ASK Acu: "Infidelity?"

Originally appeared in Metaverse Messenger Magazine (M2)

Acu,

I am currently involved in a committed SL partnership that is beginning to break down. Before we got together, he was involved with other women. For that reason we kept the relationship “friendly” although we’d cuddle and kiss from time to time. Over time, my feelings for him began to grow and I felt that I needed him to commit to a monogamous relationship with me, or to move on, and I told him so. He was not ready to settle down at the time, and respected what I felt I needed and we stop talking for some time. Later, we reconnected and soon after he asked me to partner. I was somewhat apprehensive about it because of our history and felt jealous of the relationships he maintained with his ex-girlfriends. Despite this, I accepted his proposal and for a while things were absolutely wonderful.

Recently, however, his behavior had become suspicious. On one particularly “off” day, he explained he needed to talk with one of his ex.s and asked if it was ok. I told him he could, but then logged on an alt to see what he was doing. Long story short, he was with some other person who he first denied even knowing, but then later admitted was an alt of his ex-.  He said he didn’t want to be open about talking with her for fear of me becoming distrustful and/or upset. Acu, I have resorted to mapping him and am so paranoid about his where-a-bouts when we aren’t together. I  realize it is our past that impacts my trust in him, but I’m not sure if trust is possible in this virtual environment. Alt.s , IMs, can all make cheating so much easier. I feel like this whole experience has taught me something about the way I manage relationships. He seems to be trying to make things right, and  I really do love him, and want things to work, but are my expectations unrealistic?

~Control-Alt-Delete

Hi Control-Alt-Delete!

It certainly sounds like your relationship is complicated and I understand your concerns about fidelity, especially considering how your relationship began. Since you seem to be coming to a place of resolution, I won't delve deeper into the situation, but rather offer some thoughts for you to consider as you move forward in your partnership.

The first is development of trust. By definition trust is "belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence; loyalty or allegiance to a person or thing; esp. fidelity to a promise." For you to truly develop trust in your partner, I would suggest that the checking an snooping won't help matters much. The fact that he allows you to map him says a lot about his commitment to you, since it is a choice to give these permissions.

Secondly, more often than not, when we do not have "facts" to fill in a "blank" of information, our mind tends to create an "assumption" to fill the void. If the assumption is a positive one, the outcome within our relationship to the individual is usually positive, if the opposite is true, so is the reaction. The two of you have had a challenging past and the resulting "facts" may be significantly influencing your assumptions about who he is and what his intentions are. I would guess that your reactions, then, contribute to his choices in managing those situations that he perceives would upset you and may then appear defensive, and so the cycle continues.

Over time, this can breed resentment and more distrust which can gradually erode your connection to one another. Rather than seeking to "catch him in the act," it might be more productive to be as honest as you can about your concerns, feelings, desires so that he has the opportunity to respond in a way that helps you to better understand one another. If you are uncomfortable with something he has done or said, you have to TELL him. In that way, if there has been a misunderstanding, he is able to explain, rather than you guess away your doubts leaving you suspicious and feeling unsafe in the relationship. You must also be open to hearing HIS concerns and feelings about YOUR behavior/reactions. In this way you have created a healthy dialogue from which your relationship will develop out of your understanding and compromise.

The “reality” is, if he has an affair, you can not control that...nor prevent it. As hard as that may be to hear, it *Is* the truth. The same is true for you, he can not control whether you make efforts to hurt him “seeking revenge”. It is why it is called  "free will."  (smile) If you truly want to remain in the relationship, and honestly feel that you are reacting based more on past experiences than current actions, improve the likelihood that he will be honest with you, by demonstrating your investment in the relationship and developing trust in him and his commitment to you. After all, your reaction and choices based upon your own values (regardless of the actions of others)  *are* something that you can control and you can ALWAYS rely on the safety of that (winks).

Blessings XOXO

Acu