…and they all fall down: Ego Collapse

This has been a ridiculously stressful few weeks. The demands of my first life have really gotten me down and I've been feeling some-kinda-way about not meeting some personal and professional goals I set for myself. Yesterday was a beast. I was running from 5:30AM until 12:30 AM trying to "make it all happen" then later in the night, as I lay awake in bed, I had a total break down...

Ego is more than the cliche' of "being selfish" many define it as. It is the FALSE self/person we believe we are. I think that SLers can understand this better than some non-SL folks because of the virtual lives we live. The grid is tremendously "egoic" as most residents live there because they can create themselves in the form of their greatest fantasy and "play" among others AS that image. We know its not real though as a quick glance away from the screen, in your wallet or in the mirror will verify for you. 

Our ego is like that for us in our first lives. Its all the things people have told you (and you have told yourself) you ARE including the things you don't LIKE being. A mother, girlfriend, side-boo, sister, student, professional … yada yah.. We ARE much more than those labels of course, but its hard to convince our ego otherwise. It says you HAVE to do this or MUST be in control of the situation or you CAN'T do that, because the ego fears what might happen if you let go of those identities. We fear being invisible. We fear that we won't matter or that we are not worthy of the love we desire. We fear being "nothing." So our ego wants to hold onto the labels because then we know where we "fit" in the world. Ego wants to "protect" us from discovering who we REALLY are… inside… you know, whatever it is that keeps us breathing, and our blood circulating. That part of us that feels the emotion, very intense emotions…

Ego Collapse

…like last night when I allowed myself to sink into some unresolved dark feelings because I simply didn't have the energy to fight them anymore. In that space of non-resistance…that space of no more fighting in my head over what I did or didn't do; should or shouldn't do, I found peace. I released it and said "whatever happens happens" something I don't normally accept even though I say I do. Its a struggle for a true control freak to relinquish trust to something unknown, but that's exactly what faith is. There is peace in accepting that even if I lose ALL of the labels, roles, relationships, responsibilities, material possessions... what is inside of me would still exist, it is undefinable, but tremendously present, loving and healing. If I allow myself to focus on THAT rather than who other people think I am, want from me or expect,  I am free to BE who I TRULY am.

So I'm grateful for the challenges I've been experiencing recently. It has been difficult, but you know what? Today...all is well! The stars could not shine if there were no darkness.

Its nice to see clearly where the light is coming from ;)

Namaste'

Acu

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