The Stolen Life (Synthesis Note [29])

Song of the Moment: “Sometimes Dancin’” Brownstone (lyrics below)

“Sometimes [people] try to sneak their inner life…because people are desirous of having the ESSENCE [of] the thing that reminds them of true consciousness, true love, true relationship with … spirit, and the soul… It’s that feeling… they’re after (whatever their proclivities are)… Sneaking a life because the real one is not given room enough to thrive, is hard on vitality...and the captured and starved people sneak all kinds of things... The stolen life is a half life…because it does not allow a person to function like a normal person.... it causes them to function...as though they are a furtive and captured person.”
      ~Clarissa Pinkola-Estes
“The Red Shoes: On Torment and The Recovery of the Soul Life”

Many of you know that I have danced tirelessly with my relationship to Second Life. Some days I feel like a ballerina leaping effortlessly in pirouettes and chaînés across the grid, while others I feel tortured like a private dancer called to sway endlessly to the intoxicating melodies.

I have flirted frequently with the idea that I am addicted to SL. As a mental health professional RL, I am trained to look for pathology and there are many times that I’ve felt that SL is used as an escape that is unhealthy for me. After all, I tell people all the time that if you spend five consecutive hours per day doing any one thing, it’s worth examining. I love Second Life. I have learned more about myself (who I am and who I am NOT) in the past 2 years, than I had in the previous 30 “something” (grin). I’ve rationalized that anything that feels this good, can’t be bad for me.

A few months ago I went public and called it an addiction. Not in my playful chiding, but a serious admission as the initial step to what I’d hoped would become the “first step” of my “recovery”. Although my PATH-ology was not completely indicative of an addiction, I was dancing tirelessly, uncontrollably and wanted to reclaim “productive” time.

Earlier this year, (2009) I came to a crossroad where I was no longer able to understand how SL fit into my real world. I believe everything happens in cycles, and in my early stages of SL residency, most of my time was productive! I am very proud of the relationships I’ve developed and the growth of the SL/RL Relationships Discussion Group. The discussions are always lively and the attendance and feedback encouraged me to continue to do them. Additionally, some of my SL relationships have provided a means to examine my RL relationship with my husband and the things about my marriage that are healthy and valuable! I made many positive changes, becoming more serious about my writing (a passion abandoned early on as I was socialized to believe it was not a valuable pursuit) and reevaluating my career path.

Logging in almost daily for two years has become a part of my daily routine “…go to work…pick up kids…help with homework, baths, kids to bed…SL time”. Although active with the in-world group and SL commitments, (which I felt was an extension of my RL work and a means for volunteerism), SL has become less productive and more of a distraction from my efforts to integrate my new connection to my creative self…the Writer Reborn.

I am realizing that its time for a new routine. Not that SL will not continue to be part of my real life, but that it is time to redefine what role it will have as I rearrange my life to incorporate all that I have learned…

So call it an addiction… or a distraction…at some point we all must accept when it is time to let go of those things in our lives that no longer serve us. I have embraced Second Life, for the positive service it has provided my life, and hopefully the lives of others… my husband, children, friends, clients and just perhaps you as you are reading this now (smile)…

Thank you for being part of my Life (First & Second)
                                               … Self Discovery
                                               … Self Acceptance
                                               … loving and allowing me to Love!                                          

In Love, Peace and Faith…
Acu

P.S. to follow me DEEPER in the water…read “The Devil’s Red Shoes” at http://www.blogher.com/devils-red-shoes ([smiles] Bless XOXO)

“Sometimes Dancin’” Brownstone

I never knew that you wanted me so bad
Feelings now convert to love
Can’t look to your eyes
I’m too afraid to see
Where we might end up tonight

Maybe it won’t be so bad
After all I’ve never had
Loving where one moment’s all it took

CHORUS
Sometimes dancing can make you fall in love
The way your body moves before you eyes

Sexy movements keeps you dreaming of
All the little games you play at night

(Brownstone -- coming straight to attack ya
  B R O W N S T O N E, Brownstone)

Gotta be careful
We just might be too close
I don’t know if that’s so good

We shared that moment
And now it has to end
Want to see you once again if I could

Maybe it won’t be so bad
After all I’ve never had
Loving where one moment’s all it took

CHORUS

When you dancing boy, I make you go crazy
Want your every move to keep you daydreaming
While you only have me body for one night
Wanna make you move
Wanna make you groove and you feel alright
(repeat)

CHORUS to fade

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (25): The Resurrection

Song of the Moment:  "My Life" Mary J. Blige  (Yamama’nym Remake)

In my life, I’ve tried to live authentically. To be the best I could be and to live by the creed “do the right thing.” When I found SL, I discovered a place to be “inauthentic,” and explore sides of me I had not previously examined or entertained. Having reached what I thought was the top of the mountain, I leaped from the peaks deep into the valley like a droplet racing the waterfall down hill. For more than a year I immersed myself in this world swimming among others, exploring the depths of my soul. Here I  discovered ocean trenches: places so deep that I felt my life had imploded…

I have often joked about the idea of my Second Life being an addiction. In-world the word is thrown about casually and usually in jest. I realized that I spent an extraordinary amount of time logged in, but shook it off as an earned indulgence for the hectic RL I was living. Slowly I pulled away from the monotony spending less time away from home, then at work, then at my church and with friends. I’d log on, meet up with online friends who were doing the same thing and enjoy exploring the grid, and my inner most fantasies. At some point, however,  I realized that I needed to integrate my 1st and 2nd lives and invited my RL husband to join me in an effort to synthesize, but even that did not slow my free fall. There were aspects of my SL that I wanted to keep to myself…my escape and refuge.

…and then one day I stopped, looked around and realized that I had forgotten my way home. At that moment, I realize that in my seclusion, it was dark and I became afraid that I might not make it back. For the next year, I struggled against the water to swim upstream, desperate, tired and afraid. I wanted to go back to the peak, to climb out of the rabbit hole. I asked myself, “What is it that keeps me here?” I realized that when I wasn’t logged in, I wanted to be in-world. My thoughts kept me longing for my next SL adventure and during especially stressful times I felt agitated and irritable if unable to access my special, private space. Logging in was a relief…a release.

When finally I made that realization, I also accepted that I was lost. Addiction at its core is about isolating and guarding compulsive activity against the other aspects of one’s life. Overcoming it, means releasing the anxieties and frustrations locked inside the habit and mastering rather than suppressing them…it is resurrecting the abandoned self and creating a healthy marriage with the isolated self…reclaiming the isolated self back into the mainstream of one’s identity.

…but how did I get here in the first place? If I were able to master my fears, frustrations and anxieties I wouldn’t be in this predicament!

…and so with no plausible idea for how to get back to the peak, and unsuccessful in my efforts to swim upstream

I Surrender

… and ask that something greater than “I” take over…and in that release, I am flowing, freely embracing the current which cycles me through the crashing tides to a gentle, restful stream which nurtures me. In my open admission and voice, people in RL and SL come to my side to offer support, reassurance and comfort…divinely guided to my path to assist me in this journey. We assist one another, and grow…”flow” together.

…and in that space of quiet contemplation and open space, I rediscover who I am and begin to move toward a rebirth,

…finding rest in the SYNERGY.

In love…Bless XOXO
Acu

"My Life" Mary J. Blige
(Yamama’myn Remake)

Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin’ down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

And you'll be at peace with yourself
You won't really need no one else
Except for the man up above
Because He'll give you love

[Chorus]
If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
My life, my life, my life

[Verse 2]
Take your time
Baby don't you rush a thing
Don't you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
And if you don't believe in me
Just believe in "He"

Cause He'll give you peace of mind
Yes He will
And you'll see the sunshine
For real, yes you would
And you'll get to free your mind
And things will turn out fine
Oh, I know that things will turn out fine
Yes they would, yes they would

[Chorus to Music interlude]
  (In the Sunshine)

All you gotta do is take your time,
And you will see the sunshine
One day at a time
Then you will see the sunshine
If you take it one day at a time
If you look into my life

[Chorus]

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Sl/RL Synthesis Note (17) "Growing...PEACE by piece"

Song of the Moment: "Grown Apart" by Lisa Shaw

For almost a year and a half I have lived a significant part of my life in SL. In that time I've seen and experienced a lot. I've seen many places and people come full circle. It's a continuous cycle for "residents" here...those of us who become immersed in this virtual paradise or prison (dependant upon where you are in the cycle). I have created lasting relationships with many, a few of whom have left SL and I've never heard from again.  Their impression on my life, however, is everlasting.

We live here, we love here and if the circle is closed, we have learned.

Second Life can be such a euphoric experience. The limitlessness of this place allows so much exploration.  The inevitability of change, however, impacts us no matter where we are. As our second (and real) lives change, at each new stage we begin to ask ourselves "who is it I am, now that (fill in the blank) has happened." When we are forced to transition because of a change, we often view it as negative but more realistically, it offers an opportunity for growth. In the struggle to become more than we once were, we cling to the old and familiar out of fear of the unknown. This journey of self discovery however, must happen...it is the purpose of life.

When we are in relationship with another (romantic, platonic, parental) you are brought closer to self realization. That feeling!...you know the one... it overwhelms you...it feels so good!, so right. It is a connection of something greater than the two of you, experienced through you ... it must be because you *both* feel it. Then fear enters through the back door... fear that we'll lose this feeling and so we try to control it (either by controlling the person, or our interaction with them). The sad thing is, that in that control we lose the experience…that bliss is replaced by other feelings on the spectrum between love and fear (envy, jealousy, anger, etc.)

The reality is, love is abound. It is limitless and there is plenty to go 'round. The pain we feel is part of our growth. Learning the lessons that teach us who we TRULY are. The guiding words that we must sometimes hear from someone else (or in my case through music) because we are so focused in our heads trying to label, define and control it that we can't feel the voice speaking in our heart.

You *are* a divine presence in this world~virtual and real... you are worthy... you are peace.... you are love. You need only be STILL one moment to feel this truth within you.

Thank you for being a part of my SL life and cycle, and allowing me the honor of being part of yours.

We are love! XOXO

Peace and blessings...
Acu

"Grown Apart" by Lisa Shaw

NOW what cha doing to me
Findin' a way to live
Givin' it everything
NOW what cha doing to me
There's something inside of me
It's hopeful, but bittersweet.

I think in time you will see
The memories never fade
Tell me why feel the pain?
I really hope you agree
I did what I said I would
Doing the things I should

(Chorus)
Finally
I'm seeing clearer
Finally
We can be who we are

Now what cha doing to me
There's nothing to forgive
Giving it everything

Now what cha doing to me
We'll see what we want to see
Color the memory
I think it's time we let be
Things that we couldn't change
Won't make that mistake again!

God in my heart I believe
We do what we know we should
Heading to something good.

Finally
I'm seeing clearer
Finally
We can be who we are
Finally
The future seems nearer
Finally
We can be who we are

Inside of us,
Feels right but we trust nobody
You know it's time for us
To go our separate ways

Inside of us, feels right but trust noBODY
You know it's time to go our separate ways

Finally
Never knew it would be this hard
Didn't ever think that we would grow apart.
Never knew it would be so hard
Didn't ever think that we would grow apart.

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