Loving You Always... (Synthesis Note [27])

Song of the Moment: "As" by Stevie Wonder (lyrics below)

Yesterday I sent out a note to the group. Later in the day, I received a note from a member indicating that he was leaving the group. In his note, he explained: " I am not comfortable when people are so openly expressing deep personal feelings like love and fear and doubt towards relatively strangers. And that we are, we members of your group. In the Netherlands we only say I LOVE YOU to very intimate friends." He attributed this to cultural differences as I am from the US. The writer went on to say that he felt that in the discussions, the quality of the input from other members may be less than insightful "... I see a lot of superficial 'acting out' of being spiritual and feeling persons with some of the group members. Saying you appreciate and even love each other a lot does not make it more real, I fear."

My initial response to the writer, although supportive and affirmative relative to my desire to remain connected, was very defensive. I felt attacked and felt the members who I love so dearly were also being attacked and so I drew a line around myself (and the group) and commented: "... [I] believe...a true connection is... free of any conditions or stipulations around how they should or should not behave to validate my (desire) to feel connected to them. With that said, I respect your choice and affirm my relationship with you (smile)...Membership is optional...love and acceptance (at least until love is possible) is required."

As I reflected on this exchange later, I realized that I was being just as judgmental and segregative as I'd perceived the writer to be. I had missed an opportunity to connect with him, in the way I have always supported and encouraged in others. After all, he didn’t have to write me a note at all. He could have simply left the group. In my introspection, I understood that despite what I perceived the words to mean, that this was a reaching out. This member has not attended the discussions, but I would assume has kept track of them via the webposts. I also could not recall a time when I have conversed with him on a personal level. This might seem insignificant, as there are many members in the group with whom I have not interacted with on a personal level, but the fact that he took the time to compose a well articulated message to me says something...more than I was willing to acknowledge in my initial defensiveness.

Drawing lines, making judgments, separation …are against everything I believe. I will accept his choice, of course… but will release any feelings of discontent around the experience. That is what love IS. I will not stop loving him... I will not stop loving YOU, because IMHO love is ALWAYS the answer... ALWAYS. We are so interdependent upon one another. It was divinely indoctrinated. No wo/man is an island, although socially we may feel that way sometimes. I attribute the growth of the group less to anything I have done (other than provide a means to come together) but more because people feel connected to something. I think members feel affirmed, cared for, validated.. but most importantly, not alone.

Thank you for being a part of the group...
Thank you for being willing to connect with one another...
Thank you for being....and loving!

Peace & blessings with LOVE
Acu
XOXO

"As" by Stevie Wonder

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I'll be loving you always
As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I'll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky---ALWAYS
Until the ocean covers every mountain high---ALWAYS
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea---ALWAYS
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
Just as time knew to move on since the beginning
And the seasons know exactly when to change
Just as kindness knows no shame
Know through all your joy and pain
That I'll be loving you always
As today I know I'm living but tomorrow
Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear
For I'll know deep in my mind
The love of me I've left behind Cause I'll be loving you always

Until the day is night and night becomes the day---ALWAYS
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away---ALWAYS
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4---ALWAYS
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Did you know that you're loved by somebody?
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left---ALWAYS
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
I'll be loving you forever
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through---ALWAYS
Until the day that you are me and I am you---ALWAYS
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky~~ALWAYS

We all know sometimes lifes hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet you life times that and twice its double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed
so make sure when you say you're in it but not of it
You're not helping to make this earth a place sometimes called Hell
Change your words into truths and then change that truth into love
And maybe our children's grandchildren
And their great-great grandchildren will tell
I'll be loving you

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky--Loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high--Loving you
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea--Loving you
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream--Be loving you
Until the day is night and night becomes the day--Loving you
Until the trees and seas up, up and fly away--Loving you
Until the day that 8x8x8x8 is 4--Loving you
Until the day that is the day that are no more--Loving you
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left--Be loving you
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself--Loving you
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through--Loving you
Until the day that you are me and I am you--
Now ain't that loving you
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Ain't that loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
And I've got to say always

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Born Again (Synthesis Note [26])

Song of the Moment: "Born Again" V feat. Jill Scott (lyrics below)

As I've moved toward self evolution and away from compulsions which don't serve either of my lives (1st or 2nd), I've begun to expand my online presence outside the walls of SL. Yesterday, I was playing around with my new twitter subscription and one of my followers posted a URL for an article about SL (http://tinyurl.com/b82few). The article itself was not all that intriguing, as I find most people outside of the grid really don’t understand what is happening here for us residents. It was a comment posted by a user however, that threatened to take me back in my progress of integrating online with RL. He/she posted quite judgmentally: "I guess when you don't have a real-life you have to make one up online and pay for it on top of it... Alot of sad individuals out there.  I count my blessings everyday that I have a good job, good friends and good family and not have to resort to a fantasy world to fulfill my happiness." 

It is comments like these that chase me into thoughts of guilt and shame about my relationship with SL, which I've battled for most of my time here. Thoughts of being "less than" because of fear about what "outsiders" would think of my second life. In my self-condemnation after reading this post, I failed to acknowledge that the person writing 1) posted to an online forum; 2) anonymously; 3) in an effort to be acknowledged in his/her online presence. 


How hypocritical I finally realized!


I've focused so much effort and attention on making the fragments that are my first and second life a singularity. The irony is, every aspect of my RL is compartmentalized and before SL, I always thought this was healthy.  As I was chatting with my SL friend Reflection Freenote, he put it this way: "yes, it is dissociative in the moment, but the overall fabric is maintained through a sense of acceptance of fragmentation, and the awareness that all the pieces have of all the others:))"


Yeah! What he said! (grin) In recent weeks, I've let go of a lot... with SL on the top of my list of things NOT to do despite its place in the corner of my heart as a "thing to hold on to." I think I've been focused on letting go of the wrong thing. It is the judgments, criticisms and self-doubt that no longer serve me... in any life. I don’t expect my Caucasian friends to fully understand my experience as an African-American, (even when they try too) but I still love them, and don’t judge them for it. Why should I expect any different in my relationships with offline friends relative to my SL?


SL is just another source of love, support, self-fulfillment and connectedness. Acu was created in my RL likeness (personality wise [grin]), and although she is able to explore parts of me that may be unavailable RL, I always reserve the right to create that same aspect of me in my RL. It is all love…, a closed cycle, complete, perfect with both ups and downs. I envision the symbol for infinity turned up…cycling up and down to return up again, never ending..... 
the valleys …
and mountain tops…
and dives to the valley again... 
Blessing each experience 
As birth, life, death, resurrection... Born Again.


With love peace and blessings INFINATELY…
Acu  XOXO


"Born Again" by V. feat. Jill Scott


I'm Born Again
Your Living Water never ends
I'm Born Again
Your Living Water never ends


I used to be so sad
but now a days I bathe inside your love
I can't get away
My eyes now tell a story
how lonely days no longer rule my life
now that you're with me
Never forget that day
I first decided, said "how 'bout it?" to myself
and took a leap of faith
No disappointments today
'cuz everything I've ever wanted
is inside your rain.


CHORUS
I'm Born Again (Baptized by your spirit)
Your Living Water (It's because of you)
I'm Born Again (but now I can feel it)
Your Living Water never ends


You made me change my ways
and I'm so glad I found someone
who can quench my thirst.
Had problems before you came in my life
now the problems in my life 
are washed away
A new beginning you have given me
all sins are forgiven, evening if I'm not worthy
Tranquility feels so good to me
Drenched by your majesty, I'm soak and wet


CHORUS


(J. Scott interlude to fade)


Captured...I'm captured


Write it down(so lost)...to rest 
Page for page (this existence) 
(I am so lost inside this ... miracle)
and by no measure (capture this) can I comprehend delicious-THIS
(Create me all over again just to experience this)


This experience ...captured and I come (so satisfying)
I am so emoted...let me KNOW


Book after book could not possibly fit
(Can't even begin) capture this love
I would start all over again...

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (25): The Resurrection

Song of the Moment:  "My Life" Mary J. Blige  (Yamama’nym Remake)

In my life, I’ve tried to live authentically. To be the best I could be and to live by the creed “do the right thing.” When I found SL, I discovered a place to be “inauthentic,” and explore sides of me I had not previously examined or entertained. Having reached what I thought was the top of the mountain, I leaped from the peaks deep into the valley like a droplet racing the waterfall down hill. For more than a year I immersed myself in this world swimming among others, exploring the depths of my soul. Here I  discovered ocean trenches: places so deep that I felt my life had imploded…

I have often joked about the idea of my Second Life being an addiction. In-world the word is thrown about casually and usually in jest. I realized that I spent an extraordinary amount of time logged in, but shook it off as an earned indulgence for the hectic RL I was living. Slowly I pulled away from the monotony spending less time away from home, then at work, then at my church and with friends. I’d log on, meet up with online friends who were doing the same thing and enjoy exploring the grid, and my inner most fantasies. At some point, however,  I realized that I needed to integrate my 1st and 2nd lives and invited my RL husband to join me in an effort to synthesize, but even that did not slow my free fall. There were aspects of my SL that I wanted to keep to myself…my escape and refuge.

…and then one day I stopped, looked around and realized that I had forgotten my way home. At that moment, I realize that in my seclusion, it was dark and I became afraid that I might not make it back. For the next year, I struggled against the water to swim upstream, desperate, tired and afraid. I wanted to go back to the peak, to climb out of the rabbit hole. I asked myself, “What is it that keeps me here?” I realized that when I wasn’t logged in, I wanted to be in-world. My thoughts kept me longing for my next SL adventure and during especially stressful times I felt agitated and irritable if unable to access my special, private space. Logging in was a relief…a release.

When finally I made that realization, I also accepted that I was lost. Addiction at its core is about isolating and guarding compulsive activity against the other aspects of one’s life. Overcoming it, means releasing the anxieties and frustrations locked inside the habit and mastering rather than suppressing them…it is resurrecting the abandoned self and creating a healthy marriage with the isolated self…reclaiming the isolated self back into the mainstream of one’s identity.

…but how did I get here in the first place? If I were able to master my fears, frustrations and anxieties I wouldn’t be in this predicament!

…and so with no plausible idea for how to get back to the peak, and unsuccessful in my efforts to swim upstream

I Surrender

… and ask that something greater than “I” take over…and in that release, I am flowing, freely embracing the current which cycles me through the crashing tides to a gentle, restful stream which nurtures me. In my open admission and voice, people in RL and SL come to my side to offer support, reassurance and comfort…divinely guided to my path to assist me in this journey. We assist one another, and grow…”flow” together.

…and in that space of quiet contemplation and open space, I rediscover who I am and begin to move toward a rebirth,

…finding rest in the SYNERGY.

In love…Bless XOXO
Acu

"My Life" Mary J. Blige
(Yamama’myn Remake)

Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin’ down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

And you'll be at peace with yourself
You won't really need no one else
Except for the man up above
Because He'll give you love

[Chorus]
If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
My life, my life, my life

[Verse 2]
Take your time
Baby don't you rush a thing
Don't you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
And if you don't believe in me
Just believe in "He"

Cause He'll give you peace of mind
Yes He will
And you'll see the sunshine
For real, yes you would
And you'll get to free your mind
And things will turn out fine
Oh, I know that things will turn out fine
Yes they would, yes they would

[Chorus to Music interlude]
  (In the Sunshine)

All you gotta do is take your time,
And you will see the sunshine
One day at a time
Then you will see the sunshine
If you take it one day at a time
If you look into my life

[Chorus]

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (24): *I* Set ME Free

Song of the Moment: "Sojourn of Arjuna" by Bela Fleck & the Flecktones

It has been sometime since I've written a note. In recent months I've been seriously contemplating the meaning of my life... first and second. My relationship with SL continues to be a battle, for which I have consistently sought a peaceful resolve. There are no words to express what I have gained and lost in my time here and in a few days, I will meet my rez day for the second time. I began the SL/RL Relationships Group discussions as I sought answers around SL relationships and only recently have I discovered that it is my relationship with SL that is of primary concern and importance for me.

The question has always been, "Who am I and what am I supposed to be doing?" I grew so tired of the rigor of RL and the constant anxiety around fulfilling some societal, predetermined life purpose, that ultimately I was forced to surrendering to something outside of myself (out of my realm of control) to give me guidance and direction.  It was then that I found SL. The connections I have made here have filled me with joy, fear, pain. Through exploration and experimentation, I have experienced many of the fantasies and ideals I had convinced myself would fulfill my RL if given the opportunity. I learned, however, that many of these fantasies were more facades which only continued to distort my view of who I am and my purpose for being. Regardless of who I pretended to be, the end result was always the same...a feeling of being unfulfilled.

I believe that I chose my life journey, prior to being conceived (human and avatar). That some how I was predestined to walk this path of self-discovery over the infinite possibilities. To discover my "self"... who it is I am destined to be. As I've traveled, however, I have been waiting for this discovery as though it would just show up one day and set me free. I would have arrived at my destination, achieved the goal! What I am beginning to understand, is that life is not a destination or discovery....it is a CHOICE, a decision, a process of creation. I am learning that I can create whatever life I want in each moment if I can let go of needing to control the outcome. Letting go of the disappointment of things not turning out exactly as I had planned, but accepting and appreciating that I may be (co)creating something new, of which I would have never planned for or expected on my own. A partner and friend of the "Infinite" which reminds me that there are no mistakes.

 ... and with that understanding, I am accepting that the answer to my problems is knowing that each person, place or situation placed in my path is exactly the way it is supposed to be at that moment.

I am listening to my heart
      and in each moment
            making a choice
               stepping out on faith
                    and creating my journey.
Join me in manifesting destiny!

With love, peace and blessings
Acu
XOXO


"Sojourn of Arjuna" by Bela Fleck & the Flecktones

So Arjuna and Krishna
   you know they're hanging out on the battlefield
Arjuna is like tired of war,
   he's trying to get out of this battle
so Krishna drops a little science on him,
   he says "You know, it's the way of spiritual growth
    a man must go forth from where he stands
    he cannot jump to the absolute, he must evolve toward it."
Krishna says, "At any given moment in time we are what we are,
   Arjuna we have to accept the consequences of being ourselves
   and only through this acceptance can we begin to evolve further
   we may select the battleground but we cannot avoid the battle."

MUSIC INTERLUDE

so Krishna tells Arjuna,
   "It follows therefore that every action under certain circumstances
     and for certain people may actually be a stepping stone
     to spiritual growth."
Arjuna is to do the best he knows
in order to pass beyond that best to better
How can we prescribe our neighbors to be perfect
when it is so hard to know our own heart?

The pacifist must respect Arjuna
Arjuna must respect the pacifist.
Both are going toward the same goal.
If they are really sincere
There's an underlying solidarity between them
Which can be expressed
Each one follows without compromise the path upon which he finds himself
   for we can only help others to do their duty
   by doing what we ourselves believe to be right
   it is the one supremely social act.

So, Krishna's reply to Arjuna occupies the rest of the story
It deals not only with Arjuna's immediate personal problem
But the whole nature of action
The meaning of life
   and the aims for which man must struggle here on earth.

At the end of the conversation Arjuna has changed his mind
He's ready to fight, he's ready to go ahead on
It is the way of spiritual growth
   a man must go forward from where he stands
   he cannot jump to the absolute
   and the battle begins...

Read more »

SL/RL Synthesis Note (23): "Yes, We Can!"

Originally Posted 11/05/2008


Song of the Moment: “Believe” by Q-Tip feat. D’Angelo (lyrics below)

Yes We CAN!!!

November 5, 2008 - As I write this family, I am so emotional my hands are shaking. I am so filled with joy, hope, and love with what I witnessed yesterday and last night. The election yesterday wasn’t just about the man who won, but the power of unity. A collective of people united for a purpose.. and a dream conceived, manifested! You made this happen… YOU the person reading this… the vital one of the whole.

As I stood in line for over 2 hours in the rain to cast my ballot, my heart was overwhelmed by the diversity of the faces, many of them smiling…perfect strangers connecting with one another, each moved to have their individual voices heard.

For many, the idea of Barak Obama, being elected President seemed unreal, but for a united majority, there was hope and belief in the possibility. The most seemingly impossible things, in this grand universe of infinite possibilities, manifests when there is genuine *belief* that it CAN happen. Think about all that is tangible around you. Look up from your screen, look around you and appreciate the power of conception…of a dream! The very computer screen on which you are reading this now started only as a conceived idea, that then someone believed could actually be done, although at the time, they may not have been sure how.

It is only when “belief” comes forth that something within us is activated. It becomes TRUE for us and then we need only focus on the process to have that dream manifest.

Last night was a victory, but the battle is only just beginning. This transforming moment was full acknowledgement that we each have, as individuals, the ability to impact a greater whole. And so now, we must move as a united collective toward bringing about the change we all have made clear we want and need. It is not ONE man that will make the difference, but ONE CONSCIOUSNESS…the belief of the people that we can each make a difference and BE all that we dream of becoming.

It is my hope that what has happened here will inspire others in their belief about the power of the collective when each individual is united for change. We are all (and must continue to be) the moving force in this process. A time of apathy is behind us! We must be ready to support and encourage one another to maintain this trust in change and belief in its manifestation.

Today, however, lets rejoice in our victory….. our UNITY… we are One, under God, INDIVISIBLE. Together we STAND!

One love… Bless XOXO
Acu

“Believe” by Q-Tip feat. D’Angelo

I BELIEVE
  That’s love (that’s love)
I BELIEVE
  That’s love
I BELIEVE
  That’s love (that’s love)
I BELIEVE
  That’s love (that’s love)

I BELIEVE above

Of the things you believe
There’s a whole lot of work,
  we should roll up our sleeves
  and we got to hold firm
  we’re unfaithful while conceiving
Why doubt your plans
  ‘cause its all worth believing
We can make it work – do believe that
Leave mistrust in the dust
  and believe that
 we can achieve tact
By tuning out negative feedback
 Macicist can hate
  we concentrate to bring belief back
  and to ourselves and to the world,
  and to the rap game – MCs are miserable,
  they’re muse emotional, even light remains
Man look we holding out for the truth
If we're alone and aloof
We gonna hold for the proof
Man put it and believe it
Believe in believing
Seeing ain’t believing
It’s the feeling that we’re needing
Believe in each other
Put the question to the system
They promise and return? then question what your gettin’
We should believe in the reasons we existing
Time for renaissance to reawaken what is within
Belief can confirm, make it is when it isn’t
Sometimes I wish I had belief when I didn’t

I BELIEVE
  That’s love (that’s love)
I BELIEVE
  That’s love

In the land of make believe
Tryin’ to make ‘em believe the unbelievable
Taking believe to the realm of the real
Believe in the shit that’s force fed through the media
Believing its real, when it’s really a raw deal
Never disbelieve when you see human miracle
Like ghetto children shining bright in Babylon
Believing that
Don’t believe in stat.s
  To the contrary – you gotta be weary of those theories
Carry On

People find belief when they don’t find identity
Believe in your friends, don’t believe in your enemies
Mountains of doubt and disbelief are in front of you
TRUTH’s on the other side, what you gonna do?

Oooo I BE-LI-EVE ooo that’s love (that’s love)
Oooo I BE-LI-EVE ooo that’s love (that’s love)

Read more »

SL/RL Synthesis Note (22): "Yeah, ... but LOVE don't pay the RENT!?!"

Originally posted 10/18/2008


Song of the Moment: "Love Will" Ra-Re Valverde (feat. Paul Harder)
(lyrics below)

Over a year ago I awoke from a nightmare when I finally asked the question "what exactly is the point of it all?" Having reached all that my grandparents insisted I achieve "college educated, married, career mother of 2.5 kids (a daughter and boy/girl twins ~complete with the material accessories)," I felt disconnected, numb and unhappy.

It all felt pointless until I reevaluated what success is. It is so easy to overlook your blessings and be ungracious when you are focused on all the things you still need to acquire. In this constant striving, it is as though we are always seeking something more, many times at another’s expense. It amazes me how those who seemingly "have it all" seem to be just as unhappy as the rest of us, so I again question the point.

In the United States the consciousness is shifting, a move away from stagnation as people are craving change...something new, hope in a promise of Unity, collaboration, awareness and growth. When we begin to focus on this for our own lives, one by one this shift becomes more evident as groups, communities, a NATION begins asking the same question.

The answer...is always Love. Love of oneself, love of another, love for each other, love of our environment. It isn't just a "feeling," it is a state of BEING. When centered in it, there is a level of clarity and certainty that is unparalleled as it serves as the foundation for how we make decisions, how we treat others, the way we live our lives.

I realize that love in and of itself won't pay my bills. As much as I'd like to dedicate my entire life to spreading love and connection, unless I get paid for some aspect of it, I place my family at a disadvantage. However, I have faith in what loving and supporting others (versus competing with and undermining them) will allow me to build through the connections I make with people placed in my path. I TRUST the infinite nature of the universe and am grounded in the idea that there is enough for everyone if we are open to being connected as opposed to seeking ways to segregate from one another.

Being open to each person's insight helps me to remember that anything I aspire to achieve is possible. Where I am ignorant, you have knowledge. Like pieces of a puzzle, we fit together to create greater wisdom...but we must come together. No success is achieved alone and every question I ask is often answered if I am attentive and receptive to the people surrounding me.

More important than what we own, is how enriched our lives are through our relationships with others. It is relationship with another that creates learning, healing and growth in our lives...individually and collectively.

There is power in Unity...
                the power in becoming One.

Blessed love XOXO
Acu

                     VOTE~VOTE~~VOTE~~VOTE~~VOTE
                   +*✰*+*'*•.¸(*•.¸♥¸.•*´)¸.•*'+*✰*+
                    ♥«´¨`°• OBAMA/BIDEN °•´¨`»♥
                                             2008
                      +*✰*.¸.•*(¸.•*´♥`*•.¸)`*•.¸.+*✰*
                      VOTE~VOTE~~VOTE~~VOTE~~VOTE
                    
"Love Will" Ra-Re Valverde (feat. Paul Harder)

Mailbox is filled
Bill collectors wanting a piece
    of my dream
I'm holding on to what's left of me
I just gotta make it
Watching MTV lifestyles
    of the quick and famous
So how do I measure
    what's important to me

Cuz its the little things
Like knowing that somebody
    Needs me
The rest will come in due time
I know its the little things
Like knowing how this love can feed me
   and keep me high!

CHORUS
What happens when love don't pay the bills
How will we get by on the feeling
Who's gonna understand how hard we try
What happens when love don't pay the rent
and all the money's spent
Who's gonna understand the time
I'm telling you        LOVE will

Questioning...
How long will she stay
If my pen don't win
Is reality poverty?
   and if so, should I sign my life away
   to only gain
Pennies and  loose change

Cuz its the little things
Like knowing that somebody
    needs me
The rest will come in due time
I know its the little things
Like knowing how this love can feed me
   and keep me high!

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Love will...
 get by
You will make it by
When we get by on love

We'll get by
We'll make it by
When we get by on love

We'll make it
We'll make it by

CHORUS

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (21): "The Day *I* Died"

Song of the Moment: "Love's Victory" by Ronnie Laws (lyrics below)

As most of you know, I recently entered my darkest hour. There had been many seasons of darkness before it, but this by far was my deepest test of Truth. You know, at every crossroad, I have tried to examine the paths to understand the lesson and in choosing my direction, always felt *I* had finally turned the last corner...that bliss was just ahead in the distance. What I failed to realize is that on this journey, each crossroad forced a chipping away at a heavy load I have carried for a long time.

In this last stop in the road, there was little left and *I* felt defeated . All that was left, was that which I most used to define my SELF. Surely *I* had done enough…had worked hard and *I* was ready for the reward. However, there was part of me that *I* has defended, shielded and protected that *I* continued to hold onto tightly.

My relationships! ...feeding into them with the expectation that the bliss I sought would be returned....but in this last moment of darkness *I* felt lost... there were no words, no answers...NOTHING and so...

*I* LET GO....

Pain no longer paralyzed me... I let go, willing to accept whatever the consequences might be. And so there I stood, completely naked, dead to everything around me. First the fear reared its head once more and when I realized there was nothing left to lose, an overwhelming feeling of peace came over me.

There is a saying that "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground,... it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." In this last surrender *I* was set free. My dependence on all things external for my sense of well being, self and gratitude GONE.

Beyond this moment? …my friends, love ones, SL family (damn have you all come through) have remained by my side... and all others fallen away. In that "empty" space a new love was created and born of it, more love to give... to receive.

Have I struggled since then? C'mon... YES ... but the experience of "grace" has given those struggles new meaning now. I understand that if I release it, accept it for what it is, and move only when I am able (being still and enjoying what  *can* do in each moment) that my days are less painful and problems... well no need to make "something" out of "nothing" at all.

In the flow.... care to join me (winks)

With overwhelming love,
Acu

"Love's Victory" by Ronnie Laws

Love is...
so good to me
Bring back sweet memories
You help to ease my mind
Such joy, never knew I'd find

I will celebrate love's victory

I feel an eternity
So close as you'll always be
Tears and pain can't get in my way
You gave me a brand new day

I will celebrate love's victory

(Music Interlude)

I will celebrate love's victory

Love is…
so good to me
Bring back sweet memories
You help to ease my mind
Such joy, never knew I'd find

I will celebrate love's victory

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