Showing posts with label Love Lost. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Lost. Show all posts

Saturday, December 31, 2011

SL/RL Synthesis Note (46): “Auld Lang Syne” Welcome 2012!

The song "Auld Lang Syne" has come a long way from its Scottish roots and is roughly translated as "old long since", or “for (the sake of) old times.”

Singing it as we bring in the New Year should remind us that times and experience past are good indicators to us of what things we should seek or avoid as we begin again, renewing another year.

Accepting change is probably one of life’s most difficult tasks. Even positive change sometimes produces in us feelings of grief and regret. However, it is the contrast of experiencing something new that allows us to grow …EVOLVE!...in heart, mind and spirit.

There have been things in my Second Life that no matter how many times I have thought, said, and believed that I let go, the memories always bring me back to where it felt I had begun. What I am appreciating NOW, is that it is the memories of the “joy and bliss” that keep me wanting. Each return, however, has provided a new opportunity to look back and review what had previously been a faulty understanding and allowed me to view it through a new, more enlightened lens. It is what forgiveness and healing look like in action.
"Mending a Broken Heart" by LaffyTaff247

The lyrics to this traditional song have new meaning for me as I enter the New Year. I am willing to accept the grief that comes with the loss of something…someone so dear to the heart you believe you can never move on. I resolve to find focus and contentment in connecting to the best and brightest in myself. I invite you to join me and let your light shine!

And should old acquaintances be forgot, and never brought to mind?

Of course not.

Keep old friends near, hold on to the pleasure of joyful memories of love, and allow them both to help you through the changes in your life that will produce miracles.

Peace and many blessings in 2012
Always and All Ways (RMD)

I Love You

Happy New Year! :)
Acu


Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;

The flames of Love extinguished,

and fully past and gone:

Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,

that loving Breast of thine;

That thou canst never once reflect
on
Old long syne.

CHORUS:
On Old long syne my Jo,
in Old long syne,
That thou canst never once reflect,
on Old long syne.

My Heart is ravisht with delight,
when thee I think upon;

All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight,

and speedily is gone;

The bright resemblance of thy Face,

so fills this, Heart of mine;

That Force nor Fate can me displease,
for Old long syne.
CHORUS
Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief,

when from thee I am gone;

will not thy presence yield relief,

to this sad Heart of mine:

Why doth thy presence me defeat,

with excellence divine?

Especially when I reflect
on Old long syne
CHORUS

Friday, March 18, 2011

"The Chasm" a poem

The chasm
Nearly swallowed me
It was so dark
I could not see

My eyes were closed
My conscious shifted
I felt your presence
I nearly drifted

Into a cold and weary end
My heart was broken
It would not mend

But in the wind
I heard you say
“There is a gap
So I will stay

‘til you are ready
to leave this place
I’ll stand in this gap
And keep you safe.”

I felt alone
‘though alone I’m not
I could not make
The intense pain stop

Your hand extended
I could not see
Though it was
Right in front of me

I felt afraid
The hurt so deep
I could not eat
I could not sleep

Slowly began
To fall away
Into the gap
“Take me...” I pray

and then I saw a silhouette
Ahazy vision
Interrupts regret

This gentle light
I could not see
Begins to grow
Envelopes me

And from within
There is a feeling
Familiar but distant
It is a healing

So from the chasm
I turn to You
Feel Your embrace
Finally a breakthrough

Love’s never lost
But sometimes displaced
It leaves path
That can be retraced

The light now glowing
I clearly see
The arms of Love
…have set me free…

 ©Acuminous Watanabe

SL/RL Synthesis Note (41): "Fall ...In Love"

Song of the Moment: “Fall In Love With Me” by Earth, Wind & Fire
Lyrics & Youtube Link below

I am crying as I write this note to you, but promise that I am smiling. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU and THANK YOU again for all of you who have contacted me directly, or indirectly with loving sentiments and energy to offer support during my grief.

::pauses to catch her breath again and to allow the feelings to flow::

For the past month, I have been so grief stricken, down on myself, and feeling the pain of love lost. I have been diligently searching my feelings inventory for the script for deleting the pain of love. Despite the constant support of friends and family, I have been so focused on feeling trapped by the closed door in front of me that I’ve all but ignored many open windows around me. I’ve felt scared and afraid to love again, placing distance between me and the opportunity to be healed by everything else offering hope and promise of freedom from my grief.

Last night, I finally remembered a string of previous experiences that matched my current level of distress perfectly. In each case I realized that I loved those people HARD, like I love all people… but the difference was that they walked away from that love. Each of them, I believe, had never experienced such unconditional and genuine love and intense expressions of those feelings, as I tend to provide. For me, LOVE is always the answer.. it is always, always, ALWAYS the answer and so through it all I will love you. I will always love you, although sometimes forgiveness is required to maintain that love.

I have been hiding out, holding myself back, unsure if I can handle loving like that again. It hurts… a lot! ..but I reflected back again and realized that each of those painful experiences allowed me to grow. Each time, each person came back.. and helped me to know that I was a good person, and helped them in some way during our time together. I appreciated how they had helped me too, because I realized that the only motivator for change and growth in ones life is for something to go “wrong” (even if only perceptually so) otherwise, why would we WANT to change course in our lives.

Thank you for helping me to know, through your words and encouragement, that somehow I have touched some of you. I am eternally grateful that in return, so many of you rallied around me to help me to know I am loved reinforcing my belief in interdependence and reciprocal love and connectedness.

I heard the Song of the Moment this morning on my way home from dropping the kids off to school. I have been chanting the refrain “I can pick you up turn your life around, if you fall in love with me…” over and over.  There is also a lyric in the song that says “In love with me, find yourself a part of me… …In love with me help yourself to all of me”

I am in love with you… each of you… falling…

Love is the answer… ALWAYS the answer… I don’t have to be afraid… I can FALL in LOVE with you… and you with me! :D

::/me JUMPS...floats ...and smiles::

Forever and Ever… I love you XO
Acu

“Fall In Love With Me” by Earth, Wind & Fire

Listen via Youtube Here!

I can tell you that love
Is too deep to be played on
Down the line, you'd find
Time would reveal who to count on
I'm well inclined to use the lines
That comes from the learning tree
Let the seed that grows, and ages old
Give us our destiny

Baby, you know, I could pick you up
Turn your life around
If you fall in love with me
I would build you up, never let you down
If you fall in love with me

If you're having second thoughts from the past
I can cool you out
I've been there before, right down to the core
I can sing and shout
I can't hold back what I feel
I bring experience
I'll be your rock when Gibraltar falls
Baby, give me a cause

Baby, you know, I could pick you up
Turn your life around
If you fall in love with me
I would build you up, never let you down
If you fall in love with me
Baby, in love with me, find yourself a part of me
Baby, in love with me, help yourself to all of me

I've got your number and I wanna shout
I dig you baby, come and check me out

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

SL/RL Synthesis Note (40): "Surviving Hell's Fire"

Song of the Moment: “Thankful” by Meshell N‘degeocello
(Lyrics and Youtube Link Below)

There is a lyric from a favorite song of mine that says "…And hellfire's a promise away I'd still be saying…I'm still in love” The song is about a man who is in love with a woman who is already taken by another man. He sings of the joy this woman brings, but also expresses his tortured frustration that the “hands of fate” did not allow them to find each other first. He acknowledges that he knows this relationship is doomed, hence “hell’s fire”, but he is willing to risk it, to be with her, even if just for this time. Pretty romantic stuff…

I will probably get some flack, for saying this, but in my own spiritual belief, I don’t define Hell (or Heaven for that matter) as a place, but rather a state of being at various points in our lifetime. Hell is the consequence for SIN which I believe stands for “self inflicted nonsense” since being in hell is a personal experience based upon what I am thinking, doing and feeling. One of my favorite classic writings is Dante’s epic poem “The Divine Comedy”. The cantos from this work are often falsely attributed to the bible and used to “shame” practitioners away from certain behaviors. It should more accurately be seen as an allegory of the soul's journey towards God, or “Divine Peace”. The “Divine Comedy” is given credit for Christianity’s understanding of hell, purgatory and the seven deadly sins (or 7 roots of sinfulness). The origins can be traced back much farther than that…but that’s another note…. Anyway, purgatory is described as the place between heaven and hell where we are stuck in the “mind” of  sin… the place where thoughts lead to the actions which promise to bring us to Hell’s fire or deliver us into Heaven.

I have toyed with the idea of Second Life as my own purgatory. In the last few months, I have lost 3 people in SL who were very close and dear to me. The most devastating was very recent, (and probably the best for both of us), but is tremendously painful to grieve. Last night, I encountered this person off the grid, accidentally, and was devastated that I wasn’t even acknowledged. There were no words exchanged, (other than my genuine greeting and expression of love), so after the silence I was left only with my thoughts about what that lack of acknowledgement meant. I could have decided, it was a technical issue, but instead, I completely tanked resulting in an hour or so of grief stricken sorrow and self-doubt. It was hell… you can’t tell me that was not hell, although it was absent of the fire and brimstone I’d heard so much about in Sunday school. When I tried to decide what SINs I had committed (my mind to), I decided gluttony (over indulgence of anything to the point of waste) and sloth (failure to utilize one's talents and gifts) continue to keep me in this Hell like state.

I was initially attracted to Second Life for the social richness relationships provide here. The grid gives me access to people of different cultures, beliefs, lifestyles, ways of being, thinking and feelings that add to my experience in both lives when shared. The love, passion and grief developing those relationships offer me are unparalleled. However, being in two places at once has its benefits and consequences.

Freedom (and deliverance) from my Self Inflicted Nonsense, according to the poem, is marked by joy, courtesy, and service. Although Second life provides opportunities for all of these, the balance between gluttony and sloth versus temperance and diligence are challenging ones for me. It is EXCESS that turns something beautiful into something perverted and SIN-FULL. Balance will deliver me. I help HARD, I grieve HARD, I love HARD, as anyone who is close to me will attest too. I am so busy giving, though, that I am left empty, spent, feeling used…and wrapped in SIN.

It is equilibrium that I seek, faithful that it will provide space for me to RECEIVE in a reciprocal way so that all my relationships are able to grow in a healthy way. The feelings of happiness, disappointment, pleasure and pain that allow me to EXPERIECE life, in a way I never could in ONE place…country, state, city, neighborhood, house…and so more quickly than ever before, when “the student is ready, a teacher will arrive.” If the lesson is patience, he will force me to wait; if the lesson is faith she will leave me so that I am left wanting; if the lesson is peace, he will tear my world apart so that I am left only with those pieces that continue to serve me, allowing me to let go of those that don’t any longer. Relationships allow me to LIVE these ideals, to feel them, understand them and make use of these states of being in a way I could not learn, any other way.

As I grow, I endeavor to be grounded in reality, …but liberated virtually!

With Love XO
Acu

“Thankful” by Meshell N‘degeocello
Listen via YouTube HERE :-)

just wanna be happy

mother&*©#ers like fancy things
big houses,
big cars,
like movie stars
gotta have everything
numb myself to the suffering

just wanna be happy
and thankful
not just
try to get through
just wanna be happy,
thankful
not just
try to get through

should i lie
should i cheat
turn on my tv
tell me what i want,
what i need
i lose my faith sometimes
i lose my faith sometimes, yeah

so much suffering for
fancy cars,
big houses,
everything
i lose my faith sometimes
i lose my faith sometimes, yeah

just want to be happy
and thankful
not just
try to get through

just want to be happy
and thankful
just want to be happy
and thankful
try to get through

you're all i need
lay your burden down
ease my sadness
you're all i need

i lose my faith sometimes
i lose faith sometimes
just trying to get through
i lose faith sometimes

you're all i need
lay your burden down
i lose faith sometimes
you're all i need
i'm thankful
that i feel you

ease your sadness
you're all i need
lay your burden down
ease my sadness
you're all i need
lay my burden down

i laid my burden down.

Free Yale University Video Course on the Divine Comedy can be viewed here!

Monday, September 20, 2010

One Too (a Poem)

I lie here, face wet
the pillow tear stained
My heart feels so hollow
Enfolded with pain

So tired of longing
I pray for release
My thoughts feed the darkness
I've no sense of peace

My worth again measured
by my place in your life
Living secondary
Brings some comfort from strife

When life goes wrong, you come to me
I'm always here, I'm always free
Always longing, I know not to ask
Better than nothing, better than last

I must accept my place in line
I am not first
Neither three nor seven nor nine
Second means victory isn't my fate
but I will get my turn, so I patiently wait

In the silence,
my mind begins to wonder
if you're even aware
of this burden I am under

Turning onto my back
tears stream down my face
I question my value
I question this race

I question my purpose
I question yours as well
...your place in my life
...how my life turned to hell

I am slowly realizing
that it's not only you
with all who surround me
I accept number two

Everyone else first
My sacrafice magnanimous
To give to myself
Would mean less me for Us

I finally ask myself
"why accept two?"
The universe is infinate
Infinate means part of you

I am realizing my fate
is not place holders in lines
its not second or first
Noone is behind

Its loving my Self,
and her and him and you
It is knowing ...I am One...
and that we are all One too

 ©Acuminous Watanabe

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sl/RL Synthesis Note (17) "Growing...PEACE by piece"

Song of the Moment: "Grown Apart" by Lisa Shaw

For almost a year and a half I have lived a significant part of my life in SL. In that time I've seen and experienced a lot. I've seen many places and people come full circle. It's a continuous cycle for "residents" here...those of us who become immersed in this virtual paradise or prison (dependant upon where you are in the cycle). I have created lasting relationships with many, a few of whom have left SL and I've never heard from again.  Their impression on my life, however, is everlasting.

We live here, we love here and if the circle is closed, we have learned.

Second Life can be such a euphoric experience. The limitlessness of this place allows so much exploration.  The inevitability of change, however, impacts us no matter where we are. As our second (and real) lives change, at each new stage we begin to ask ourselves "who is it I am, now that (fill in the blank) has happened." When we are forced to transition because of a change, we often view it as negative but more realistically, it offers an opportunity for growth. In the struggle to become more than we once were, we cling to the old and familiar out of fear of the unknown. This journey of self discovery however, must happen...it is the purpose of life.

When we are in relationship with another (romantic, platonic, parental) you are brought closer to self realization. That feeling!...you know the one... it overwhelms you...it feels so good!, so right. It is a connection of something greater than the two of you, experienced through you ... it must be because you *both* feel it. Then fear enters through the back door... fear that we'll lose this feeling and so we try to control it (either by controlling the person, or our interaction with them). The sad thing is, that in that control we lose the experience…that bliss is replaced by other feelings on the spectrum between love and fear (envy, jealousy, anger, etc.)

The reality is, love is abound. It is limitless and there is plenty to go 'round. The pain we feel is part of our growth. Learning the lessons that teach us who we TRULY are. The guiding words that we must sometimes hear from someone else (or in my case through music) because we are so focused in our heads trying to label, define and control it that we can't feel the voice speaking in our heart.

You *are* a divine presence in this world~virtual and real... you are worthy... you are peace.... you are love. You need only be STILL one moment to feel this truth within you.

Thank you for being a part of my SL life and cycle, and allowing me the honor of being part of yours.

We are love! XOXO

Peace and blessings...
Acu

"Grown Apart" by Lisa Shaw

NOW what cha doing to me
Findin' a way to live
Givin' it everything
NOW what cha doing to me
There's something inside of me
It's hopeful, but bittersweet.

I think in time you will see
The memories never fade
Tell me why feel the pain?
I really hope you agree
I did what I said I would
Doing the things I should

(Chorus)
Finally
I'm seeing clearer
Finally
We can be who we are

Now what cha doing to me
There's nothing to forgive
Giving it everything

Now what cha doing to me
We'll see what we want to see
Color the memory
I think it's time we let be
Things that we couldn't change
Won't make that mistake again!

God in my heart I believe
We do what we know we should
Heading to something good.

Finally
I'm seeing clearer
Finally
We can be who we are
Finally
The future seems nearer
Finally
We can be who we are

Inside of us,
Feels right but we trust nobody
You know it's time for us
To go our separate ways

Inside of us, feels right but trust noBODY
You know it's time to go our separate ways

Finally
Never knew it would be this hard
Didn't ever think that we would grow apart.
Never knew it would be so hard
Didn't ever think that we would grow apart.

 
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