Sunday, December 6, 2009

Synthesis Note (33): "Starting Over"

Song of the Moment: “Winter Wind” by Jose James

As I reflect on the holiday season, I contemplate the year coming to a close and all the blessings in my life. I am grateful for my friends, family and experiences both in RL and SL. I am grateful for my health and for the opportunity to serve… to love…to help and be helped through the care and support of others. I am grateful for the spirit of giving that this time of year seems to inspire in us, and for my own desire to be open and receptive to receiving from others that which they give in love. There is no gift greater than love with “forgiveness” serving as a close second.

2009 has been a quite a ride for me. Some say that nine, being the last simple number, is the number of finalization. I look forward to 2010 as a new beginning… an opportunity to start over, again… to let go of those things in my life that no longer serve me to make room for those things that I truly desire. I enter the New Year with the mantra 'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'  I appreciate that to mature emotionally… to develop a new skill, I must bring that experience into my life. If I ask for more patience, I will expect to manifest more opportunities that will challenge my patience knowing that each time I push myself to remain peaceful in those situations, the more patient I will become. When I ask to be better able to forgive, I will then embrace those opportunities which present themselves where I would ask for forgiveness so that I am better able to understand why being willing to forgive is necessary.

In 2009, I fell deeply, as more than once my heart and my “peace” were broken followed by a time of reflection and renewal …each time picking up only the “piece” I wanted. In 2010, I will RE-member the parts of me that have been broken and “PEACE” them lovingly together to form a new Me, a perfect whole, to live and love without fear…Living up to my grandest vision, leaving behind the need to live up to the image created for me by others.

I remind myself of a favorite joke “ the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, the same way and expecting a different result.”

I am ready for a new beginning… are you?

May 2010 bring your heart joy like you have never known…

With peace and love,

Friday, December 4, 2009

Relationships Are Like Glass (Synthesis Note [32])

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it is better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown

Today I want to remind you that you are whole, perfect and worthy just the way you are. You are loved and appreciated, but sometimes we seek acknowledgement for that from someone beyond a door that has closed despite that fact that there are open windows all around.

Melodie Beattie said “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

I am grateful for the blessings of my first life.

I am grateful for the blessings of my second life

I am grateful for my relationships in both lives and connecting with people who are as open and willing to provide me love, support and guidance, as I am to provide it for others.

I am grateful for the ability to forgive and for the understanding that if I am unwilling to forgive, how could I ask others to forgive those transgressions *I* have committed? It has to start somewhere...

I am grateful for those who have forgiven me, in honor of our love and connection.

If noone has told you today, I want you to know that *I* love you, *I*  appreciate you and feel so grateful that you share your second life with me ...and each other.

We are here for you … just beyond the window pane (and pain)…

SEE US? (waves & smiles)

Bless XOXO

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

God is NOT Religious (Synthesis Note [31])

Song of the Moment: “God Speed” by Raheem DeVaughn (lyrics below)

God is NOT Religious

Let me start off by saying that I define God as the experience of something greater than yourself. For some it is a being or deity, for others it is energy (or the force that animates our human bodies...controls our heart rate and breath, or guides the weather and waters). Call this “experience” what you will, but we all must accept that there are aspects of our lives that are beyond our control and influence and for the purpose of this note (and understanding) I will call that “God”

I decided to write this note after a conversation I had with someone who responded to my announcement of the start of a series of small groups I’ll be running with emphasis on building relationships through connecting spiritual understanding. I was careful with my use of the word “God” because for some it creates a barrier to anything else you say beyond that. I empathize with that stance as I was raised with an old school Southern Baptist religious philosophy and was overworked with messages that God was vengeful, that I was BORN in “sin,”  that I had little control over my life, and I need to frequently ask for forgiveness for my actions. Asking forgiveness would most certainly absolved me of these sins, although I may have gone right back to doing what I wasn’t supposed too.  I had a “get out of jail free” card anyway… just ask for forgiveness and forget about it!

As I got older and began to ask questions about this (and many other aspects of church and religion), I was disappointed and frustrated with the responses I was given. Like most other things kids are told, I was expected to just “do it because I said so.”  Now, I appreciate that sometimes parents must say this because kids have a limited realm of experience and understanding, and some things you just can’t explain in a way they will understand until they get older. When they ARE old enough, however, a logical answer should be given if you hope to have them embrace your values as their own…and in my RL work I tell parents all the time... "If you can’t give them a logical answer for why it is important, then why are you doing it? Perhaps a reevaluation of where that value came from and how it is useful is in order."

Religion, unlike spirituality (or God), is not typically like this. Religion is not about God, it is about humans trying to understand the world, the universe we live in and make sense of it. It is man creating rules to govern, theoretically, having a better life. Religion takes these unknown quantities and puts an affirmative stand on them as if they are true. In essence, man has set up a system, attributes the system to God and then says “do not question me.” Don’t misunderstand me, I think that religion can be a wonderful guide for people who are seeking more fulfilling lives. It is the stance that any one religion is the one true way, that rattles my chains, because we are all different, have different levels of understanding and different ways  of interacting with each other and the universe. A path which might prove tremendously rewarding for one person, may only confuse and bewilder another because of his/her cultural awareness and background.

I liken God to a larger than life sized tree and each religion discovered the tree at various points along its length and set up shop there. The folks at the roots when describing God would say its dark and deep beneath the earth, cool and moist…the folks on the trunk would say it is dry and rough but burns wonderfully and flakes often, the folks in the branches would say God is limber and stretches far beyond sight and is full of wind, the ones at the leaves would say God changes often growing to deep greens which change more colorful as the winds cool…blah blah blah… you get where I am going. They are all describing the same thing, just from different perspectives and because the tree is so large none of them is fully able to appreciate the totality of the tree. If they would all come together, however,  and listen to one another they would be closer to that understanding than they are stuck in their own camps.

Any religion that holds itself up to be beyond questioning is destructive to spiritual growth, in my opinion.  We can ONLY acquire wisdom through asking. It is in that seeking that we grow more in our understanding of who each of us truly is in the universe and when we are able to explore ourselves and living WITHOUT judgments, like children growing to adulthood, we are able to accept our own place in the matrix of the world and the contribution we have come here to make.

There is one universal truth…we have free will (we can do what we want, when we want) We all like and want love, and we need to love each other more…and to act toward each other with love. With that in mind I offer that

God is…

Nonjudgemental - How can you have free will if there are consequences (there is no proof that the consequences come from God) we need to separate God from everything else that claims God. Do we think God is so fallible that all of human weaknesses will be embodied in God? Free will is your promise… you can do what you want and feel free to create your own benefits or consequences based upon the choices you make.

Music – that sound that no matter what color, creed, religion, affiliation can unify people unlike any other.

Love – that driving force, feeling experience we all crave, seek and rest comfortably in when found. It is ever present, always available and everlasting and EACH of us is capable and worthy of it.

Peace –  found in that sacred space of  nothing, where you can hear your heart beating and your breath pass in and out of your body. Our lives began when four cells came together and spontaneously began to release and contract (growing to become the heart)…science can explain the entire process of conception and gestation… but can not explain why or how those cells begin to contract… why do YOU think it happens?!?! (grin)

In Love, Peace and Joy…

p.s. for more information on the Spiritual Life groups… drop me a notecard! (smile)

“God Speed” by Raheem DeVaughn

How many more wars are soldiers gonna have to fight?
What’s it gonna take for all God’s people to unite?
If each one don’t teach one we’re all gonna be subject to pay the price
Each day we waste time, for babies are sacrificed.

Everybody’s searching for God speed,
Truth and
God speed
Dreams and
God speed
Life it sounds like to me that the world needs a song to sing like
La la la la la – La la la la la (sing along)– La la la la la la la la

Some  pay taxes and wonder where the money goes
Some folk get paid on a Friday and still feel broke
Some people complain, while some people vote
Some people hustle til they die while some people blow smoke


Hustlers… everybody’s searching
Gangstas… everybody’s searching
Babies… everybody’s searching
Ladies… everybody’s searching
Fellas… everybody’s searching
Pimps… everybody’s searching


Everybody’s searching for Love
Everybody’s praying for peace
I wish you God speed on your dreams
‘Cause everybody’s searching
Even I’ve been searching
Everybody’s searching

Monday, September 7, 2009

Navigating the Holes to Being Whole (Synthesis Note [30])

Song of The Moment: Vivian Green “Keep Going On” (lyrics below)

I was talking with my girl Khitten Kurka last night about the fact that I’d been “deleted” by a friend with whom I’d shared about 2 years of my second life. I’ve been grieving, angry, sad, frustrated… you know how it goes. I appreciated the support and empathy she showed as she listened to me ramble about the situation. In all honesty, it is probably better for both the “deleter” and I that we part ways as we both appeared to be looking for something that the other seemed to either distract from, or block altogether and at some point all relationships change. With change, an end always comes whether it be a change in the way the two people interpret, interact or impact one another… or as in my case an end to the relationship, which may have grown beyond usefulness for the people involved.

Despite the normalcy and sometimes health of a relationship ending, it is no less painful to make that transition than if the person had died. In my case, a death did occur. In our first lives we can’t “delete” people per se, but we can certainly walk away and not look back. How often though, do we successfully resist that urge to turn around, (just to see what was back there) and our eyes lock onto a memory of happy times and the joy we experienced at the height of the relationship’s bloom?  …then turning back to the long, rough, dark road ahead decide that maybe it wasn’t so bad after all and start moving in the wrong direction? I think many of us get stuck there and shortly there after realize why we were leaving in the first place.

The reality I,s that we all want to be loved, to feel love, to know joy. We all want and NEED to encounter and explore new territory to evolve…emotionally and spiritually. It’s the pain around these transitions that help us to appreciate how strong we are and provide an opportunity to apply what we have learned through past experiences to advance us to newer, more fulfilling relationships.

There is a poem by Sogyal Rinpoche in The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying called “Autobiography in Five Chapters”  that describes this experience perfectly. It reads…

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

The key to this process is not to judge yourself too harshly as you endure the  “holes” in your path to wholeness, but rather “observe” the experience with the intent to grow. Learning occurs through trial and error, everything else is theory. All we can do is what we know to do in any given moment and trying something new is not always a pleasant experience…especially if you are leaving something behind that you’ve held onto for some time.

Remind yourself that you are loved, and you are WORTHY of the happiness you seek… keep moving on!

With love peace and blessings! XOXO

 “Keep On Going”  Vivian Green
The days are overwhelming
I swear I just can't tell if I'm
Coming or going, I wish I was all knowing
Cause I wanna fly, but what if I
Fall right on my face
But I can't stop here, I gotta face my fear
Or everyday before this was in vein

So I got to keep on going on
And I can't stop for nothing
So I got to keep going on and on and on

My anxiety is killing me
Sleepless nights I must defeat
Cause nothing's really wrong
Guess it just took so long
For me to get to the place, I wanted to be
Now that I'm here, I gotta face my fear
Or everyday before this was in vein

So I got to keep on going on
And I can't stop for nothing
So I got to keep going on and on and on

I've gotta hold my head up high
Can't settle for just a little bit of sky
Can't be afraid to spread my wings and fly
I've gotta turn my dreams into life

So I got to keep on going on
And I can't stop for nothing
So I got to keep going on and on and on

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Stolen Life (Synthesis Note [29])

Song of the Moment: “Sometimes Dancin’” Brownstone (lyrics below)

“Sometimes [people] try to sneak their inner life…because people are desirous of having the ESSENCE [of] the thing that reminds them of true consciousness, true love, true relationship with … spirit, and the soul… It’s that feeling… they’re after (whatever their proclivities are)… Sneaking a life because the real one is not given room enough to thrive, is hard on vitality...and the captured and starved people sneak all kinds of things... The stolen life is a half life…because it does not allow a person to function like a normal person.... it causes them to though they are a furtive and captured person.”
      ~Clarissa Pinkola-Estes
The Red Shoes: On Torment and The Recovery of the Soul Life

Many of you know that I have danced tirelessly with my relationship to Second Life. Some days I feel like a ballerina leaping effortlessly in pirouettes and chaînés across the grid, while others I feel tortured like a private dancer called to sway endlessly to the intoxicating melodies.

I have flirted frequently with the idea that I am addicted to SL. As a mental health professional RL, I am trained to look for pathology and there are many times that I’ve felt that SL is used as an escape that is unhealthy for me. After all, I tell people all the time that if you spend five consecutive hours per day doing any one thing, it’s worth examining. I love Second Life. I have learned more about myself (who I am and who I am NOT) in the past 2 years, than I had in the previous 30 “something” (grin). I’ve rationalized that anything that feels this good, can’t be bad for me.

A few months ago I went public and called it an addiction. Not in my playful chiding, but a serious admission as the initial step to what I’d hoped would become the “first step” of my “recovery”. Although my PATH-ology was not completely indicative of an addiction, I was dancing tirelessly, uncontrollably and wanted to reclaim “productive” time.

Earlier this year, (2009) I came to a crossroad where I was no longer able to understand how SL fit into my real world. I believe everything happens in cycles, and in my early stages of SL residency, most of my time was productive! I am very proud of the relationships I’ve developed and the growth of the SL/RL Relationships Discussion Group. The discussions are always lively and the attendance and feedback encouraged me to continue to do them. Additionally, some of my SL relationships have provided a means to examine my RL relationship with my husband and the things about my marriage that are healthy and valuable! I made many positive changes, becoming more serious about my writing (a passion abandoned early on as I was socialized to believe it was not a valuable pursuit) and reevaluating my career path.

Logging in almost daily for two years has become a part of my daily routine “…go to work…pick up kids…help with homework, baths, kids to bed…SL time”. Although active with the in-world group and SL commitments, (which I felt was an extension of my RL work and a means for volunteerism), SL has become less productive and more of a distraction from my efforts to integrate my new connection to my creative self…the Writer Reborn.

I am realizing that its time for a new routine. Not that SL will not continue to be part of my real life, but that it is time to redefine what role it will have as I rearrange my life to incorporate all that I have learned…

So call it an addiction… or a distraction…at some point we all must accept when it is time to let go of those things in our lives that no longer serve us. I have embraced Second Life, for the positive service it has provided my life, and hopefully the lives of others… my husband, children, friends, clients and just perhaps you as you are reading this now (smile)…

Thank you for being part of my Life (First & Second)
                                               … Self Discovery
                                               … Self Acceptance
                                               … loving and allowing me to Love!                                          

In Love, Peace and Faith…

P.S. to follow me DEEPER in the water…read “The Devil’s Red Shoes” at ([smiles] Bless XOXO)

“Sometimes Dancin’” Brownstone

I never knew that you wanted me so bad
Feelings now convert to love
Can’t look to your eyes
I’m too afraid to see
Where we might end up tonight

Maybe it won’t be so bad
After all I’ve never had
Loving where one moment’s all it took

Sometimes dancing can make you fall in love
The way your body moves before you eyes

Sexy movements keeps you dreaming of
All the little games you play at night

(Brownstone -- coming straight to attack ya
  B R O W N S T O N E, Brownstone)

Gotta be careful
We just might be too close
I don’t know if that’s so good

We shared that moment
And now it has to end
Want to see you once again if I could

Maybe it won’t be so bad
After all I’ve never had
Loving where one moment’s all it took


When you dancing boy, I make you go crazy
Want your every move to keep you daydreaming
While you only have me body for one night
Wanna make you move
Wanna make you groove and you feel alright

CHORUS to fade

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Follow The Leader (Synthesis Note [28])

Song of the Moment: “SuperWoman” by Stevie Wonder (lyrics below)

You know some people might tell you that I am the shy, quiet type (snickers) NOT! … more like the quintessential control freak! (smile) This idea of following the leader has become a recurring message for me as I somehow can’t seem to figure out how to make this idea of life and relationships work consistently. A long time SL friend of mine recently accused me of “not wanting to be happy,” which certainly is not the case… (although my best writing usually happens when I’m in the valley versus on the mountain top). I, however, keep finding myself in the same situations over and over, as if I am playing out a tale where the characters change, but the story always ends the same.

While on the phone today trying to advise a friend (who ironically seems to be following a parallel fairy tale), we talked about the idea that sometimes we just have to resolve that we don’t have the answer to every problem. You’ll never see books on how to be a good “follower” it’s LEADING that we all strive for, being in control. I realized however, that being a leader does not mean telling people what to do, or how to do it… it is saying to those around you “I’ll go first.”

In some situations, I am the ideal person to go first, because I have a knowledge base developed of my experiences and there are some territories I have already navigated. I, therefore, have a better probability of being able to guide others to the desired destination. There are many paths, however, that I have not yet traveled, and in those situations it would be in the best interest of all involved, to be willing to follow someone else who has been down that road and “done that.”

The hardest thing for me is the idea of having someone “lead” me. For some reason I interpret that to mean that I am inferior in some way…that I need someone else to help me. Isn’t that what relationship is about, though? Sharing the responsibility of caring for one another? If I was complete and perfect all by myself, would I even desire relationship with another? The reality is, although I may be unwilling to admit it, I DO need to be lead, to be guided down those roads less traveled. I need to hear/see/experience another’s script so that I can end this play  …this DRAMA…this TRAEGDY and finally have the happy ending I’ve been waiting for.

I’ve been a leader for so long, I think its time to learn how trust that someone ELSE may have just the answer I’ve been looking for and to have FAITH that if I am patient and truly WILLING, the people I need to lead me will come.

Even better…I’ll discover that they were here for me all along!


“Superwoman” by Stevie Wonder

Mary wants to be a superwoman
But is that really in her head
But I just want to live each day to love her
for what she is

Mary wants to be another movie star
But is that really in her mind
And all the things she wants to be
She needs to leave behind

But, very well, I believe I know you-very well
Wish that you knew me too-very well
And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

Very well, and I think I can face-very well
Wish that you knew me too-very well
And I think I can cope with everything going through your head

Mary wants to be a superwoman
And try to boss the bull around
But does she really think that she will get by with a dream

My woman want to be a superwoman
And I just had to say good-bye
Because I can't spend all my hours start to cry

But, very well, I believe I know you
Very well wish that you knew me too
Very well, And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

Very well, think that I know you too
Very well, wish you knew me like I know you
Very well, but I think I can deal with everything going through your head
Your filthy head

Very well, dum dum da, dum dum da
Very well, wish you knew me too
Very well, And I wish I could think of everything going through your head

Very well, dum dum da, dum da, dum da
dum dum da, dum da, very well
And I think I can deal with everything going through your head

When the summer came you were not around
Now the summer's gone and love cannot be found
Where were you when I needed you-last winter, my love?

When the winter came you went further south
Parting from love's nest, leaving me in doubt
Where are you when I need you, like right now?

Our love is at an end
But you say now you have changed
But tomorrow will reflect love's past

When the winter came you were not around
Through the bitter winds love could not be found
Where were you when I needed you, last winter, my love?

Oh I need you baby, I need you baby

Our love is at an end
But you say now you have changed,
But tomorrow will reflect love's past oh

Spring will fill the air and you will come around,
With your summer love that will let me down,
Where were you when I needed you, last winter, my love?

La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, la la la la la
Where are you when I need you, like right now?
Right now, right now, right now

Where were you when I needed you last winter, my dear
I need you baby, I need you baby, I need you baby
Oh, Where were you when I needed you last winter, last winter

Yea, Need you Baby, need you, need you baby,
Oh, you want me too need you baby
Oh where were you when I needed you last, dear

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Loving You Always... (Synthesis Note [27])

Song of the Moment: "As" by Stevie Wonder (lyrics below)

Yesterday I sent out a note to the group. Later in the day, I received a note from a member indicating that he was leaving the group. In his note, he explained: " I am not comfortable when people are so openly expressing deep personal feelings like love and fear and doubt towards relatively strangers. And that we are, we members of your group. In the Netherlands we only say I LOVE YOU to very intimate friends." He attributed this to cultural differences as I am from the US. The writer went on to say that he felt that in the discussions, the quality of the input from other members may be less than insightful "... I see a lot of superficial 'acting out' of being spiritual and feeling persons with some of the group members. Saying you appreciate and even love each other a lot does not make it more real, I fear."

My initial response to the writer, although supportive and affirmative relative to my desire to remain connected, was very defensive. I felt attacked and felt the members who I love so dearly were also being attacked and so I drew a line around myself (and the group) and commented: "... [I] believe...a true connection is... free of any conditions or stipulations around how they should or should not behave to validate my (desire) to feel connected to them. With that said, I respect your choice and affirm my relationship with you (smile)...Membership is and acceptance (at least until love is possible) is required."

As I reflected on this exchange later, I realized that I was being just as judgmental and segregative as I'd perceived the writer to be. I had missed an opportunity to connect with him, in the way I have always supported and encouraged in others. After all, he didn’t have to write me a note at all. He could have simply left the group. In my introspection, I understood that despite what I perceived the words to mean, that this was a reaching out. This member has not attended the discussions, but I would assume has kept track of them via the webposts. I also could not recall a time when I have conversed with him on a personal level. This might seem insignificant, as there are many members in the group with whom I have not interacted with on a personal level, but the fact that he took the time to compose a well articulated message to me says something...more than I was willing to acknowledge in my initial defensiveness.

Drawing lines, making judgments, separation …are against everything I believe. I will accept his choice, of course… but will release any feelings of discontent around the experience. That is what love IS. I will not stop loving him... I will not stop loving YOU, because IMHO love is ALWAYS the answer... ALWAYS. We are so interdependent upon one another. It was divinely indoctrinated. No wo/man is an island, although socially we may feel that way sometimes. I attribute the growth of the group less to anything I have done (other than provide a means to come together) but more because people feel connected to something. I think members feel affirmed, cared for, validated.. but most importantly, not alone.

Thank you for being a part of the group...
Thank you for being willing to connect with one another...
Thank you for being....and loving!

Peace & blessings with LOVE

"As" by Stevie Wonder

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I'll be loving you always
As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I'll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky---ALWAYS
Until the ocean covers every mountain high---ALWAYS
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea---ALWAYS
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
Just as time knew to move on since the beginning
And the seasons know exactly when to change
Just as kindness knows no shame
Know through all your joy and pain
That I'll be loving you always
As today I know I'm living but tomorrow
Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear
For I'll know deep in my mind
The love of me I've left behind Cause I'll be loving you always

Until the day is night and night becomes the day---ALWAYS
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away---ALWAYS
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4---ALWAYS
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Did you know that you're loved by somebody?
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left---ALWAYS
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
I'll be loving you forever
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through---ALWAYS
Until the day that you are me and I am you---ALWAYS
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky~~ALWAYS

We all know sometimes lifes hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet you life times that and twice its double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed
so make sure when you say you're in it but not of it
You're not helping to make this earth a place sometimes called Hell
Change your words into truths and then change that truth into love
And maybe our children's grandchildren
And their great-great grandchildren will tell
I'll be loving you

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky--Loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high--Loving you
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea--Loving you
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream--Be loving you
Until the day is night and night becomes the day--Loving you
Until the trees and seas up, up and fly away--Loving you
Until the day that 8x8x8x8 is 4--Loving you
Until the day that is the day that are no more--Loving you
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left--Be loving you
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself--Loving you
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through--Loving you
Until the day that you are me and I am you--
Now ain't that loving you
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Ain't that loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
And I've got to say always

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Born Again (Synthesis Note [26])

Song of the Moment: "Born Again" V feat. Jill Scott (lyrics below)

As I've moved toward self evolution and away from compulsions which don't serve either of my lives (1st or 2nd), I've begun to expand my online presence outside the walls of SL. Yesterday, I was playing around with my new twitter subscription and one of my followers posted a URL for an article about SL ( The article itself was not all that intriguing, as I find most people outside of the grid really don’t understand what is happening here for us residents. It was a comment posted by a user however, that threatened to take me back in my progress of integrating online with RL. He/she posted quite judgmentally: "I guess when you don't have a real-life you have to make one up online and pay for it on top of it... Alot of sad individuals out there.  I count my blessings everyday that I have a good job, good friends and good family and not have to resort to a fantasy world to fulfill my happiness." 

It is comments like these that chase me into thoughts of guilt and shame about my relationship with SL, which I've battled for most of my time here. Thoughts of being "less than" because of fear about what "outsiders" would think of my second life. In my self-condemnation after reading this post, I failed to acknowledge that the person writing 1) posted to an online forum; 2) anonymously; 3) in an effort to be acknowledged in his/her online presence. 

How hypocritical I finally realized!

I've focused so much effort and attention on making the fragments that are my first and second life a singularity. The irony is, every aspect of my RL is compartmentalized and before SL, I always thought this was healthy.  As I was chatting with my SL friend Reflection Freenote, he put it this way: "yes, it is dissociative in the moment, but the overall fabric is maintained through a sense of acceptance of fragmentation, and the awareness that all the pieces have of all the others:))"

Yeah! What he said! (grin) In recent weeks, I've let go of a lot... with SL on the top of my list of things NOT to do despite its place in the corner of my heart as a "thing to hold on to." I think I've been focused on letting go of the wrong thing. It is the judgments, criticisms and self-doubt that no longer serve me... in any life. I don’t expect my Caucasian friends to fully understand my experience as an African-American, (even when they try too) but I still love them, and don’t judge them for it. Why should I expect any different in my relationships with offline friends relative to my SL?

SL is just another source of love, support, self-fulfillment and connectedness. Acu was created in my RL likeness (personality wise [grin]), and although she is able to explore parts of me that may be unavailable RL, I always reserve the right to create that same aspect of me in my RL. It is all love…, a closed cycle, complete, perfect with both ups and downs. I envision the symbol for infinity turned up…cycling up and down to return up again, never ending..... 
the valleys …
and mountain tops…
and dives to the valley again... 
Blessing each experience 
As birth, life, death, resurrection... Born Again.

With love peace and blessings INFINATELY…

"Born Again" by V. feat. Jill Scott

I'm Born Again
Your Living Water never ends
I'm Born Again
Your Living Water never ends

I used to be so sad
but now a days I bathe inside your love
I can't get away
My eyes now tell a story
how lonely days no longer rule my life
now that you're with me
Never forget that day
I first decided, said "how 'bout it?" to myself
and took a leap of faith
No disappointments today
'cuz everything I've ever wanted
is inside your rain.

I'm Born Again (Baptized by your spirit)
Your Living Water (It's because of you)
I'm Born Again (but now I can feel it)
Your Living Water never ends

You made me change my ways
and I'm so glad I found someone
who can quench my thirst.
Had problems before you came in my life
now the problems in my life 
are washed away
A new beginning you have given me
all sins are forgiven, evening if I'm not worthy
Tranquility feels so good to me
Drenched by your majesty, I'm soak and wet


(J. Scott interlude to fade)

Captured...I'm captured

Write it down(so lost) rest 
Page for page (this existence) 
(I am so lost inside this ... miracle)
and by no measure (capture this) can I comprehend delicious-THIS
(Create me all over again just to experience this)

This experience ...captured and I come (so satisfying)
I am so emoted...let me KNOW

Book after book could not possibly fit
(Can't even begin) capture this love
I would start all over again...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

SL/RL Synthesis Note (25): The Resurrection

Song of the Moment:  "My Life" Mary J. Blige  (Yamama’nym Remake)

In my life, I’ve tried to live authentically. To be the best I could be and to live by the creed “do the right thing.” When I found SL, I discovered a place to be “inauthentic,” and explore sides of me I had not previously examined or entertained. Having reached what I thought was the top of the mountain, I leaped from the peaks deep into the valley like a droplet racing the waterfall down hill. For more than a year I immersed myself in this world swimming among others, exploring the depths of my soul. Here I  discovered ocean trenches: places so deep that I felt my life had imploded…

I have often joked about the idea of my Second Life being an addiction. In-world the word is thrown about casually and usually in jest. I realized that I spent an extraordinary amount of time logged in, but shook it off as an earned indulgence for the hectic RL I was living. Slowly I pulled away from the monotony spending less time away from home, then at work, then at my church and with friends. I’d log on, meet up with online friends who were doing the same thing and enjoy exploring the grid, and my inner most fantasies. At some point, however,  I realized that I needed to integrate my 1st and 2nd lives and invited my RL husband to join me in an effort to synthesize, but even that did not slow my free fall. There were aspects of my SL that I wanted to keep to myself…my escape and refuge.

…and then one day I stopped, looked around and realized that I had forgotten my way home. At that moment, I realize that in my seclusion, it was dark and I became afraid that I might not make it back. For the next year, I struggled against the water to swim upstream, desperate, tired and afraid. I wanted to go back to the peak, to climb out of the rabbit hole. I asked myself, “What is it that keeps me here?” I realized that when I wasn’t logged in, I wanted to be in-world. My thoughts kept me longing for my next SL adventure and during especially stressful times I felt agitated and irritable if unable to access my special, private space. Logging in was a relief…a release.

When finally I made that realization, I also accepted that I was lost. Addiction at its core is about isolating and guarding compulsive activity against the other aspects of one’s life. Overcoming it, means releasing the anxieties and frustrations locked inside the habit and mastering rather than suppressing them…it is resurrecting the abandoned self and creating a healthy marriage with the isolated self…reclaiming the isolated self back into the mainstream of one’s identity.

…but how did I get here in the first place? If I were able to master my fears, frustrations and anxieties I wouldn’t be in this predicament!

…and so with no plausible idea for how to get back to the peak, and unsuccessful in my efforts to swim upstream

I Surrender

… and ask that something greater than “I” take over…and in that release, I am flowing, freely embracing the current which cycles me through the crashing tides to a gentle, restful stream which nurtures me. In my open admission and voice, people in RL and SL come to my side to offer support, reassurance and comfort…divinely guided to my path to assist me in this journey. We assist one another, and grow…”flow” together.

…and in that space of quiet contemplation and open space, I rediscover who I am and begin to move toward a rebirth,

…finding rest in the SYNERGY.

In love…Bless XOXO

"My Life" Mary J. Blige
(Yamama’myn Remake)

Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin’ down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

And you'll be at peace with yourself
You won't really need no one else
Except for the man up above
Because He'll give you love

If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
My life, my life, my life

[Verse 2]
Take your time
Baby don't you rush a thing
Don't you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
And if you don't believe in me
Just believe in "He"

Cause He'll give you peace of mind
Yes He will
And you'll see the sunshine
For real, yes you would
And you'll get to free your mind
And things will turn out fine
Oh, I know that things will turn out fine
Yes they would, yes they would

[Chorus to Music interlude]
  (In the Sunshine)

All you gotta do is take your time,
And you will see the sunshine
One day at a time
Then you will see the sunshine
If you take it one day at a time
If you look into my life


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