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SONG OF THE MOMENT: "Lay Back" by Kwabs
Its been a while since I've written one of these, February 2012 to be exact! Ironically its of the same nature, but a different perspective. I needed to "come out" of my head and get it onto paper... albeit digital.
I’d like to tell a story about pain, choices and learning. Today I was asked to meet with an in-world support group for individuals with a specific disability. They asked that I focus on “depression” and the impact of “wearing a mask” to hide the affects. Its always synchronistic that when I need guidance the most, it comes through service which is why I continue to serve even when I find it very difficult.
Before this meeting, I received a note from a “friend” in-world asking that we end our friendship. I’ll be transparent and admit that I’d allowed myself to become emotionally attached to this person, probably because I saw in him something I felt I needed. I believe that is why we are ever attracted to anyone in this way, as there are endless people we encounter on a daily basis. It is those who with whom we see a reflection of ourselves that seem the “shiniest” amongst all the possibilities. I was willing to accept this disconnection because over time, I had found that I had (in fact) been attracted to my own reflection realizing that with all of the information I share about myself and my ideals, regurgitating it back to me isn’t difficult under the right circumstances.
For all my best efforts as a result of numerous encounters online, I was still able to be allured by words that came at a time when I needed them. I was drawn to the lips that spoke them, even in pixel form. I was finding, however, that the more I began to trust this person, the more I would hear my vulnerabilities in very harsh words and tones as a reprimand for some misunderstanding. It was very subtle initially, almost imperceptible, but grew more as deeper vulnerabilities were shared, in trust, and I became more exposed.
The challenge for me is my effort to bring harm to no one, and to offer closure when I can if I find a relationship is not healthy for me... the blessing and burden of caring enough to avoid someone feeling abandoned. The problem is how I have allowed myself to be sucked into this this circumstance yet again! I have a good RL family and have worked hard to keep them happy, healthy and filled with love. My life is not perfect, however and has been a struggle, especially in recent years.
…I lost my father in 2001 to renal failure, a result of being a 5 time diabetic amputee who would not stop drinking. He was Bipolar, a Narcissist, and womanizer, but he loved me more than anything. He worshiped me and always placed me on a pedestal which created more damage to other relationships around me growing up, than I care to share in this writing. He was nearly homeless at the time, living in poor conditions, but had made it a home. We were told he had 6 months at my last visit with him. but he died while awaiting transport to my home from another state… a decision that was very difficult for me because of the erosion of our relationship at the time due to his poor habits and resultant health problems. I saw my father in this man. I realize that now...
I lost my Grandfather, suddenly in the Fall of 2013 and of course all of those feelings resurface as I grieved losing the Man who raised me with the values and insights that have allowed me to develop into the person I am today despite my parent’s influences. I miss him and it has been hard. I miss my Dad too. I miss losing the men who meant the most to me. I struggle with losing people I care about... don't we all?
As I spoke to the in-world group about depression we explored the idea that there is a underlying purpose for “living” part of our lives on the grid for “residents” of Second Life. Its more than an escape, but a place to examine how we understand people, function with them, and form relationships.. I have always used “service to others” as my motivation, but I can be honest enough with myself to say there is more to my reason for being here. The apathy that comes with depression is often cloaked with a loss of purpose and having to confront parts of ourselves that have atrophied due to neglect and focus on areas where we are already strong.
Second Life has allowed me to develop aspects of my personality that I could not access otherwise. Beyond the “Caregiver” and “Achiever” where I am the strongest, I have become the “Idealist” and “Peacemaker” My SL relationships have allowed me to dissect the “Helper” and “Loyalist” sides of me as well. I am still developing my ability to be a “Challenger” understanding it is one of my weakest traits and appreciate that perhaps the relationships and circumstances I have attracted into my life are providing opportunities to be more “willful, confrontational and controlling.” They are skills that require so much diplomacy that I have difficulty gathering the strength to fight and perhaps that is where I need to focus my energy. I am realizing that the idea that “fighting” may hurt others, dismisses the hurt others may be causing me. Sometimes its easier to be alone, than to risk the miscommunication and misperceptions that real engagement inevitability causes.
I am ready to move on, however, and if it is "power" that is needed now, so be it. I pray for the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wish me luck!
In Love,
Acu ღ
Its been a while since I've written one of these, February 2012 to be exact! Ironically its of the same nature, but a different perspective. I needed to "come out" of my head and get it onto paper... albeit digital.
I’d like to tell a story about pain, choices and learning. Today I was asked to meet with an in-world support group for individuals with a specific disability. They asked that I focus on “depression” and the impact of “wearing a mask” to hide the affects. Its always synchronistic that when I need guidance the most, it comes through service which is why I continue to serve even when I find it very difficult.
Before this meeting, I received a note from a “friend” in-world asking that we end our friendship. I’ll be transparent and admit that I’d allowed myself to become emotionally attached to this person, probably because I saw in him something I felt I needed. I believe that is why we are ever attracted to anyone in this way, as there are endless people we encounter on a daily basis. It is those who with whom we see a reflection of ourselves that seem the “shiniest” amongst all the possibilities. I was willing to accept this disconnection because over time, I had found that I had (in fact) been attracted to my own reflection realizing that with all of the information I share about myself and my ideals, regurgitating it back to me isn’t difficult under the right circumstances.
For all my best efforts as a result of numerous encounters online, I was still able to be allured by words that came at a time when I needed them. I was drawn to the lips that spoke them, even in pixel form. I was finding, however, that the more I began to trust this person, the more I would hear my vulnerabilities in very harsh words and tones as a reprimand for some misunderstanding. It was very subtle initially, almost imperceptible, but grew more as deeper vulnerabilities were shared, in trust, and I became more exposed.
The challenge for me is my effort to bring harm to no one, and to offer closure when I can if I find a relationship is not healthy for me... the blessing and burden of caring enough to avoid someone feeling abandoned. The problem is how I have allowed myself to be sucked into this this circumstance yet again! I have a good RL family and have worked hard to keep them happy, healthy and filled with love. My life is not perfect, however and has been a struggle, especially in recent years.
…I lost my father in 2001 to renal failure, a result of being a 5 time diabetic amputee who would not stop drinking. He was Bipolar, a Narcissist, and womanizer, but he loved me more than anything. He worshiped me and always placed me on a pedestal which created more damage to other relationships around me growing up, than I care to share in this writing. He was nearly homeless at the time, living in poor conditions, but had made it a home. We were told he had 6 months at my last visit with him. but he died while awaiting transport to my home from another state… a decision that was very difficult for me because of the erosion of our relationship at the time due to his poor habits and resultant health problems. I saw my father in this man. I realize that now...
I lost my Grandfather, suddenly in the Fall of 2013 and of course all of those feelings resurface as I grieved losing the Man who raised me with the values and insights that have allowed me to develop into the person I am today despite my parent’s influences. I miss him and it has been hard. I miss my Dad too. I miss losing the men who meant the most to me. I struggle with losing people I care about... don't we all?
As I spoke to the in-world group about depression we explored the idea that there is a underlying purpose for “living” part of our lives on the grid for “residents” of Second Life. Its more than an escape, but a place to examine how we understand people, function with them, and form relationships.. I have always used “service to others” as my motivation, but I can be honest enough with myself to say there is more to my reason for being here. The apathy that comes with depression is often cloaked with a loss of purpose and having to confront parts of ourselves that have atrophied due to neglect and focus on areas where we are already strong.
Second Life has allowed me to develop aspects of my personality that I could not access otherwise. Beyond the “Caregiver” and “Achiever” where I am the strongest, I have become the “Idealist” and “Peacemaker” My SL relationships have allowed me to dissect the “Helper” and “Loyalist” sides of me as well. I am still developing my ability to be a “Challenger” understanding it is one of my weakest traits and appreciate that perhaps the relationships and circumstances I have attracted into my life are providing opportunities to be more “willful, confrontational and controlling.” They are skills that require so much diplomacy that I have difficulty gathering the strength to fight and perhaps that is where I need to focus my energy. I am realizing that the idea that “fighting” may hurt others, dismisses the hurt others may be causing me. Sometimes its easier to be alone, than to risk the miscommunication and misperceptions that real engagement inevitability causes.
I am ready to move on, however, and if it is "power" that is needed now, so be it. I pray for the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wish me luck!
In Love,
Acu ღ
