Wednesday, December 12, 2012

SL/RL Synthesis Note (49): "The SL Hoe"

I was chatting with some female SL friends and the question came up: "What if the SL Avie you were interested in told you that he/she wanted a hoe for an sl mate?"

The real question I heard was "Why do women tolerate relationships with men in SL who seem only focused on sex and control?" and its a good question. I'll begin my OPINION on the matter by saying that I believe there was a time early in the history of SL when people visited the grid from all walks of life for various reasons and some stayed because of the relationships they had developed and the possibilities that existed to expand/explore the creative mind. Some strong RL relationships were created during that time, however, not many of those people are still around.

I believe word got in the street and around the "hood" that you could meet women who want to have sex in this virtual game called "Second Life" and thereafter a different type of resident began to emerge, male and female. Most of the male avies (the ones who are actually RL men) who participate in romantic and sexual relationships in SL are not interested in engaging in a "real" way. I believe like some women, these men are not yet mature in navigating relationships with women (shy, introverted, awkward RL) and the women in SL are "practice" at becoming something they always dreamed of! It is a different way of understanding role play. Conversely there are many MANY women (some of whom intended to also play SL as a "game") who get caught up because they are not prepared for the depth of emotion they feel when an avatar they created in their grandest vision (model perfect!) acquires admirers they may believe they would never have attracted in their real life (not also considering that the men probably look nothing like their avatar).

Here is the science/psychology part, but I'll try to make it interesting.  When engaged in a virtual version of a physical act (hugging, kissing, sex) our brains respond the same way they would if we were actually touching (google "mirror neurons" if you're bored). The endorphins released when completely engaged in a sexual act (those aches and tingles that get your RL butt sliding around in the chair) give the same feeling mothers have when bonding to their baby. (As an aside, the longer you are engaged in these acts per session per day further solidifies that "bonded" feeling) It is this reason, I believe, that so many women become "attached" to their SL partners in a way that devastates them in RL when the relationship ends. They have absolutely no idea how it happened, but they can not seem to shake it. Of course not, nature designed women to "attach" to those with whom they connect in this way. The next thing you know she is wandering the grid, either creating drama for the man and his new chick (hoping he'll come back), or searching tirelessly to find another who can fill that void (or both).

I have learned that it is much easier and a lot healthier to leave SL altogether for an extended period after something like this to allow yourself to stabilize and get clear about what is really important in your life. If you hope for a sustainable quality relationship in second life you'll find that its just not possible. Relationships that endure in SL are extended to RL. (i.e., couples that met on the grid and then in RL and are now together, or couples who came to SL together from RL) Expecting anything more than a "fun time" for a brief period, is not realistic... its fantasy. If you are lonely RL, you will not resolve that in SL... not in a meaningful way that supports your continued growth and development. If you long for a loving connection, significant, enduring partnership, you are much better off focusing on creating that in your real life beginning with loving yourself and acknowledging that you are worthy of having that and then making whatever changes are necessary in your life for that to manifest. Like attracts like... BE the person you want to attract... and he will find you!

Peace and many blessings...

p.s. I recently watched a children's cartoon called "Adventure Time" titled "All the Little People (Episode 5) while combing my daughter's hair. This episode is so profoundly relevant to this post that if you are able to find the full episode it is worth the view... Namaste <3


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