One Too (a Poem)

I lie here, face wet
the pillow tear stained
My heart feels so hollow
Enfolded with pain

So tired of longing
I pray for release
My thoughts feed the darkness
I've no sense of peace

My worth again measured
by my place in your life
Living secondary
Brings some comfort from strife

When life goes wrong, you come to me
I'm always here, I'm always free
Always longing, I know not to ask
Better than nothing, better than last

I must accept my place in line
I am not first
Neither three nor seven nor nine
Second means victory isn't my fate
but I will get my turn, so I patiently wait

In the silence,
my mind begins to wonder
if you're even aware
of this burden I am under

Turning onto my back
tears stream down my face
I question my value
I question this race

I question my purpose
I question yours as well
...your place in my life
...how my life turned to hell

I am slowly realizing
that it's not only you
with all who surround me
I accept number two

Everyone else first
My sacrafice magnanimous
To give to myself
Would mean less me for Us

I finally ask myself
"why accept two?"
The universe is infinate
Infinate means part of you

I am realizing my fate
is not place holders in lines
its not second or first
Noone is behind

Its loving my Self,
and her and him and you
It is knowing ...I am One...
and that we are all One too

 ©Acuminous Watanabe

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Synthesis Note (36): "A Lesson in Humility"

Song of the Moment: “Insane” Tamara Wellons  (lyrics below)

A Lesson in Humility

Trying to juggle two lives can be a crazy experience. The demands can be overwhelming. In recent months, I have felt more and more like I am going insane. Have you ever feIt that you’re trying to do the best you can, but often feel like it is never enough? I ask myself, that for all I try to be for others, why is life so difficult for ME? I have tried with great effort to search internally for the source of these feelings… to find and fix them, so that I can get on with my life in a happy and productive way. I am realizing that PRIDE, may be the culprit and that my understanding of what it means to be prideful, especially when in relationship, may have been significantly off.

I was talking to one of my best friends this morning about a devastating blow to my sense of self worth and value. The erosion of a relationship that has meant a lot to me has sent me into a tailspin. This relationship offered an opportunity for reciprocal love and affection, which is almost heretical for me. The break down was initiated by me, instigated by me and propagated by my thoughts of self righteousness and an attitude that “I am in complete control of my life, to include how others function with me, and that I need to manage difficult relationship situations by isolating myself.”

My friend listened attentively and provided loving support (God bless you Dainie Fraina) and when I began to ask “why me?” she gently replied “maybe this is a lesson in humility.” The words resonated with me so deeply, I stopped crying for a moment and decided I needed to write…to organize my thoughts, to tap into this message she was able to give me.

Growing up, my caretakers were diligent in teaching me a strong sense of pride. This was encouraged by helping me to know that I was better than “that” and could excel in anything I set my mind to. As a poor, African-American family with few social supports for courageous effort, I believed that sacrificing the things I wanted in lieu of that which would represent my family well, was what life is all about. The problem, however, is as I got older, I began to realize that there is more to life than public notoriety and that although my family was pleased, I was not happy at all.

To say that I am a prideful person, would probably be an understatement. I am not used to being cared for by others, and often feel obligated to take the lead in caring for everyone else, their needs and desires. In the interim, I feel lost, alone and afraid and often isolate myself with the belief that the “good” is for everyone else, not me. In that way I call myself a humble servant and justify the self sacrificing as a sacred and selfless. As I thought about Dainie’s suggestion, however,  I understood how crippling my pride has been. Although healthy pride can encourage us to great things, the problem with
self-pride is that it is a distancing attitude, that separates us from what we need the most… to be able and willing to lean into the depth and wisdom of others.
Perhaps in my case, the ‘need for pride’ has been more about a  deep, pathological ‘need for a sense of significance’ and if I am “sick” I have to ask how legitimate, then, is pride in my life?

In relationships the expectation has seemed to be that I would “take care of it,” whatever “it” might be, which ultimately lead to feelings of obligation and sometimes superiority, because in my mind, no one could afford for me to be “weak” or to “not know what to do.”  From that space, I developed an expectation that in exchange for the sacrifices I make for my relationships, that my family, friends, acquaintances, should be available for me, and agreeable to whatever it is I needed, or asked. After all, I was sacrificing my own needs for them, … or so I would tell myself.

Pride affects all of life's relationships. When we become jealous of someone, pride is the root. When we re embittered toward competitors, pride is lurking underneath. When we put someone down; when we covet our neighbor's possessions; when we say, "I can do it better;" when we give someone the silent treatment; when we gossip; when we get our feelings hurt; pride is the reason.

Humility is about a willingness to be self-abasing, to appreciate that in the way we care for others, we too need care. It’s a willingness to accept the love of others and to be supported in ways that allow us to continue to grow and  in the process being supportive of other’s growth. It is letting go of the …need, desire, compulsion… to do and/or be it all, and to allow others the pleasure of “doing” too, and thusly supporting their sense of self value and competence.


Seeking peace in the pieces… and reclaiming my sanity and sense of Self…

In love, peace and humility…
Acu
XOXO

p.s. I found tremendously helpful an article at http://www.livestrong.com/article/14711-handling-pride/ on the impact of self pride. Great definitions and an activity for some self exploration. Hope you find it useful too…

“Insane” Tamara Wellons

La dah dah dah doh, dah dah dah dah doh…

Tried to cry
…the stress away
Tried to cry it out
Dealing with my head…
Dare to close my eyes and dream
…can make the tears flow down my face
Some days I think I’m going insane.

CHORUS
Some days I feel I’m going insane
Got to get up above my thoughts
Faith got me going today…
..trying to live this way

I am what I am
I WANT TO BE
…wanting to BE (want to BE)

(Repeat Chorus)

Part of me
Still wants to smile
Even though my soul
Falls down to the ground

I keep telling myself that…
“I’m courageous, don’t be weak”
Some days I feel I’m going insane…

(Chorus)

Ok lets stop it now…

BREAK
Some days
I feel
I’m
going INSANE
Some days
I
FEEL LIKE
I’m
going INSANE
La dah dah dah doh, dah dah dah dah doh…

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Synthesis Note (35): "All The Beauty"

Song of the Moment: "All the Beauty" by Donn

Once upon a time there a there was a beautiful avatar named (your name here).  She  (or your correct gender) was perfect in the eyes of her maker and was created at the perfect time, in the perfect place with all the tools she would need to fulfill her (second) life purpose. She would bring experience to her maker (in first life) which could not be had without her existence and she would function "as" her creator (in avatar form) in this new world to fulfill this purpose and ultimately allow them both to grow.

As she explored this strange world, she was curious and inquisitive, enjoying the beauty and mystery of this place, which seemed made just for her. She then began to encounter other avatars of all colors, shapes and sizes. She was intrigued by all of the experiences she had and in time began to question her self image. She began to change her appearance, ways of living and being to fit in, to feel accepted and to try to meet their (perceived) expectations of her. She is socially successful with many friends, but begins to feel less whole as she juggles the new images she creates for them.

Eventually, she fell in love with another avatar who found her quite beautiful even though she no longer thought this of herself. This pleased and then later frightened her because she had never experienced feelings like this before and had forgotten how perfect she was in the eyes of her maker at the time of her creation. You see, he was perfect (as was she) and she could see this clearly. She felt unworthy of all that he had to offer her and so, she began to shape herself into what she believed would match his perfection. These changes confused her partner and in time she was no longer the avatar he fell in love with and they grew apart.

…so "as above so below" ...and the story goes in second life as in the first life... innocence lost... she’d forgotten her perfection moving from avatar to avatar, relationship to relationship searching for that which she felt would make her whole again….

Will our protagonist fulfill the purpose designed by her maker? Will they synthesize these experiences and grow as one?

......stay tuned....

NOTE To The Reader (grin): What governs each of us is our own self image…that is, how we SEE ourselves. Even in our most perfect form, we find that that which we seek eludes us if we cannot love and accept ourselves in the same way we seek that acceptance from others. We don’t consider that those things we see as flaws, may be just the perfection another is seeking. “I am” is the most power phrase ever spoken. Whatever follows it, …you become. If you want new experiences you have to see yourself differently. Change your inner image and perceptions…transform your LIFE.

Finding peace in pieces…
Acu

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"Yesterday I Cried" a poem

Lost in an abyss of
Self
Inflicted
Nonsense
Yesterday I cried

Reminders of who I
Could never be
or ever was
Consumed my mind
Paralyzed my body

Ever absent were the ideas
of love, hope, proserity
Drowned in screaming silence
filled with voices of
Not, nere, and nevermore

The Crying Girl Pierre by Yves Blasco

Yesterday I cried
Slowly submerging in the
Dark shadows
Surrendering to painful realization
...though lacking understanding
of the truth
Blindly seeking
Wrapped in the longing

Sweet rapture in piece
Emerged a knowing that
I Am
Peace forever more
In Love, I Am
reborn
Today I fly

© 2010 Acuminous Watanabe

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A Wonderful Life 2010 (Synthesis Note [34])

Welcome to 2010…it’s a wonderful life! Remember that movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)”?!? If for some reason you haven’t, it’s a great holiday movie about an angel who helps a compassionate but despairingly frustrated businessman by showing what life would have been like if he never existed. I was a kid when I first saw it, and although I didn’t understand all the themes at the time, I was attentive enough to have the seed planted that without certain people in my life, it would not be the same, and vice versa.

There were many times in 2009 when I questioned my self-value. It was a challenging year! RL demands and financial problems, relationships gone sour, periods of loneliness that felt worse during the holidays…and on and on. Many times I wanted it all to stop… and to be given a chance to start over. As the close of the year drew near, I began to explore what I might change in the approaching New Year.

Lots of things were placed on the chopping block for consideration…some personal relationships, a change in my professional career… and my Second Life. I, however, wondered if the things I want to release, might actually be serving me in some way that I do not yet understand. I still get confused about my Second Life. Why I am here, why I feel so compelled to stay and whether it actually serves any real purpose in my life. I cannot deny, however, the value of the relationships I have built, the joy I experience when I virtually connect with people here, and the applicability of some of the SL experiences, in my RL.

One of my greatest pleasures in SL is the ability to PLAY with abandon. I can present my avatar in whatever form I wish and still be accepted and appreciated. Not sure if I could show up to a ball dressed as a Na’vi from the movie “Avatar (2009)” and receive the same reaction. (chuckles) It gives my heart so much joy to play …probably the reason why I love kids so much. I can hear the childhood song “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”  in my head as I am writing this. The lyrics are so simple that it is probably the best advice I can follow as I resolve to create a better year in 2010 than I had in 2009.

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream.

A Wonderful Life… what made the life more valuable in that 1946 movie was a new LOOK on that life. George’s ability to appreciate his life from another PERSPECTIVE was what liberated him from his pain. His circumstances did not change, his outlook of them did, and that brought him tremendous joy and peace.

Instead of focusing on all of 2010, I’ll choose to focus on each day, …each new moment, and opportunity at a time. Everything, every day is a new creation. It is a new activity moving through us at that very moment. So, when things are not so merry, I’ll stop…ask myself what can I do differently IN THAT MOMENT to change the direction of my thoughts and thereby my actions. From that peaceful place, I affirm that I will gain BETTER understanding of what I need to release and what to allow in. If I am unable to think of anything else, I will express my gratitude for whatever things keep me whole in that moment… my friends, my family, my health, …for the love in my heart.

“Peace by Piece” is my resolution for the new year.. for this new day. Thank you for allowing me to share and for sharing your Second Lives with me.

Sharing my Peace/Piece, with love and gratitude
…gently and merrily down the stream,
Acu   XOXO

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Synthesis Note (33): "Starting Over"

Song of the Moment: “Winter Wind” by Jose James

As I reflect on the holiday season, I contemplate the year coming to a close and all the blessings in my life. I am grateful for my friends, family and experiences both in RL and SL. I am grateful for my health and for the opportunity to serve… to love…to help and be helped through the care and support of others. I am grateful for the spirit of giving that this time of year seems to inspire in us, and for my own desire to be open and receptive to receiving from others that which they give in love. There is no gift greater than love with “forgiveness” serving as a close second.

2009 has been a quite a ride for me. Some say that nine, being the last simple number, is the number of finalization. I look forward to 2010 as a new beginning… an opportunity to start over, again… to let go of those things in my life that no longer serve me to make room for those things that I truly desire. I enter the New Year with the mantra 'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'  I appreciate that to mature emotionally… to develop a new skill, I must bring that experience into my life. If I ask for more patience, I will expect to manifest more opportunities that will challenge my patience knowing that each time I push myself to remain peaceful in those situations, the more patient I will become. When I ask to be better able to forgive, I will then embrace those opportunities which present themselves where I would ask for forgiveness so that I am better able to understand why being willing to forgive is necessary.

In 2009, I fell deeply, as more than once my heart and my “peace” were broken followed by a time of reflection and renewal …each time picking up only the “piece” I wanted. In 2010, I will RE-member the parts of me that have been broken and “PEACE” them lovingly together to form a new Me, a perfect whole, to live and love without fear…Living up to my grandest vision, leaving behind the need to live up to the image created for me by others.

I remind myself of a favorite joke “ the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, the same way and expecting a different result.”

I am ready for a new beginning… are you?

May 2010 bring your heart joy like you have never known…

With peace and love,
Acu XOXO

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Relationships Are Like Glass (Synthesis Note [32])

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it is better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown

Today I want to remind you that you are whole, perfect and worthy just the way you are. You are loved and appreciated, but sometimes we seek acknowledgement for that from someone beyond a door that has closed despite that fact that there are open windows all around.

Melodie Beattie said “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

I am grateful for the blessings of my first life.

I am grateful for the blessings of my second life

I am grateful for my relationships in both lives and connecting with people who are as open and willing to provide me love, support and guidance, as I am to provide it for others.

I am grateful for the ability to forgive and for the understanding that if I am unwilling to forgive, how could I ask others to forgive those transgressions *I* have committed? It has to start somewhere...

I am grateful for those who have forgiven me, in honor of our love and connection.

If noone has told you today, I want you to know that *I* love you, *I*  appreciate you and feel so grateful that you share your second life with me ...and each other.

We are here for you … just beyond the window pane (and pain)…

SEE US? (waves & smiles)

Bless XOXO
Acu

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