One Too (a Poem)

I lie here, face wet
the pillow tear stained
My heart feels so hollow
Enfolded with pain

So tired of longing
I pray for release
My thoughts feed the darkness
I've no sense of peace

My worth again measured
by my place in your life
Living secondary
Brings some comfort from strife

When life goes wrong, you come to me
I'm always here, I'm always free
Always longing, I know not to ask
Better than nothing, better than last

I must accept my place in line
I am not first
Neither three nor seven nor nine
Second means victory isn't my fate
but I will get my turn, so I patiently wait

In the silence,
my mind begins to wonder
if you're even aware
of this burden I am under

Turning onto my back
tears stream down my face
I question my value
I question this race

I question my purpose
I question yours as well
...your place in my life
...how my life turned to hell

I am slowly realizing
that it's not only you
with all who surround me
I accept number two

Everyone else first
My sacrafice magnanimous
To give to myself
Would mean less me for Us

I finally ask myself
"why accept two?"
The universe is infinate
Infinate means part of you

I am realizing my fate
is not place holders in lines
its not second or first
Noone is behind

Its loving my Self,
and her and him and you
It is knowing ...I am One...
and that we are all One too

 ©Acuminous Watanabe

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (14): "IN LOVE... with my AVATAR!"

Song of the Moment: "Bittersweet" by Siji

What is true love and how do you know you've found it? The fairy tales tell us the prince comes, prepared to rescue a damsel from all her woes and the takes the princess away on a white horse into the sunset. Most of us have outgrown that ideal for love, although the prospect of finding or being a knight in shining armor sounds romantic.

I remember when I first began customizing my avatar, I took special care in choosing her skin, eyes and shape. A true work of art, I thought, when she was finally complete. As she moved through SL, exploring and taking part in things not possible in RL (for many reasons), I found myself wishing I could be "Acu" in RL...free and limitless in what she could do. I remember the first time she wore black latex. How exhilarating!  Outside of SL, however, how guilty were my thoughts to have felt such a thing. After all, that would NEVER be acceptable in my RL social circles. So the battle within began as I confronted all the self-inflicted nonsense [SIN! (wink)] and engaged in an ultimate releasing of self judgment to make way for acceptance! True LOVE...of Acu...of ME! How much easier, was it then, to begin to reject the judgments of others and feel the love ever present surrounding me?

Isn't love more than just the romance in our lives? Sometimes we are so lost in the pain of our romantic relationships and doubts about ourselves that we miss all the other expressions of love around us: friends and family who are there when needed, random acts of kindness we experience as we go through our day (a smile, a returned item we dropped while dazed, a warm "have a nice day" from a stranger) Many of us are willing to give love freely, yet are so resistant or distrustful of the love offered by others. Its difficult to trust and receive from another when we are unwilling to give/receive it from ourselves.

Love is... unconditional, nonjudgmental, acceptance. Romantic relationships help us feel this more intensely and passionately, but this often fades as we feel judgment from our partner or begin to place judgment on ourselves for being or not being something "other" than what we believe we should be.

Does true love exist? Why not ask yourSELF?

With love, peace and blessings...
Acu

"Bittersweet" by Siji
This bittersweet feeling
I have inside
Forbidden
Misleading
I can't deny it

You're gonna go away
and I'm wishfully thinking
You're here to stay
Deep on my thoughts
Girl you stay
Even though I deny it
For you alone I crave

The very arms that hold you close
Said I
Ought to trust and obey

Chorus:
This bittersweet feeling
I have inside
Forbidden
Misleading
I can't deny
This Bittersweet feeling
I can't describe it
So pleasing
Deceiving
Do or Die

Although you are miles away
This joyous feeling
Still remains
The better I stay away
I'll be forever tempted, yeah

Come whatever what may
Yet too great a price to pay

Chorus

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SL/RL Synthesis Note (13): "Innocent until MOVIN' BLISSFULLY"

Song of the Moment: "Miss Q'N" by Zap Mama (lyrics below)

I was talking with one of my four-year-old twins who refused to take off her princess costume for clothes I thought more appropriate for heading out. She told me, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a princess and I'll wear a long Cinderella gown all the time."  I encouraged her pointing out (in a way she understood) that there is nothng in this world you "CAN'T" do although there are some things she "can't yet" do due to physical, social and knowledge limitations. She finally agreed to wear the costume over her clothes. :))

It is curious to me how the innocence of childhood can be so profound. When we were young we believed that anything was possible. As we got older, and became laden with the responsibilities of being an adult and society's push to conform to a "norm" we slowly began to lose that feeling of limitlessness. We lose sight of who it is we feel strongly we want to be...to become. So then begins the process of trying to recapture the bliss of our youth. Our parents/caregivers are the first to set the foundation for our ability to realize these paths. Some of us are placed properly on our journey, but most of us begin far off course. We become engaged in many relationships: peers, teachers, authority figures who "help" us to know that we shouldn't be doing this or that. It is better to "BE" something else...and so we conform.

I have this theory that when each of us is born we have encoded in us, who it is we are to become. A doctor, a priest, a thief, a princess :)) and we are given all the emotional tools to be motivated by these paths and to follow them.  Why do I believe this happens? It is the relationships we have with one another -directly and indirectly- that facilitates our interdependence. We assist each other in realizing our true selves through our experiences with one another. The thief will steal from me and as a result I gain a feeling of appreciation for what I have. When she is caught, she (ideally perhaps) experiences remorse for her actions and its impact on another. These experiences create *life* and facilitate living, versus some grey existance where everything is constant and never changes. There must be contrasts in our experiences to make meaning of our lives and who we are. (The movies "Crash" and "Butterfly Effect" offer great examples of this)

We all want to be happy... to be loved. I think we sometimes fail to recognize that underlying all our thinking, motives, behavior is that one true drive. We tell ourselves all sorts of "things" will give us that. Money, a big house, a relationship...the reality is that those are a means to an end. Happiness...love...resides within. There is no tangible thing that can give it to us. Relationships (and the things we acquire) help us generate a feeling, but it is often fleeting. To access the sustaining feelings of happiness/love within, however, we must become clear about who it is we truly are.

It is interal drives, strong urges that guide us and it is up to us whether we yield to them and enjoy our journey or resist them to conform to something other than that which drives us.  Life is a journey, not a destination...follow your bliss!

In love and light...blessings!
Acu

"Miss Q'N" by Zap Mama

When I was a little child
I dreamed to be a princess
When I tried to be this princess
I dreamed to meet a prince

When I was this princess
I dreamed to be like a queen
When I was this princess
I dreamed to meet a prince

CHORUS
Traveling from the north to the south
Southern stories
South to the east, east to the west
We're all looking for the best
Traveling from the south to the north
Northern Stories
North to the east, east to the west
We're all looking for the best

When I met this prince, I dreamed to be a queen
When I tried to be this queen, I dreamed to meet a king
When I was with this prince, I dreamed to be a queen
When I was this queen, I didn't know what to do with this prince

CHORUS

When I was this queen
Like society tell us to be.
I realize that i was empty.
I was empty inside
When I was this queen
Fooled by corruptive behavior
I realized that I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be me

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