"Struggle Ain't No Sleepin' Dog" a poem

i am finally saved, i declare outright
of course that's if you forget last night
two steps forward, three steps back
indecision keeps my binds intact

i forget about you every day
fighting the need to stay away
wasting time like a vagabond
turning back, the inevitable prolonged

emptier than a hollow tree
chasm of loneliness inside of me
the voices argue
a critical debate
am i coming or going
is this really our fate

i ask AGAIN,  "do you want More?"
quite aware of what is in store
out of stock
out of time
wounded heart
broken bind

stop, no, leave, stay
please take the pain away
memories crying "i love him so"
heart longing for healing pleads...
Let Go...

© 2011 Acuminous Watanabe

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Prayer for Tornado Victims (Southern United States)

Divine Spirit, One of Life source and supply, I am humbled by your awesome presence. I am grateful for the challenges that serve as spiritual teachings and lessons allowing us to grow closer in our understanding of Divine Purpose. I call upon Divine Order for those affected by the Tornados in the Southern US recently and pray they are open and receptive to hearing your guidance as they move forward in restoring their lives. I call upon Divine Courage and pray for healing of the mind, body and spirit of those recovering as they gather the strength to being the process of renewal. Remind them Sweet Spirit that when things fall apart it offers an opportunity to pick up only the pieces you truly need, leaving behind what no longer serves...and to begin again. I release this prayer to You Mother/Father God knowing your Will is ALWAYS done, even as these words are spoken...and so it IS. Amen (Ra)

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (43): Finding Satisfaction

Someone once told me, when a person is showing (or telling) you who they truly are, you need to listen. In a world of fantasy, where we are seeking connection to something other than what we what we are used to, the line between what is real and what is only in our mind is blurred. Its like living in a lucid dream where things seem real, but aren’t quite right …and that “not right-ness” is what helps us to remember we are dreaming. Sometimes we want something so badly, that we shape this reality into something it is not, as though trying to carve an idol from papier-mâché’. It may stand up initially; however, as it is exposed... the fragile nature of its consistency reveals its true durability and begins to rip and fade away unable to withstand the harsh reality of time. Even in a place where your reality is seemingly validated, because there are "others” there with you living, dreaming, experiencing at the same time, it is still our ideas and perceptions that shape what that is for us. …and sometimes it seems so real, so palpable that we believe in it so deeply... with hope it IS real, despite the “not right-ness” that is there to remind us.

If you want to believe in something, believe in your Self. If you need to trust in someone, trust your Self. If you want to be loved by someone, love your Self. It is the one thing in the universe you can be certain of. Self is real, true, tangible, magnificent and with you always. Self will not hurt you, abandon you, lie to you, take advantage of you.  Perceptions are not real. Ideas are not real. It is only what you allow those thoughts to manifest in your life that give them life. What is it you are bringing to life? or what previous life are you resurrecting? What is manifesting in your life? 

Is what you are carving durable enough to withstand the reality to which you must return?

"Singed" (a poem) 

…Waking Up…

Acu

XOXO

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...Singed... (a poem)

Broken wings

Cause my unrest

Ever lower

Forever falling

…Fearfully

Resting upon Infinite Ocean

Drifting upon the waves

In the darkness

The tides carry me

…Aimlessly

Each day a stagnant shifting

Watching tides wash ashore

No storm in these waters

So quiet their turning stale

…Agony

Though water abound

My thirst unquenched

I am restless

I am sinking

…Slowly

And then he arrives

He is the sun

Vibrant and hot…forbidden

Rays caressing each crest

Drawing his light

…Upon Me

As he fades into the dark

The night brings cold

Darkness replaces his warmth

Thoughts of his heat

…Ecstasy

The ache boils over me

Brings new life to these wings

The attention gives new meaning

…To each day

Here

Where I slowly stir the water

And every day is the same

Now

I am warm, I am wet

Didn’t know it could be

..this way

Thrashing about,

The waters swell

Thick with current

I feel my Self moving

Stirring about

Boiling

“I am yours.”

…I say

Wings spread eagle

And when he rises

His rays like fire

I am drawn into him

…Willingly

The attention keeps me

Hanging on each day

Each wound cauterized

Each ember authorized

I cling to him

…feebly

It is a dance

Forbidden

Fire against Water

Against Fire

Evaporate … condensate

Into tears

…repeatedly

Ascertain my wings are singed

Playing with fire, burned by sin

Become still and I let go

and I Am

Set Free…

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"Thirst" (a poem)

What is it that I want from him

I question over and over again

I know I’m not the only one

And we agreed “its just for fun”

But this now is more than just play

I fell for him and lost my way

Forgot of what I’m truly made

And watched my inhibitions fade

Not knowing what I truly seek

I got caught up and in too deep

My heart’s desire to be his choice

Although this need I could not voice

I feared that he would turn away

Bound by my flesh, asked him to stay

He learned my needs and met them well

The longing in my chest he’d quell

As long as I could wait my turn

He’s not the first, I’ll never learn

What is it that I want from him

I question over and over again

I thirst for love, hunger for peace

He fills the void, the aching ceased

Then I awake, realize he’s gone

The ache returns, for him I long

I wait in pain for his return

Pray for the peace my heart doth yearn

In comes the echo, “you’re not the only one..

...and you agreed 'its just for fun'”

Then from inside a 

...Still

...Small 

...Voice

Speaks into me “you have a choice!”

My mind now quieted by the Love I seek

Open my heart as it continues to  speak

"You've done this before, haven't you learned

You are gift that should be earned?'

You must be still and you will know"

and in the silence, I let him go

Replaced by a love like no other

My love of Self, not from another

An endless stream to quench my thirst

Constant reminder of who comes first...

   …Be Still and Know I Am…

...and she was warned...a year in 6 minutes or less...

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (42): "Going Home"

I can’t sleep. Its 5:30AM and my mind is racing so I decided I might as well get up. I have been restless since yesterday. I met someone, a very nice person who is reengaging after having left Second Life a few years ago. He had deleted his avatar at that time, appreciating that he “had to” because his “real life” depended upon it. Pretty drastic, but not unusual. Like so many others, the allure of this place called to him again and he is back, ready for a second round of immersion in this virtual space.

I meet lots of people, on regular basis. It’s one aspect of Second Life that I truly enjoy. I love people, and when I found the grid, I was at a point in my life when I had all but completely closed myself off to the world, relationally. I had begun to isolate myself having felt betrayed, unappreciated, unvalued….unloved.

Second Life seemed like Heaven. I could be anyone I wanted to be and hide behind my avatar. This prospect was exhilarating, because I’d lead such a “vanilla, appropriate, socially acceptable” life. I loved the idea of being and doing something else. Over the course of 2 years, I proceeded to explore every possible curiosity to include the darker, more repressed aspects of myself. I’d done the whole “squeaky clean thing” and my existence boiled to a head with me feeling like my life had no meaning. Over and over I met with my understanding about life and myself crossing new ideas and perceptions that challenged my understanding about what was good, bad, real or unreal. I became frustrated about some of those crossroads deciding that those who had guided me were delusive and had left out some really important stuff. I began to realize, everything that I understood as “bad” was not…only subjectively evaluated as such… although some things still, I decided really WERE bad *for me* but not necessarily for all.

I’ve formed some very intense relationships as a result of my life on the grid. Challenging judgments opened the way for me to allow people into my life, I might have avoided in the tangible world. Relationships are TREMENDOUSLY important in this process because it allows us to actually “test” these ideas about “being” via the reactions, experiences and connections we create with others while in this new skin. All relationships, of various kinds are important and we are drawn to them, in an almost hypnotic way, sometimes seeking the same painful experiences over and over trying to make sense of this urging we feel.

..and then in 2009, the wall came crumbling down and I realized that my second life was seeping into my first one and my core was rocked in a way, I can not explain. So I began asking different questions, and looking for others who felt the same. I needed to know I was not loosing my mind and that someone else knew exactly what it was I was talking about. …and a group of 500 members; a friends list of over 700 and nearly 100 live discussions later I realized this experience is prevalent and calling to many MANY people as technology and social networking evolves the way people of the world relate to one another.

People come to Second Life for a myriad of reasons…business, education, research…There is a special population of us, however, who are here to discover who we truly are. We are the residents… generally people who heard about Second Life somewhere in the media or via recounts of another resident fully immersed and were so intrigued by what we heard that we came to see for ourselves…and moved in.

As I reflect, I have redefined my understand of “purgatory” the place in Dante’s “Divine Comedy” between hell and paradise where the souls “purge” their thoughts and ideas about themselves and the way they lived their life. Most say it’s a place of punishment… but a deeper understanding reveals it is a place of purification… where a “burning off” of these thoughts allows the soul to become “free and pure” of those ideas that no longer serve it and over time guides the soul toward paradise…and paradise isn’t even “Heaven” the mystical place of golden streets and angels, eternal peace…as most religions describe… it is Eden… a place on EARTH where the soul continues its ascension toward something all encompassing but with a more “serving and meaningful” existence on the next plane.

This is the soul’s journey… one that happens for everyone over the course of a lifetime. The Internet, social networking and especially virtual worlds have provided a space where this process of liberation happens at a tremendously hyper rate… it is unprecedented…we are connecting, growing and exploring in a way never seen before.

I don’t know where this journey is leading me now, there is a new longing in my chest that is urging me to ask, and I wait patiently for an answer. Under every challenge is an opportunity to ask… the really hard question, and find redemption and release in the answer.

In less than a week I will be 40….40 years in the wilderness…I am asking…and praying for a renewal of my mind…and a place in Paradise.

Peace and blessings XO

Acu

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