that he had to offer her and so, she began to shape herself into what she believed would match his perfection. These changes confused her partner and in time she was no longer the avatar he fell in love with and they grew apart.

…so "as above so below" ...and the story goes in second life as in the first life... innocence lost... she’d forgotten her perfection moving from avatar to avatar, relationship to relationship searching for that which she felt would make her whole again….

Will our protagonist fulfill the purpose designed by her maker? Will they synthesize these experiences and grow as one?

......stay tuned....

NOTE To The Reader (grin): What governs each of us is our own self image…that is, how we SEE ourselves. Even in our most perfect form, we find that that which we seek eludes us if we cannot love and accept ourselves in the same way we seek that acceptance from others. We don’t consider that those things we see as flaws, may be just the perfection another is seeking. “I am” is the most power phrase ever spoken. Whatever follows it, …you become. If you want new experiences you have to see yourself differently. Change your inner image and perceptions…transform your LIFE.

Finding peace in pieces…
Acu

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